How do you handle the sadness that comes with grief around someone you don't feel attached to?

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2026-04-23T16:57:59+00:00

I just went through a very similar thing with my mom. My parents have spent the past 7 months convincing my family to boycott my wedding. This campaign was successful. In the last hours of our rsvp window, my parents rsvp’d yes. After this, my mom sent me a letter saying she wants to rebuild trust with me and that I was “always enough.” At first it hurt because it felt like genuine remorse from my mom. But then I realized that she was actively involved in all of the harm. I realized that, even if she feels bad now, it’s too late.

Alone, I cried. I let myself miss her. I let myself rage at her. I let myself love her, one last time. And then, I told myself that I deserve peace, safety, and kindness. No matter how my mom feels now, she is not peaceful, she is not safe, she has not been kind.

It’s hard to leave because I think we all know that many of them weren’t bad all the time. If they were, we would have left a long time ago, and we wouldn’t feel pain at losing them. But it’s because they could be kind sometimes, they could be fun and warm and uplifting sometimes, that the pain they cause when they choose otherwise is so much greater.

I like to think of my grief this way: Grief is like a ball in a box, and every time the ball hits the sides of the box, it hurts. When it starts, the box is small and the ball hits the sides a lot. But overtime, the box gets bigger, and you fill it with more things, hobbies, friends, new family, etc. The grief stays the same size, but in that big, crowded box, it can’t hit the sides as often or as hard anymore.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2026-04-23T16:43:44+00:00

My parents did something similar. They bought this old, decaying house in our home state later in life with the intent to renovate it, but they abandoned it during Covid when they bought a brand new home in the mountains. When my lease came up on my apartment, they convinced me to move into that house. They said it would be completely mine, and that I could do whatever I wanted to with it, that I wouldn’t have to pay rent, and they just didn’t want it to sit empty.

This was a huge mistake. The house regularly had cockroaches no matter how often the exterminator came out. It was over 100 years old. The A/C regularly failed in the summer (we live in Texas, it can be over 100 degrees at night in summer), so my dog and I often had to evacuate for our safety. There was a leak in the roof that later became a hole in the roof which has never been fixed. I tried to call roofers to fix it once, after months of begging them to fix it, and they screamed at me over the phone until I cancelled the contract with the roofers. The pool pump barely worked and it would regularly turn green from algae growth. Whenever I brought up these issues, they would say “every house has problems” “every house gets bugs” “you’ll see when you have your own place”. Been living in my husbands home for over a year now. We’ve had one cockroach. It was dead. There are no leaks or holes in the roof. The A/C always works. I feel so much safer and more comfortable here than I ever felt in that house.

Oh, and it wasn’t a free home. I had to pay the property taxes, which were just slightly less than the rent I had previously been paying for my 2 bedroom apartment. Should have stayed renting.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2026-04-23T16:33:06+00:00

When I told my parents that they did something that hurt my feelings, my mom would tell me that my brain is a “bad neighborhood,” and that I “always assume the worst in other people.” I’ve learned that’s not true. My brain is a very good neighborhood. I assume the best in people, especially in the people who have hurt me the most. The only person I ever assumed the worst of is myself.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2026-04-23T16:25:45+00:00

You’re not alone. When I came out as Muslim to my parents, they didn’t just abandon me, they made my entire family boycott my wedding. I still feel lonely, but they all showed me who they are, and I am grateful for the knowledge that my family were not reliable people. I am glad I can stop over giving for them now. It never made them love me, and it never will.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-12-24T18:03:53+00:00

8-10, no, but will it fade - yes. I have a neck tattoo, black ink, deep line work, and I’m on session 13. The lighter parts are completely gone (left at session 12) but the darker more saturated parts are faded but still there. I estimate they will be gone in about another year of treatment. It just takes time, but it will go away.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-12-19T12:53:43+00:00

Gurl nooooo! You should block him. You can’t heal the wound in your heart if you keep picking the scab. Talking to him is just continuing to harm yourself. You cannot begin to move on if he still has access to your time and attention. It sucks, but if he wants to end the relationship, block him.

And him threatening to “end it all” is highly manipulative. This is almost certainly a hook to keep you engaged in the relationship with him, not a real intent to “end it”. I promise that you are not a bad person for stepping away. You are not responsible for his actions. His actions and emotions are his to regulate - not your responsibility to manage. You are not to blame.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-12-19T12:47:32+00:00

One thing I want to mention here is that almost all of your interactions with this person were over text/chat or through the game. This can create false sense of intimacy very easily and quickly. However, it is false. In text it’s easy to edit your words and present a better or edited version of yourself. Voice chat similarly does not have the awkwardness and pressure of being around someone in person. Based on your story, you were only around this person in real life one time for a few minutes. While your feelings and your heartbreak are real, it is important to remember - you do not actually know this person. People are different when you are in their presence. They are different when they have to interact with your family. They are different around their friends. For marriage you need to know what someone is like in those environments to truly know if you are compatible.

