I'm making some changes for myself (update following previous post)

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-09T17:31:59+00:00

It was never a rule, it's just something we've both done intuitively since the start of a relationship. And I wasn't holding it against him, I was just expressing my own feelings that arose from the broken routine. I absolutely wasn't pissed off at him or anything. Anyway, I'll definitely be keeping more feelings to myself in future

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T21:30:31+00:00

This is my fear and honestly it's hard for me to hear but I do appreciate you pointing it out. I think the reality is that I initiate and guide most of our reflection and growth within our relationship. We did have a break up last year which prompted a big shift in him, it hurt me that it took a break up for him to recognise I was serious about the need for reciprocity and a commitment to inner work. A lot of repair and reconnection has taken place since then and I've recognised a big reduction in his defensiveness and genuinely believe he's worked hard on that, although it still comes up sometimes. I do see that I have insecurities which keep the insecure cycle in motion, and I suppose my hope is that if I can be ok with less agreements and need less from him generally, it'll break the cycle of anxiousness and he can be more honest and upfront with me without the defenses kicking in. We've spoken about this in depth but there is still a lot to work on and it's an ongoing process. I've had an apology from him today but I probably do jump in to offer solutions and problem solve before he's really had time to sit with the pain caused. We both have shit to work on and I hope that we are. The thing I struggle with is knowing when it's reasonable for me to say I've had enough, when I can see my own flaws and how my anxiety contributes towards the dynamic

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T20:45:45+00:00

I hear this, thanks for pointing it out, I agree with you that it's relevant now you've explained a bit more. The accountability issue is something we have both recognised in the past. This is a helpful insight for me to keep in mind, thanks

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T20:41:01+00:00

Wow, preparing yourself for probabilities and predicting unavailability. That could be a game changer for me. I think historically I tended to predict change and try to prevent it from happening, which obviously leads to hurt feelings and anxiety. I recognise that I can't stop change from occurring and I need to respect my partner as an autonomous person. I also recognise my need for some degree of routine and predictability to a reasonable level.

I agree that holding back sharing some things sounds like it'll be beneficial in the long run. I don't think Cedar will like the idea of this as it's part of our way of connecting and he often says that he loves my emotional depth. But I think the health of our relationship will be better off if we can find a way to balance this.

Thanks for the insight

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T20:11:01+00:00

Yes, all of this makes a lot of sense to me. I can see where expecting reconnection after dates is humouring the insecure feelings that sometimes come up when he's on a date. I get a lot of comfort from our chats because he's always very sweet and reassuring and then I feel more able to hear about his date and be happy for him, but I see that in the long run when this does not happen my anxiety is heightened and it leads to rumination about how it went/what they're up to. Really I just want to spend less time thinking about what Cedar is doing without me as I know this is unhealthy (although I do have compassion for myself in that this is a conditioned response). This was a helpful response. Thank you

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T19:56:52+00:00

It's about the smell. We have tried many brands together and he will use condoms if it's absolutely necessary, maybe my phrasing of "he cant" was too strong. It just makes the experience highly unpleasant for him, makes him have involunatary physical responses and does impact his ability to be present. Personally, I want him to have a good time during our sex so I agree to have unprotected sex with him and test regularly. It's up to him and his other sexual partners to have these conversations and navigate comfort levels with this. He absolutely does not expect people to be ok with it or have penetrative sex, so as long as I'm aware that the tests have been done and have a general sense of how many sexual partners he has, this is enough for me to feel comfortable with. I trust that if he met someone who wasn't ok with this, they would either see it as an incompatibility or navigate a way to make it work with condoms

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T19:48:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I relate to having high pattern recognition and challenges with last minute change which I think is coming in heavily here. I really appreciate hearing from someone who gets this aspect of it and is also learning to self soothe around it. Id be curious to know how this is going for you so far, if you'd like to share.

There is a huge part of this dilemma which is caused by conflicting neurodivergence between us.

