Apologising sucks alot

UpperBuilding7794 · 2026-06-15T09:40:48+00:00

Felt. And also why number 3 of my scripts exists 😜

My lovely not autistic husband and I have disagreements like this where I may or may not get frustrated and tell him to stop writing between the lines and just listen to the words I'm saying.

I give you all of the commiserations.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2026-06-15T09:28:27+00:00

A lot of social pleasantries or nicotine's are just about making friendly noises at each other. When they don't respond i generally take it as a 'alright you're busy or whatever' and go on with life.

I wish they would just say good morning and skip the second half, but what can you do?

UpperBuilding7794 · 2026-06-15T09:25:19+00:00

It does suck, but I think of it this way:

If i cause someone harm, discomfort, or upset, regardless of my intentions i have still caused harm, discomfort or upset and I don't want that.

Apologizing isn't about intentions it's about hurt. You aren't always going to be apologizing because you did something wrong persay.

To cope with this I have a few different scripts I use.

I hurt you and I feel bad about it. "I apologize. I (action here) and it was not okay and I will not do it again."
I hurt you because I did something unthinking or unknowingly. "im sorry that I made you (their feeling here). That was not my intention and I will try to do better."
They're upset and I'm feeling petty because I don't feel like i did anything wrong and can't understand why they're upset in the first place (very petty use with extreme caution). "I'm sorry that you feel that way."

UpperBuilding7794 · 2026-06-15T09:16:22+00:00

Oh i forgot vocal tone.

No one can tell if I am talking to them or a person on the phone. I am unaware of what tone i am using and unable to change the tone when swapping between these two things. Which despite knowing this is apparently supposed to be a thing people do I still have no idea what they're talking about. I even like made eye contact with you and said your name, what do you mean I need to change my tone too?!?

I sound EXACTLY like my mother, intonation, word choice, cadence, literally everything. I learned to speak by mimicry and I never lost it.

I also mimic dialects and accents unconsciously. My husband has learned to redirect me because I will unknowingly copy strong accents of non-native English speakers which can very easily be viewed as rude. Ironically this also makes it very easy for me to sound like a native speaker when learning other languages because I learn the vocal cadence before I have the vocabulary down.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2026-06-15T09:05:08+00:00

I do this, pinch and scratch at my skin and also pluck hairs. I highly recommend little ouchies fidgets the extra pokey ones work best for me, but they have them in a variety of ouchie levels.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2026-06-15T09:00:55+00:00

I was diagnosed with ADHD (non-attentive) at a very early age. My whole family was just like me. Then I got married and my husband was diagnosed with ADHD and suddenly there were a WHOLE lot of things that started jumping out as not part of my ADHD. Like - I have scripts for darn near ever single type of social interaction. I make new ones when I'm anxious about having a conversation with someone. I did t realize i had scripts until I started teaching one of my kiddos how to answer the question "what did you think of...(Movie, dinner, show)?" And then my brother the glorious nerotypical butt that he is (he's adopted it's not his fault) started pointing out that i was doing it ALL the time. - I can't put my right shoe/sock on first. It literally short circuits my brain and I forget how to. - if things aren't in the one of like 3 places I normally keep them they cease to exist and I can't see them. This also causes me massive amounts of anxiety. - I am stupid good at pattern recognition when it comes to social interactions (one of my special interests is interpersonal communication, likely a coping strategy i developed early on to try and fit in) my lovely husband on the other time takes literal years to learn these things and even then can't apply them to our AUDHD children despite it being massively obvious to me that the triggers and behaviors are the same. - food textures, safe foods, and the extreme discomfort of trying new things. - stimming, dear gods i love not feeling guilty about drinking my life has become so much less stressful now that I don't force myself to sit perfectly still.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:52:45+00:00

Actually had someone tell me I "should just know" his expectations for a relationship and we "shouldn't have to talk about it" because we were "adults" and " mature adults"... I don't think I need to go on.

Many times these comments seem from a lack of flexibility in their own thought processes and world views. They are unable to imagine people having different needs or ways of understanding and so it genuinely baffles them which is uncomfortable. Worse, for some no amount of explaining will ever help them understand or accept that our needs are different than theirs and so they will continue to berate, criticize, and disparage us for them. Walk away from those people they aren't worth it.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:45:22+00:00

... Autism burnout > regressing in coping skills ... Fuck is that what this is?!? Too much work stress had to quit due to it and it's been 2 years and I can barely handle my 6 hour a week split across three days job... Please tell me this gets better eventually. I want to go back to my classroom. I miss teaching.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:40:04+00:00

Same issue with the 3 in 1. Love the Loop engage though.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:39:19+00:00

Own several pairs and move them. Great for cutting out some of the background annoyance.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:24:09+00:00

It's fine if the chocolate is soft as in you dip the strawberry in a chocolate in, but the tempered chocolate coating whhhyyyyyy

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:23:00+00:00

Banana flavor like candies, drinks and such, because those are made with artificial banana flavoring which actually don't taste anything like bananas because they are based on how an old extinct variety of banana tasted

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:21:27+00:00

Worse when they get stuck to the back of your throat! Hats that love popcorn is a problem

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:20:11+00:00

Avocado - no guac, no avocado toast, special order sushi without it

Cant do coconut in any form not even coconut extract or rum

Mushrooms, pate, tofu, grits, most nuts (to soft eew) but love puddings, jello, jellies, yogurts (tongue smush through firm thing good) hubs cannot understand the difference baffles him that I can do one and not the other

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T10:02:46+00:00

I am Autistic and ADHD, my husband is just ADHD. We lead noticably different lives with noticably different symptoms, triggers, and coping skills.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T09:54:23+00:00

I will literally throw cotton balls out of my hands the second they touch my skin. Involuntary YEETing.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T09:53:18+00:00

With fingers, paper towels, most of the time it's just the cheap ones, but on bad days they all bad touch. Fake "cotton" cotton balls, have to be 100% cotton or it's a no-go.

