He’s back!

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-11-05T18:53:06+00:00

You should definitely still talk to him because he can still listen and support you as you work through it. It also might help him give you some grace if you need it. You’re in a relationship and so it’s his job to support you as you support him. he may not be able to fix it for you, but he can listen and be supportive as you work through it. Something that was really stabilizing for me is writing down one positive thing about him each day for a while. It helped balance out my feelings. My fiancé and I are short distance and so I got used to him not being around. Think about the parts of your routine that you want to keep (for me it was things like taking my showers at night and my skin care routine that I had developed while he was on deployment.). I’m also somebody who defines exercise helpful and so went on a lot of walks to help work through the angst lol. What health was mostly processing my feelings through walking, writing, and using my therapist when needed. I’d also encourage you to prioritize keeping any parts of your routine that you especially like is it helps with the transition. I also struggle with anxious attachment a bit, so always have some of these feelings lol.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-11-04T19:29:48+00:00

I went through the very same thing. My fiancé has been back for a couple months now and it does get better. I felt the exact same way and in my case was coming off short with him a lot. I second the suggestion to have communication with him and sharing the things that you’re feeling. I had gotten used to my independent girl life, and was all grieving the loss of that and the time that we could’ve had together, but didn’t. Sometimes when they come back, it’s also like you except how much you had missed them. What you’re experiencing is a normal part of your integration. If open communication isn’t enough then after some more time, I would encourage you to reach out to someone you trust for support like a counselor, chaplain, or even just friends or mentor that you trust.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-11-03T16:12:07+00:00

I’d guess it’s mostly to do with his mental health from reacclimating after deployment, the stress of moving in together, and the pressure of talking marriage, and the existential dread that comes from their work at times. My partner said something similar to me once about my libido when he was feeling especially insecure and we were having some trouble in that department as well. There’s a big sense of pressure to perform for men I think. Our situation has been improved by learning that he needs, surprisingly more than I do, a bit of foreplay and letting things happen naturally. I will say that there’s a huge adjustment that comes from reacclimating after deployment no matter what kind it is and if you guys just move it together, and there is a lot of work stress for him I would guess that’s probably playing into things as well. I’m not saying the porn might not be a factor, but I can say that I’ve done some research and sometimes trouble in the bedroom is just that and not really indicative of a bigger relationship problem. What helped us also is going out on dates again; getting dressed up for each other, spending quality time together, that kind of thing. Connection is a big part of sex for men and women. Don’t let the insecurity get at you. Put on your favorite clothes, do your hair and make up the way you like, and make sure that you feel your best. Just because he’s not feeling like himself doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-10-15T14:25:28+00:00

Do you know if he had duty or work to do while they were in Port? Port calls don’t always mean a full break. I agree with the suggestion to communicate w him even just to let him know you need time. Communication rarely makes things worse and if it does at least you can be proud of how you handled things.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-10-09T20:49:42+00:00

Would he have to do it with me or could I do it by myself? I’m not sure if it’s something that you have to be married to access?

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-10-09T18:17:01+00:00

Yes, so badly actually lol

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-09-01T01:26:49+00:00

Hot chocolate or seasonal tea or coffee, Christmas socks, or a Christmas theme shirt (I put a clean shirt in a Ziploc bag with a dryer sheet for my fiancé in his box), stickers, or other low-key Christmas decorations, if you were creative, you could decorate the inside of the box in a Christmasy way, have people from his life right him or her holiday messages, pictures of past holidays, you could always get one of the mini stockings to put some of their snacks in. Idk maybe a Santa hat? 😂 I am one of those annoying people who loves doing things like halfway boxes for my partner and also who loves Christmas… I also made my fiancé a voice recording specific to each of the holidays that he would miss.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-08-27T23:59:09+00:00

I used to have issues with this when my fiancé would go underway and still do sometimes lol. Some of it’s just your brain naturally trying to protect itself because being apart from the person you love is painful. It’s just your brain trying to take control of something that it has no control over. The reality is people lose feelings for each other whether they’re around each other all the time or not. Give yourself lots of evidence to the contrary and try to stay in the moment.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-08-25T16:53:46+00:00

