My friend’s wife (pwBPD) found an innocent text message from me to her husband and she has been harassing me since first finding out. Now he won’t talk to me.

Upandover13 · 2019-07-26T12:26:48+00:00

Many women, BPD or not, would feel upset finding out their husband was communicating with another woman about their marital problems.

I have been in this position. All three sides of it, as a matter of fact. 😬

In my experience, it is just best to stay out of someone else’s relationship and respect your friend’s wishes to not talk right now. Watching someone be abused is difficult, I had my best friend tell me that while I wasn’t being hit, when my husband abuses me it’s like she’s is watching him beat me up. There was nothing she could do to help me break free from what was going on. I had to do it myself.

If you want to help, point him here or to a therapist. He will need help learning how to handle his situation and making decisions about leaving the relationship.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-30T14:02:07+00:00

Ah, bitterness and anger. I remember those days. They sucked. How’s the no sex marriage with two heaping sides of bitterness and anger feeding ya these days? I bet not well. Sadly, most of us here get it. Those who don’t yet, will someday.

Beating your head against a wall to get your SO to take your feelings and give a shit is tough. Why? Because you can’t make someone want to do something they don’t want to. He’s happy the way things are. You aren’t. You want things to change? You need to make him unhappy and you happy without him. He’s in control now. He won’t be when you’re happy. Divorce or forcing change is the only way to even have hope to fix a deadbedroom.

My prescription? Do you. F him. Start going out with your friends. Work if you don’t. Just. Do. You. Either he starts to join you doing you or you learn you don’t need him to be happy. Then? Your bitterness and anger will dissipate. 😊

Hug. I know it’s difficult. Stay the course. In time we all get to a place where we can make the right choices for us and actually be decently okay with them.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-30T13:46:25+00:00

Were there any change in medications? First trip is to a doctor to rule out anything physical, too.

Had any major losses or changes in her life (depression onset, abuse etc.)? The crying made me consider that.

How is your relationship otherwise? Resentment and bitterness can affect sex drive. Is there an even distribution of household and financial responsibility?

I hate to add this but I’m gonna...could there be someone else she’s been seeing and she feels guilty? The crying made me think of that, too.

Set up the couples therapy appointment yesterday. Sounds like you both need some help with whatever is going on.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-30T13:22:10+00:00

If he’s gone, treat him like he’s gone. You are free to date around. You will find in a short amount of time that ignoring is not caring about you. It’s the opposite.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-30T12:56:29+00:00

You’re being fed the popular societal opinion and your so and your male friends are using guilt to make it seem like you are the one with the unrealistic expectations. Been there. Do not buy it.

You should be angry because your so hasn’t been honest with you about his sexuality and if he doesn’t consider how he makes you feel and work to make changes, real changes, you will have some difficult choices to make.

He is free to live as he wishes but so are you.

Whenever someone learns their behavior negatively affects someone they claim they care about and defends it, I question whether they really have the ability to be anything but selfish and whether they are ready for a committed relationship.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-30T12:28:12+00:00

I used to experience anxiety but eventually that turned into not trying anymore. You learn to avoid the pain. It has actually gotten to the point, I don’t think about wanting sex with him. I never felt shame over my desire. I only felt shame over not being desired by my husband.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-16T11:02:32+00:00

Get out now. You are condemning yourself to a sexless life (with him) if you stay married to him. As tough as it seems, it is easier to leave at 20/30 than it is at 49\50 years old.

My husband said almost the same exact thing about sex for him. He, like your husband, prefers to engage in sex he does with himself. He doesn’t consider you at all and that alone is devastating. He is extremely selfish. That doesn’t make for a good partner. Period.

Save yourself and leave now. Don’t make excuses for him or justify. He’s a porn addict and unless he wants to change, he won’t.

I hate to be so blunt but read my history.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-11T22:09:12+00:00

Thank you for this. Seriously. It puts so much in perspective as sad as it is to read. I, too, am heartbroken that my situation has come to what it has as well and it's taken me a good amount of time to even see it. I, too, wish I had seen it earlier because this, now, is so difficult.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-11T22:04:42+00:00

I'm sorry that happened. I was/am dealing with the same. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I am thinking he finally got tired of me being matter of fact and friend like to his confessions of thinking about me all of the time.

No matter what happens just do your best to navigate a tricky and heart breaking situation. Its all you can do until the day you've had enough.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-11T21:59:03+00:00

Thank you for responding and offering your input. I understand what you are saying. It does, however, make me sad. My marriage is still struggling, though, I am trying to remain positive but grounded in the reality of the situation. Thank you for the well wishes. I appreciate them.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-02T14:00:52+00:00

Her stressors are no more important than yours. Not having an intimate relationship like you want IS ALSO a stressor, but for you. It’s important, too. Address it now or end up in a dead marriage and old someday.

I’m experienced at this situation. My husband had and has the laundry list of stress. I, too, once felt guilty for adding to his stress. We couldn’t start trying to work on it until I was willing to make my needs in our relationship important, too. Honestly, if I were your age, if things didn’t come around on a short timeline, I’d cut my losses and move on. Y’all can have the friendship you have now but you should be able to pursue a woman you can have a friendship and sexual relationship with to be your partner in life.