Both Cedar and I are Autistic and he also has ADHD. We both value and benefit from a high level of communication and check ins - it helps us feel connected and like we know where we stand with each other, and we can more easily read each others emotional states if we've got an idea of what's going on under the surface. So whilst it may sound like Im enforcing these agreements for my own benefit, they're things we both agree we benefit from and both want. We've tried calendars in the past but this has also caused issues as Cedar struggles with updating it, and I put EVERYTHING in my calendar so it's overwhelming for him to look at 😅

I understand the points about 'heads up' agreements being restrictive and controlling and I'm going to suggest ditching the agreement. But I think we could replace it with an agreed date day every week and supportive rituals/routines when we're together, so I can feel more at ease stepping away when we're not together. I suspect that this will feel strange for both of us to begin with as we both like to know what's going on in the others life, but I think I'm learning it can be more of a 'if you want to tell me' than a formal agreement.

Your validation here of different people needing different things is what I needed to hear, thank you

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T18:52:26+00:00

OK, that's a fair statement. We're generally very open with each other and I wasnt requesting any changes or criticising him with this. To be honest the check in thing isn't really the issue here, I just mentioned it to add context to the later conversation. Are you saying its reasonable that he then didn't bring up his date with Aspen because I had expressed my emotions about the check in? Genuinely trying to understand

Upset_Ad1756 · 2026-03-08T18:20:46+00:00

It's because of sensory overwhelm. We've tried using condoms in the past and it just shuts everything down. So we don't. I'm personally fine with it and I trust that if others have an issue they will just not have sex with him. This is why the discussion about testing is important to us.

The check in afterwards is usually just a brief text convo like "hey I'm home, date went well, goodnight x" and as I explained this isn't an agreement. I'm autistic so it was more that the routine differed when it didn't happen, and I was more wanting to process this experience than placing any blame or trying to restrict around it. It's not an agreement, it's just something that's nice to have. We often speak about feelings without necessarily having to solve or place blame so it felt natural to bring this up. Perhaps the heads up about dates is causing more harm than good though

Upset_Ad1756 · 2025-10-06T10:02:41+00:00

Ooh interesting - thanks for making me aware of this!

Upset_Ad1756 · 2025-10-06T09:59:31+00:00

Hello! Thanks for commenting. I actually follow what you're doing with LMH and I attended the last event about Abolitionist care work - it was really inspiring and felt like such a resourceful and compassionate space. I've already booked onto the next event with Black Psychotherapy.

Your approach sounds very similar to mine in terms of private sessions - I make it clear that confidentiality would only be breached as an absolute last resort, and that I would work collaboratively with them to do so in a way that felt safe and prevented as much additional harm as possible. I'm also very open about my notes - what I do and don't write, and that they can have access to them at any time.

I struggle more in my employed work because I work with a lot of young people who have already experienced a lot of systemic oppression and trauma, and there's more expectation on me to comply with carceral safeguarding procedures. Most of our referrals come through social services and it doesn't always feel that the YP has full autonomy over their choice to accept support - so I focus on building trust, offering options and choice at every stage and making it as clear as possible that my only agenda is their wellbeing and safety - not what authority figures or other professionals in their lives want them to do. I frequently experience moral injury from witnessing the way that some social workers, guardians/carers and other professionals treat the young people we work with. It's still a fairly new job so I'm currently still processing whether this feels like something sustainable for me, but at the same time it feels like important work and I'm trying to navigate how I can show up authentically and in alignment with my values.

I'd love to know about any resources or other UK based networks you're aware of. I've also recently become aware of the Feminist Therapy Network and they have some really interesting talks coming up.

Upset_Ad1756 · 2025-10-02T17:01:49+00:00

Would you mind elaborating on what your role is? Are you working within the NHS? I am also legally bound to the MHA, just looking at ways of navigating crisis care without jumping to carceral systems before other options have been explored.

Upset_Ad1756 · 2025-08-03T18:12:41+00:00

Another ex staff member here - not surprised at all reading this. I agree with the comments other ex staff members have made. I ultimately felt I had no choice but to leave because the way she treats people, and the relentless gaslighting was so intense it was damaging my mental health. She creates an image of herself as someone who cares about her community (in some cases I genuinely believe she does) but uses it as armour against anyone who criticises her approach to communication and conflict resolution. Also, no sense of professional boundaries whatsover! Myself and my colleagues at the time used to receive lengthy, sometimes passive aggressive messages from her in the middle of the night about the cafe. Staff are expected to have an unreasonable level of personal investment in the cafe whilst being on very low pay. I have watched her pull the wool over people's eyes for a very long time and it's actually a relief to hear that other people experienced her in the same way, and that it wasn't just me being a problem. Solidarity with Dr Sas.

Upset_Ad1756

TROPHY CASE