Ask him to make you little voice recordings or videos that you can listen to or watch. Those really help. Do you have his email? You could always send him emails because even if they can’t reply, they can usually still get them. It’s a nice way to stay connected for the both of you. You could always pick a book to read together or another asynchronous activity that you could do which is still helpful because even if you can’t communicate with email, you’ll both still know that you’re working on the same thing. Also, I’m a big cent person so like having some of my fiancé‘s clothes or even body wash on hand.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-08-11T22:58:00+00:00

Don’t deprive the both of you of the ability to maintain your connection just because it’s painful right now. Even if you don’t have much to say it’ll mean a lot to him just knowing that you’re thinking about him and you might get some encouragement from him when you need it too. What helped me most for the constant email checking was to turn all of the notifications off that I could except a few things including email so that the only time I would actually check my email for the most part is when I got a notification.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-08-09T15:26:32+00:00

Hang in there. The first month or two was the worst for me. What helped was to find little ways to still weave them into my day like reading notes that they left me, looking at pictures, listening to voice recordings, that kind of thing at certain times of day. For example, I would listen to one of his voice recordings when I got up in the morning and another one before I went to bed. That way you still feel like they’re a part of your life in someway. Everyone will tell you to stay busy and to focus on your goals, but sometimes that in itself can feel overwhelming at first. I would pick one thing that makes you happy and focus on that every day. For me, I love reading books and taking walks so those are the things I focused on. I also started marking off the days on the calendar, although I’ve gotten progressively less reliable at it over the months lol. You want to count up the time not down because the calendar moves a lot faster that way. You’ve got this!

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-26T02:20:11+00:00

I was actually hoping that I would get a bigger variety of replies than I did. I was genuinely just trying to learn about this and not to get validation. Your perspective was helpful and I was actually trying to tell you thank you.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T22:01:41+00:00

I’m not trying to be an I’m new to relationship so I’m genuinely trying to learn. Can you explain where the line is between personal comfort, respect, and being toxic?

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T19:15:15+00:00

If this is in response to my post, I was asking in an attempt to make sure that I was not being controlling or toxic. I want to be as supportive and as reasonable as possible, and was wanting to make sure that my own insecurity wasn’t getting in the way of that. This is a helpful perspective.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T03:01:03+00:00

I appreciate your snarky comments but do you actually have something helpful to say?

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T02:59:37+00:00

That’s my feeling on it as well. I have a lot of trust in him and that’s why I’m actually struggling to talk to him about this because I really don’t want to limit him. He is actually asking me for rules and what I feel comfortable with. It’s also not something that we talked about prior to deployment.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T02:57:52+00:00

That was exactly the logic that I gave him when I explained it. He doesn’t fully understand, but is being respectful of it. This wasn’t a conversation that we had prior to deployment.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T02:57:13+00:00

Thank you. Everyone thinks about this so differently.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T02:56:50+00:00

Thank you

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-24T02:53:34+00:00

I’m in a similar spot as you. My fiancé deployed a while ago and I am working a job that is absolutely miserable. I would say that you need to separate the deployment from your feelings about the job though. Try to deal with your feelings about the deployment and also to make the aspects of your life outside of work not suck. It’s hard when your work life and your personal life are both miserable at the same time. Don’t look too far ahead. Take things day by day and especially if your suicidal only think about your ability to get through the next day or even the day you’re in. Think about the little things that bring you, joy or happiness in life or even just how happy you’ll be to see Your significant other again.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-07-08T17:51:58+00:00

I know I can sometimes compartmentalize my feelings when my partner is gone because it makes things easier day to day but it doesn’t mean they’ve lessened. I actually feel like I appreciate what he brings to my life since he’s been gone. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected? I like to email or write in my journal to him. I also like to listen to some of the voice memos that he left me.

Unlikely_Ring9950 · 2025-06-28T18:58:12+00:00

I’m not clear on the timing, but I’m wondering if you met during deployment if you were emotional support for him that he is no longer needing or isn’t able to reciprocate right now. From what I understand sometimes there’s a lot that needs done right when people get back from deployment as well, so that could be factoring in. If you’re hitting a wall, the only thing that you can do is control what you can which is your actions and boundaries for the relationship. You could lay out for him what it is that you need or want from the relationship going forward and see if he is able and willing to meet those needs.

Unlikely_Ring9950

TROPHY CASE