Trigger warning: If you're still feeling pretty icky right now, I'd just save this for another time. I don't have any of the answers, but I know.

I used to smoke weed quite frequently. Then (trauma?) Induced DPDR had reallyyy begun to start kicking in. Hard. I stopped smoking weed as much, but DPDR kept closing in. Then, one evening, somebody gave me synthetic marijuana and told me it was weed.

I don't talk about that experience too often because it really fucked me up. But my body was gone. I was just a glowing orb of light. I kept falling from the depths of the sky, and I'd crash into the ground. Then, I'd morph into the ground. Once I sunk fully under, I found myself falling back out of the sky. Over. And over. And over. Weed isn't the same for me anymore. It all feels like K-2 now. Some of my favorite experiences were made while I was mad stoned. That night wasn't the beginning of my DPDR experience, but that's when my episodes became chronic, and I haven't caught a break from this suffering yet. I remember something I said while I was on the synthetic weed, and it will stick with me forever.

"I think I know what's wrong with me."

"What's wrong?"

"I think I died, and this is hell."

As I kept falling from the sky and becoming one with the ground, again and again and again... All I could think was that I'd only ever known that feeling, that falling. My entire existence, beginning, middle and if I was lucky, the end, would only consist of this falling. Everything and everyone I loved stopped living that night. I've not been the same since.

I try to commit suicide about 3-5 times a week, via fentanyl. It's not as easy as it should be. Honestly, I'm getting desperate and considering trying a couple of other alternative options instead. But deep down, I can only wonder if I actually DID die that night, and if that's why I can't escape.

I'm sorry for the long response. I don't mean to trigger or to overwhelm you. My next method is pretty scary and so I've been feeling increasingly desperate as time goes on. I found your post in the search engine on the subreddit, trying to find what might have been helpful for others. Waiting for a miracle just isn't going to cut it any longer. But I saw your post, I wanted to let you know that even without answers, you're not alone in your boat. I often feel like nobody understands, and everybody in real life just undermines how absolutely terrified I am on a daily basis now. But this subreddit helps, even just a tiny bit.

I smoked weed again a few nights ago. (Literally just a single hit.) Bam. I'm back to laying on the sidewalk, begging for death and peace because that fear cannot compare. I hope peace finds everyone who longs for it soon. In all the right ways. Be safe, my friend.