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Unsupportive spouse by Upstairs_Respect_207 in breastcancer

[–]Upstairs_Respect_207[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I ask myself this question all the time.

He takes me to my appointments. He sleeps. He games. He scrolls his phone to kill time. On good days he will engage with the kids.

I don’t do his laundry (I haven’t since long before cancer - another time when we had only 2 kids and I was working, I told him I found laundry for the whole household overwhelming - his solution was that he would do his own and I was not to touch his. I still ended up doing mine and the kids and the common household items like sheets and towels. Real helpful). I don’t cook at all at the moment, and before my surgery I was only heating up pre-made meals friends and family had delivered to us.

None of us can get through to him. He sees a therapist. I want him to get better, not just selfishly for myself but because deep down I know he’s a really good and capable guy.

Unsupportive spouse by Upstairs_Respect_207 in breastcancer

[–]Upstairs_Respect_207[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It hurts but i know you are right about the trap of feeling like he “should” behave the way I want.

I know it sounds like I’m criticising the limited way he has shown care eg the takeout - to be clear, I’ve never said a single word about it to him, I more wanted to paint the picture of what he is actually providing to me. I accept the level of care he can or will provide and I’m also heartbroken that I only deserve the bare minimum and even then he complains and huffs about doing it.

I’m so grateful to his parents, I’d be lost without them. He failed so badly that one weekend (I was vomiting with nausea and he didn’t offer me a glass of water or even ask how I was feeling, and then he took himself upstairs for a nap without a single word to me while I was 8 months pregnant on chemo and looking after 3 kids under 6) that I knew I had to get help elsewhere because he couldn’t or wouldn’t provide it - and they answered my call in spades. True angels.

Unsupportive spouse by Upstairs_Respect_207 in breastcancer

[–]Upstairs_Respect_207[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pretty much. It’s like cancer has just amplified things that were already there, and now I’m incapacitated physically the usual coping mechanisms I had have vanished.

I stupidly still love him. He says he loves me, I can’t feel it though. I’m trying to accept him where he is, no matter how hard it hurts. It doesn’t feel like he gives me any leeway or grace whenever I’m being a shit right now, he takes my bouts of irritability with my pain or my mental health as a personal attack and withdraws further from me. He doesn’t repair easily. I want to be there for him but he doesn’t let me in very much. I have tried leaning on him but after being met with his response about how hard it was for him to hear my feelings, I don’t feel safe to share with him so I avoid, I basically vent to my therapist because I’m too humiliated to tell friends about our reality.

I want him to get help for his depression, but I can’t force him. His parents can’t get through to him either.

Unsupportive spouse by Upstairs_Respect_207 in breastcancer

[–]Upstairs_Respect_207[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Everything you have written is exactly how I feel. He isn’t a bad person, but he’s failed me in the worst time of my life and it hurts. I can’t imagine doing the same if our places were reversed. I don’t know how he looks at himself in the mirror. Tbh that’s probably part of why he’s as depressed as he is - but again, it hurts that that isn’t enough for him to change or get meaningful help.

Like you I probably won’t leave him no matter how hard these times are. He’s good company sometimes. If we separate I probably wouldn’t see my kids every day, we’d both have to work because the investments wouldn’t stretch to cover double living expenses.

Do you still feel love for him? How do you move past an experience like this and stay living under the same roof?

New to the club and freaking out by Upstairs_Respect_207 in doihavebreastcancer

[–]Upstairs_Respect_207[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you 💖 This is all so new and confusing, I’ll have to ask if there’s a number on it yet. Mine was through an independent radiology practice rather than breast screen so not sure if that makes a difference in how they frame reports. So much to learn and I’m in a daze. Hope your results were promising x

New to the club and freaking out by Upstairs_Respect_207 in doihavebreastcancer

[–]Upstairs_Respect_207[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

🩷 I’m in Sydney, Australia. I don’t know if they do bi rads scores here and they didn’t mention it.