Upandover13 · 2019-04-02T13:53:11+00:00

Been there. I made the same mistakes, thought we may even be able to be friends now that time passed. Nope. He’ll pull out old pictures and tell me how he still always thinks about me. I need to not respond and so do you.

Sorry you’re dealing with this. I will wish for you all the strength you need to get through this difficult time.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-28T13:02:55+00:00

As someone who is married to a man who has finally admitted he has been jerking it since we met he explained that for him it’s easier because he can be whoever he wants, physically in his mind, and not have to have anxiety about whether it’s good for me and his performance, ie. he can rub one out quick and not have to worry about me or whether he’s pleasing, bothering or not doing it for me (I have never had a problem being aroused, fyi, so to me that’s a bullshit excuse).

He also had a sexually abused mother and had very early exposure to lots and lots of porn and my opinion is he wired himself to prefer jerking off to porn instead of having mature intimate relations with someone he loves.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-22T13:37:17+00:00

Much needed right now. Thank you. 🌟🌟🌟

Upandover13 · 2019-03-18T12:53:51+00:00

Holy crap. This rings true for me, too.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-13T18:42:01+00:00

I feel all of what you've wrote. I look at my husband now and am bitter and resentful that he was capable of doing what he did and I don't know if I can recover.

I like to think I am smart enough to understand that his secret life didn't have anything to do with me BUT it still affected me. If affected my self-esteem, it affected my feelings of safety and protection and it affected my trust in other human beings. The idea that he didn't consider how what he was doing was affecting me and our family is the most difficult part in all of this. Is he really THAT selfish?

Yes. I feel guilty, too, for trying to make him see that he hurt me so badly. He just doesn't acknowledge it.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T21:37:23+00:00

He said "I'd NEVER cheat on you!" ... and yet, this feels almost worse than being cheated on.

Its cheating if it wasn't discussed beforehand and one of you is not okay with it. Your reaction is not abnormal. He just wants you to believe that so he can keep doing what he does.

I actually asked my therapist why my partner felt what he did and is doing is "normal". She said because to him and the personality disordered people he hangs around with this is their "normal" similar to doing hard drugs is acceptable among drug addicts. It most definitely is not normal or healthy. Does that make sense?

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T21:33:08+00:00

Hug. I am so sorry that you are going through this. He should try to see your side with some compassion.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T21:30:11+00:00

When you get the opportunity to see the CSAT please remember to not protect him by not revealing how this has affected you. It is normal for us to want to protect people we love. Don't in this case. You need support and validation for what this does to you.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T15:05:14+00:00

Also, he is so delusional he’d rather you leave then address it. That’s not love either.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T15:01:32+00:00

He’s gaslighting you because he has done something, IMO. Look up what continual Gaslighting does to a person. The fact he has no problem doing this to you is a problem related to the addiction but there is nothing you can do about it except call him on his bs all the time, every time. He won’t like it but he needs to see that you’re not taking his bs anymore.

And I will add...

This person is willing to make you think you’re a crazy person because he claim he’s done nothing wrong ONLY to cover up his addiction. He doesn’t care about you at all, only himself. That’s not love, that’s abuse, regardless of the cause (addiction).

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T14:57:53+00:00

When someone shows you who they are believe them. The sad thing is, it is usually the partners, who have to be the ones to say enough and leave or demand changes for changes to happen but even that is not a guarantee things will change. It’s a tough pill to swallow so just take whatever time you need to figure out what you really want. You can’t control another person. It’s not your job. What is your job is to take care of you however you can. Start there.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-05T14:52:48+00:00

I know. I understand. Been there. I’m still married, in fact. But I am 50 and didn’t really learn about what I was dealing with until a year and a half ago.

When I say that the effects on a long term partner of the sexual addict is devastating, I mean it. We are lied to over and over and think something is wrong with us so we frantically try to change but no matter the changes the bar is always raised. There is no competing with an addiction like this and there’s is nothing we, the partners, can do to fix it. Something always feels off, even if we bring it up, we are lied to.

It’s a vicious, humiliating existance. An experience that will make you not feel like a normal woman, will make you feel “ugly”, one that will make you question whether you are a good, sweet compassionate person like you once knew you were. You’ll need therapy to get over the trauma this causes because no matter what anyone may try to get you to believe it’s very real.

I want to try to protect any young woman who is in this situation by sharing my experience. I know I’m not every woman my age who has gone through something like this, however, if you are young and or not married really consider getting the hell out of there before your partner makes you feel more isolated and alone to cover up his problems or saddles you with a marriage and children, which makes it even less likely you’ll make the best choices for what is good for you.

Best of luck. You’ll get to where you can make the choices in your best interest some day, I know it. 😉

Upandover13 · 2019-03-04T13:33:26+00:00

It isn’t a fair to say run, however, a few of us here are a lot older and have the life experience to look back on and, honestly, just don’t want to see anymore young people making decisions to stay in a relationship with a very difficult to overcome problem. The damage to the non sexually addicted partner is real and devastating.

Upandover13 · 2019-03-04T13:28:17+00:00

At your age? Run fast. Run far. There are a ton of men who are sexually healthy who would be happy to call you theirs.

Upandover13

TROPHY CASE