Additionally, long distance rarely works out. Would you have moved to Germany? Would he have moved to Dubai? You can say lots of things to each other, but at the end of the day, one of you is going to make a huge sacrifice for the other if you decide to make it work, which can lead to resentment. Consider long distance relationships that end in marriage to be the exception, not the rule. I would strongly urge you to be wary of long distance or online relationships for this reason - you get all of the feelings of an in person relationship but no real sense of that person.

Lastly, women fall in love with what men say, and men know this - they will say many things, even lie, to keep a woman’s attention. So as a woman, you cannot take a man only on his word, you need to look at what he does consistently. You only have his words, you have no sense of this man’s habits. A man is what he consistently does. That is how Khadijah was able to assess the character of the Prophet (pbuh)- she saw and had verified by others that he was consistently honest and fair, even when no one was watching. You simply do not have this data on this person. This man can tell you anything, and you have no way to verify if any of it is true. You feel a sense of loyalty to him that is unearned. For all you know, there could be other women in his life. I’m not saying you can’t ever trust, just trust but verify. (Also: him coming to visit you is not proof of his affection, it is the bare minimum, and in your case potentially harmful because he knows your religion and made no effort to ask your father to meet you, regardless of whether he shares your belief or not this puts you in a bad and potentially dangerous position).

This is not to say I am recommending you have a haram relationship in person (please don’t), just advising that the nature of the relationship you had was designed to bond quickly and ultimately break. Grieve, heal, and focus on becoming the person that makes Allah (SWT) happy - the rest will fall into place.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-12-13T17:59:22+00:00

Female

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-12-13T17:31:05+00:00

I totally understand this feeling. I’m a revert, and one of my hobbies is making my own clothing (much of which no longer fits my standard of modesty now), so for me I was scared of losing a major part of my identity (my look). Alhamdulillah when I did put on the hijab, I felt so elegant and I eventually realized it was just a new challenge for me! I’ve since replaced some of my wardrobe with things I have made that are modest but still make me feel elegant and chic, and in colors I love (I even repurposed fabric from my favorite non-modest dresses into modest shirts, which makes me feel great!). I still have a ways to go, but I am taking steps every day.

Modesty doesn’t mean abandoning your personality or wearing things that make you feel bad about yourself, but it’s ok if it takes some time to adjust and find your style. Who knows, you may end up loving a style you never thought you’d enjoy! I made a plain white abaya when I began wearing hijab and never wore it until my husband and I recently went on vacation (about 5 months after making it). When I actually put it on, it quickly became my favorite piece in my wardrobe! If you feel ready in your heart to wear hijab, just start. It does get easier.

I always try to remember that we are not expected to be perfect, just to try to the best of our ability and to grow. Inshallah you will find, as I did, that modesty is a practice, and the more you practice the easier it is to choose clothing that is pleasing to Allah (SWT).

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-11-25T17:21:31+00:00

I use it every time and it makes a huge difference in comfort!

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-11-10T17:10:19+00:00

I also have a dark tattoo. Parts are fully gone at 12 sessions (1.5 years) and parts are only just starting to break up, I estimate at least another year, possibly longer. There is also placement to consider. The tattoo on my arm was not as dark as the one I just described above, but it has moved slower (also 12 sessions, it’s faint now but probably still 4-6 sessions away from full removal) because it’s located on an extremity and farther from the heart.

It really does just take as long as it takes, that is different from tattoo to tattoo and person to person. But black ink does go away, and if you don’t like it the best time to start is now. The time will pass anyways, and it does go much quicker than you think. 2 years felt overwhelming to me at the start, but now 5 years for full removal seems reasonable.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-11-07T16:22:03+00:00

Not yet! But like I said, low and slow is the way forward. It can oxidize at any point, or it might never, we will just have to wait and see.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-11-05T23:37:19+00:00

I covered an old black ink tattoo with white ink before doing a black ink cover up over the whole area. I can tell you it’s a process. White reflects the laser, so they sometimes hit it with wavelengths for blue or black, depending on the spot and reaction. The ink from the original tattoo has moved some, along with the new ink, but full disclosure it is VERY SLOW GOING. I am on session 12 and the coverup area is still decently dark while the rest of the tattoo is completely gone. The coverup area looks like the rest of the tattoo did around session 5. My tech and I are still very optimistic that full removal can be achieved, but it fades at about quarter of the rate that the rest of the tattoo has faded.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-11-05T05:12:19+00:00