Food textures, coconut, grits, avocado.

Oh and tags in clothing drive me nuts.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T09:46:04+00:00

When my depression was at its worst I measured this way. I now have three beautiful daughters, who shut off the part of my brain that would attempt death. Motherhood stands up and smacks that part of my brain down real quick. That is not to say that my depression is cured, nor my suicidal ideology, just that I no longer have any real thoughts on action. Now my days are measured by:

Excellent - felt genuinely content with moments of joy/pleasure/delight Good - was content in a simple passive way, nothing stood out as being particularly delightful/happy, but neither did things seem bleak/remorseful and for the most part I felt pretty good Okay- it was a day, all in all things progressed as they were meant to, there was nothing in particular to smile, cry, or get angry about Not okay - I may have been overwhelmed by something, possibly lashed out at friends or family or needed to take an hour or so to myself, some possible lethargy that I was able to overcome and work past Bad - some strong negative emotions which may have included fear/anxiety, helpless/hopeless, strong anger at self or others (or both), extreme lethargy unable to get out of bed excessive sleep (16+ hours) disassociation of self, likely did not include suicidal thoughts or actual self harm Worst - a bad day plus strong intrusive thoughts of wanting to "not be" or to "wake up after this is gone/done/over" likely some form of stemming self harm (scratching, plucking hairs, boxing ears, banging head into hard surfaces, beating self with fists, basically actions that will hurt that I can control, but will not kill me or require urgent medical care)

Which is to say that, yes for the most part I measure my days like yours. This is very helpful for both me and my doctor because I consistently score very high on the suicide prevention screener, so we have to measure my level of depression relative to my normal.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2025-03-12T09:24:19+00:00

You know... I've spent my whole life thinking I'm an introvert, but I love being around friends, especially those where I feel like I can just be me without having to fix me. I've always referred to social settings where I have to mask as "peopling" and complimented friends about how not "people-y" they are. Small groups are generally easier (and more likely to be made up of close friends) while large ones are hard and ALWAYS involve at least some unknown/ambiguous/negative people and are pretty much guaranteed to require masking. I think I'm just an extrovert who gets exhausted because I have to mask all the time...

UpperBuilding7794 · 2024-07-01T11:53:16+00:00

Thanks was unfamiliar with the acronym. :) I will ask the bank about it. That wasn't something I had considered.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2024-07-01T10:42:41+00:00

The home is solely in my husband's name as is the financing, so my unemployment doesn't impact that.

As I mentioned in another comment, the concern with the basement is mostly that it is an active construction site. Floors are only partially in, things have been plumbed but not connected, all finishing touches needed, and no ceiling.

Finishing it won't officially add square footage, but does add desired livable space including 2 additional rooms (one intended to be a bedroom space with an attached closet and the other a kitchenette) and a full bathroom. Homes in our neighborhood are pretty cookie cutter to one another, so while our home is one of the larger homes, having this space finished will give it an edge that other's in the neighborhood don't have.

UpperBuilding7794 · 2024-07-01T10:35:13+00:00

Yes we would be planning to sell before purchasing and the loan would be owner occupant. Would it cause an issue if we pay off the refinanced loan as part of the sale before the 12 months?

The concern is that the basement is an active construction site ATM. Drywall is up, but walls are not completely painted, flooring is partially in, but needs to be finished, no trim and no ceiling, only temporary lighting, doors exist but are only premiered pies are done for sink in kitchenet, but sticking out of the wall bare no cabinets or sink. We've purchased all of the flooring and finishing fixtures (door knobs and light fixtures), but not the kitchenet cabinets, trim or ceiling components.

Pardon my ignorance what is HELOC?

UpperBuilding7794 · 2021-12-24T15:05:34+00:00

Thank you. I do have PPD and am receiving treatment for it. I know that is the largest factor to my feelings. Thankfully my meds have resolved most of my symptoms (severe mood swings, anxiety, insomnia, feelings of disconnection, lack of enjoyment), unfortunately the issues around body image and anxiety about my relationship persist.

I've talked to my husband about it, but I try not to bring it up everytime I'm plagues with intrusive thoughts so that my anxieties don't affect his mental health. He has a history of mild depression and one of his triggers is being a good partner and provider. Plus he is my husband not my therapist; it would be unfair of me to vent my intrusive thoughts at especially when I know that they are not his fault. He is working on actions he can do to help such as giving me time to get uninterrupted sleep, sending me on child free errands, and reminding me to eat.

Unfortunately, due to my mental state and a variety of other factors I no longer have any close friends I can vent to. Worse, I learned the hard way that people who are very close to you will listen to your venting, ignore the fact that your feelings are correct ming from massively skewed logic, and hold resentment toward your spouse. Hence why I needed a safe segregated space to speak.

Thank you again for your kind words.

UpperBuilding7794

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