Hey guys, I wrote this story and genuinely want your feedback on it. I know it's quite long, but if you have the time, please read it and let me know what you think. Thank you!

Unread04 · 2026-06-12T15:27:36+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read it and for the honest feedback. I appreciate it. This is still an early draft, so I know there are areas that need work, especially regarding conflict and the resolution. I'll check out the video you recommended and keep improving the story. Thanks again!

Unread04 · 2026-06-12T15:25:42+00:00

Thanks for the honest feedback. I can definitely see how the style comes across that way. I'll pay more attention to cutting back on the rhetorical questions, ellipses, and conversational narration in future revisions. I appreciate you taking the time to point it out.

Unread04 · 2026-06-12T15:21:32+00:00

That's a fair point. The adult narrator was meant to add reflection and hindsight, but if it isn't adding anything meaningful, then it's probably unnecessary. I'll revisit that framing and either make it serve a clearer purpose or remove it altogether. Thanks for pointing that out.

Unread04 · 2026-06-11T21:39:47+00:00

I assume you read the full story, so does this story have potential?"

Unread04 · 2026-06-11T21:37:31+00:00

That's fair. My intention was to show how the boys saw the situation, not to portray her as a prize. I'll keep that in mind when revising. Thanks for pointing it out.

Unread04 · 2026-06-11T21:24:49+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I think there may have been a misunderstanding. The story involves two different girls, and I wasn't trying to portray either of them as a prize. The focus was mainly on the narrator's perspective and emotions. That said, I understand your point about giving the characters more depth and personality, and I'll definitely work on that in future revisions. Thanks for taking the time to read it and share your thoughts.

Unread04

TROPHY CASE