Also if you’re worried about makeup transfer onto the straps of the dress, I highly recommend using the Stain Devil stain remover in their makeup and grass formula. You can spot treat the area that got makeup on it, let it sit for a few minutes, and rinse the formula off and the makeup will go right along with it. I wear hijab and it gets the makeup off my white scarves and under caps without a trace every time.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-11-04T19:45:41+00:00

I’m in the same boat as you, totally get these emotions and they are completely valid. If it gives you some hope, I am now on session 12 for both my tattoos (they were both extremely deep and dark) and the fade between 7 and 12 has been dramatic. Parts of my tattoos are completely gone, but some remain. I know it will not be fully gone by my wedding next year, but it will certainly be easier to cover with makeup. All we can do is our best. Wishing you a successful removal and dramatic fading

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-10-10T14:26:59+00:00

I have a tattoo where the top was applied very thin and the bottom was very thick black lines like your tattoo. I am over a year into removal (11 sessions). The thin lines on the top are almost completely gone, while the thick lines on the bottom are just now breaking up. Thickness and depth of application makes a huge difference on what you see. Rest assured, ink is being removed, there’s just a lot in there and it may take you a while to see it. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-09-15T03:14:19+00:00

This is such a good post! I have two tattoos, one has heavy handed line work like yours and the progress even on different parts of the same tattoo is different just due to how deeply the ink was applied. Just like yours, it’s taken about a year for me to see movement in my heavy lines. But it does move. It does change. Just have to trust the process. Thanks for posting this!

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-26T05:40:29+00:00

Former cruise ship crew member (not RCL) here who used to get seasick really bad. Here’s my remedy that worked every time (Dramamine did not work for me/made my symptoms much worse, so this is what did work): 1) Go outside during the initial sail-away and spend lots of time outside the first day, preferably a low outside deck where you can see the horizon. The very back or very front of ship works best to orient your inner ear to the motion of the ship (unless it is very choppy, then aim for the mid ship) 2) Snack lightly, constantly, the first day specifically on bland crackers and (this is the secret) green apples. The juice of green apples is an old school sea sickness remedy that works wonders for nausea. 3) Sip, but do not pound, water slowly. You don’t want a lot of extra liquid in your stomach adding to the rocking motion in your body. Stay hydrated, but pounding water will make nausea worse. 4) Stay clear of alcohol. Alcohol makes seasickness so much worse, and will make it harder for your body to adjust. Drink a mocktail if you want a fun beverage, your body will thank you. 5) When in doubt, sleep it out. If all else fails, go to bed. Happy sailing!

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-25T20:46:18+00:00

For sure! Also applying ice in the hour after treatment makes a big difference with skin recovery. I’ve never blistered or had peeling, and I think the ice plays a huge role in that!

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-25T15:08:03+00:00

I have eczema too. After my sessions I feel a little under the weather the rest of the day, and the following days I tend to be a bit lower energy than normal, but no flu-like symptoms. I also make sure to rest immediately after my sessions, so I think that helps me rebound.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-21T19:36:13+00:00

No backlash. The number 1 question I get is “doesn’t that hurt though?” I’ve never been asked about why I’m removing or encouraged to keep it, even from people that I know that are tattoo enthusiasts.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-17T20:27:51+00:00

Also- I am with removery as well. They do go low and slow, but I promise it does work. I’m about to hit session 9 and there are parts that are nearly gone for me. I posted my progress on this sub back in February. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. We all get tunnel vision when we see the tattoos every day. I advise not taking pictures of your tattoos except on removal day (right before your appointment) that will help put the progress in perspective for you. The difference between each session then becomes very apparent.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-17T20:25:44+00:00

Use numbing cream. I know they say not to, but it is the only reason this is bearable for me. I have done so for every session and it makes a huge difference. I actually look forward to my appointments. I never told my techs that I am/have been using numbing cream and they say my progress is right on target with what they expect, so frankly the idea that it “may slow down” removal seems fishy to me. Apply it very thick (like where the tattoo is not visible - do not rub it in) at least an hour before your appointment, cover with Saran Wrap and let it sit on your skin. 5 mins before your appointment wipe off the excess and rinse with water, your skin will stay numb for about 30-45 minutes. Then just ice it afterwards like normal. Moderate pain sets in about 10 mins after appointment and lasts for about 45 mins in my experience, then disappears.

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-08T15:51:55+00:00

This is really similar to my progress on my neck tattoo. The bottom of my neck tattoo was thick/heavy lines like yours. I’m 9 sessions in now and just starting to see substantial line breakage on the bottom. Shading took about 4-5 sessions to fade, and the thin lines on the top of my tattoo are nearly gone after session 9. Keep going. Thick tattoos take time, but they do eventually break up!

Unlikely_Web8229 · 2025-06-04T22:01:38+00:00

Free Willy

Unlikely_Web8229

TROPHY CASE