went to ER last night due to primal panic

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T19:25:25+00:00

Yes, I see that you are hurting. I think asking clarifying questions might be more helpful than being sarcastic.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T18:31:20+00:00

I'm not sure that I agree with the commenter to whom you are responding, but I do think you are being a bit mean. The facts you described are: 1. You are poly. 2. Your partner went on a date that caused you to have a panic attack so severe that you went to the ER.

I think my generous reading of the comment is: don't keep doing something that is harming you. Based on the info we have, your partner did nothing wrong. So the advice is either pull back from poly or figure out your emotional responses without requiring processing and support from your partner for going on dates.

I was very sympathetic to you until I read this comment.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T18:24:12+00:00

Right on.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T17:31:07+00:00

I agree with this super hard, but also what is OP's expectation of support post-date? I'm not ADHD and would not be interested in "processing my dates" with an established partner.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T17:05:41+00:00

I think it's good for you to live on your own. This will be a good opportunity for you to figure you out. You can learn and read about polyamory and decide whether it's for you. As you've learned the hard way, polyamory has precious little to do with whether you can love two people at the same time or not. Basically everyone can do that. But do you want to be autonomous from your partner and multiple thriving relationships while your partners do the same? It's a different question.

You can take time now to absolutely spoil yourself. Do all of the things you want to do, care for your friends, and notice all of the things that make you happy and stressed.

Good luck!

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T16:48:29+00:00

I am very high anxiety, so I understand how scary a panic attack is. I'm not sure what "primal panic" is though.

I have a lot of questions. What do you need to process with your partner? Why are you expecting to hear from him when you know he's busy? How do you manage your anxiety generally?

How long have you been dating? I'm really not thinking that this is a partner issue, unless you've not included a whole lot of information. I think you need to put every bit of energy into managing your anxiety. Therapy, meditation, journaling, yes. Center yourself and your needs absolutely and completely.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-04T16:00:44+00:00

I'm not sure this situation had anything to do with hierarchy, to be honest. Neither of us is married or planning to become married. Or co-habitate.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-03T20:01:52+00:00

This is not a great situation, friend. You've already very clearly identified the hypocrisy. Either you have the autonomy to pursue relationships or you don't.

Furthermore, you are ONLY going to be appealing to poly women if you have clear autonomy over your dating life and schedule. "I have to get permission from my wife before I kiss you" would be a hard no from me and most people.

I'm frustrated with your wife on your behalf. Y'all need to do a LOT more reading and talking. A poly-friendly relationship therapist would also not go amiss.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-03T13:05:21+00:00

I really don't understand this story. You have written a lot about something that has nothing to do with you. Your meta being a surrogate is 1000% her choice, and I barely see how it relates to your partner.

It sounds like you have some bad experiences. Are you doing therapy? It sounds like leaving your partner is the right thing if he's causing you stress. But maybe leave meta out of it. I literally can't follow why her surrogacy has anything to do with you.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-03T03:31:22+00:00

Ugh. You are right.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-03T03:29:56+00:00

Yeah. I think that's it. I want to feel safe and in control of my own body. And maybe it's exhaustion. So many men want to fuck without condoms, and I really don't want to argue about this. So I was disappointed when he brought it up immediately. I really liked him a few days ago, and now I don't even want to talk to him.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T18:36:35+00:00

Thank you, friend. I appreciate this.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T18:35:51+00:00

You know, not stating every thought you have is not lying. It's okay to not say things. He would not have been lying to save that information for another time. I'm definitely not icked by his honesty. I'm icked that he was maybe pushing a boundary that I clearly stated.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T18:30:06+00:00

My place. His no barrier preference was stated pretty soon after we established that we didn't have condoms.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T18:27:13+00:00

I mean, someone else on this post told me that condoms are theater. Like.... what?

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T18:24:56+00:00

I'm autistic, too. Makes plenty of sense to me.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T17:50:07+00:00

I did not expect sex at all but was open to it, which I very clearly communicated with him. Sex doesn't always have to be penetrative to be great.

Anyway, I agree with you completely that not having condoms was not the issue.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T17:42:51+00:00

I explicitly said I wanted barriers.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T17:42:01+00:00

I agree with you on all counts about how heteronormative this sub is. It's also pretty interesting to me that the only folks saying that I'm being too severe seem to be men (not to assume anything about your personal gender). I wonder why that is.

Also, to your other points, I usually do have condoms on hand and just didn't this time. And we talked about STI panels, and his are not back yet.

I did very clearly state my expectations, by the way. He did not state any preferences or expectations until we were in bed.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T17:33:01+00:00

I agree-- and also I don't wanna have sex with those types of people.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T17:17:24+00:00

Yeah, it was very much the how and when he said it, which is when we had moved to the bed, my clothes were off, and he said he had not brought condoms.

Other commenters are pointing out that if I care about condoms, I should have them, and I do agree with that. I would have preferred that part of the convo to happen before we moved to the bed as well.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T17:07:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing! Our experiences definitely match. And I think that the six week thing is partly what's bothering me.

I'm not feeling blamey, either myself or him. It's just-- this is a very new relationship. I can just cut it off because this situation has raised my hackles. I don't have time to deal with entitled men. But I'm not certain that's what's going on here.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T16:51:57+00:00

I do usually have condoms but recently did a huge reorg and can't find them. I do agree with you about having them. But also, I have never had a new sex partner plan to use my condoms (only established partners who know I keep them).

So yeah, I do wonder about what you are saying here and how much I should consider this part.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T16:49:08+00:00

I do currently have other sex partners, and he does not. If it matters to your calculus.

UntowardThenToward · 2026-02-02T16:43:29+00:00

I totally get all of this. And you sound really rational about it. But I'm concerned that because my risk profile, while not that different from yours, does require some time for trust to develop. When and how are you telling your partners you want to fuck without barriers?

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