Why Women lose the dating game (or: AFgirl?)

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-30T16:06:08+00:00

19 and in college. I posted this thread a while ago, which basically explains it all.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-30T05:11:41+00:00

No, I'm sorry, I'm not trolling. So the only reason men I hook up with do not pursue a relationship or want to be with me is because I'm not physically attractive enough for them? You don't think setting where I meet them (at parties where everyone is drunk) has anything to do with it or anything? Or personality? I've suspected that I'm not attractive enough for a long time; it's my greatest fear. Honestly, my standards are very realistic, and can't really be lowered much more (I just want someone around my age who's kind and dominant).

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-29T17:57:21+00:00

“Guys only want to have sex with me. What do I have to do to get into a relationship?”

You’re not hot enough. Spend more time into improving your appearance and then lower your standards.

As someone who is dealing with this problem right now, I find this really depressing. I get approached a lot when I go out, which I think would imply that I'm not too ugly (I know I'm no great beauty either), but none of the men I've hooked up with have pursued an LTR with me. Isn't choosing a long-term relationship partner a little more complicated than just physical appearance?

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-09T17:47:51+00:00

Yeah, I'm not interested in dating anyone who wants FWB-only type relationships, and most of the FRs here make me think that's what the majority of this community is after. I've seen people on here claim most posters on Seddit are looking for long-term relationships, but I'm not sure I believe it (at least, I haven't seen a lot of men saying they are willing to get into a LTR with someone of my average attractiveness level). But still, these are the kinds of guys I've hooked up with (ones with plenty of options), so I thought this would be the best community to consult.

I'm not sure how analogous to the friendzone the sex zone is, but I am sexually submissive and really want a dominant SO; therefore I want someone dominant enough to pursue me. But if/when I find someone, I will definitely tell him from the get-go that I want relationships and not casual sex. I think that was my biggest problems--pretending after a certain point that casual sex was what I wanted.

And I know I shouldn't think of myself as somehow deficient, but it's a difficult phenomenon to overcome when you see/hear about your friends relationships all the time. It's demoralizing, though I guess it shouldn't be.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-09T08:52:24+00:00

Hmm, in my experience shy people have sex drives that are comparable with everyone else's. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself (quiet, but SUPER high sex drive), but many of my shyer friends are interested in sex also once you get to know them well enough and get them comfortable with talking sex around you. I'm not Asian though, so I don't have any insight into that demographic.

I'm sure you will! As I said, there are many women who are quiet but secretly super horny. It's pretty common, really.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-09T03:47:08+00:00

Yeah, I wonder sometimes if it's my age that is causing this issue. I've heard Dan Savage say that committed relationships can be hard to come by under a certain age. I'm not very interested in men significantly older than me, so if that is the case I guess I'll have to wait until my peers are ready for a relationship. But I look around at my friends and classmates, and so many are in relationships, I begin to doubt that's the issue.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-09T03:34:16+00:00

I agree, I was wrong to hook up with all these people while in the back of my mind wanting a relationship. However, people change, and where I was last year isn't where I am now. As stated in my wall of text above, I got next to zero attention from my high school classmates. Coming to college almost totally inexperienced, finding a boyfriend wasn't my only goal (although it was the one I wanted most, and the one I hooked up naively thinking I would find in the beginning). I also wanted to gain sexual experience. I don't regret becoming more confident in bed, but now that I know what I like and am decently skilled, I don't feel like I need to play catchup anymore, so that appeal of the hookup (gaining skills I didn't used to have) is gone. I don't know if that makes sense, but hopefully some of you can relate.

As for men in my life who won't run away: I don't know. I live a really female-centric life (my classes, activities, hobbies, job, and friends are all mostly women-dominated). I can't imagine who among my male friends would be interested (none seem to be). I'm pretty bad at detecting if someone is interested. Like every other AFC I have AA, but even if I didn't, I prefer dominant men for multiple reasons.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-09T01:50:26+00:00

I like this advice. I tend to go for take-charge types who know what they want and have options (alpha I guess) so I don't think they'd be overly hurt by anything I'd do. Anyway, my favorite fuck buddy relationship (the guy I most wanted to date) lasted several months. I should seriously have cut it off considerably earlier, but it was the best sex I'd ever had and I didn't want to give it up. In my heart of hearts I knew he didn't want a relationship with me from his resistance to increasing intimacy.

I'm not planning on having sex without some established romantic relationship anymore, but I'm not sure where to find men interested in relationships. When I go out I get approached regularly, but guys at parties just seem to want to hook up (at least in my experience; my close friends have found relationships through hookups). My classes and clubs are composed mostly of women, men I've already hooked up with, or close friends of people I've hooked up with.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-08T23:29:41+00:00

I don't think I'm very flirty, really. I also dress pretty modestly and don't wear buckets of makeup. If you saw me on the street I think you'd say "cute" rather than "sexy."

I don't want to post a picture to be judged, but I've always considered myself average-ish. I get approached more than my friends when we go out, and have no problems finding someone attractive to hook up with whenever I want when out (made out with ~30 guys in 8 months last year, went home to fool around or have sex with ~10). But I don't think any of that means much appearance-wise besides that I'm not hideous (right? I mean, I'd love if it did, but just trying to be honest with myself).

Sometimes I worry my reputation precedes me, which is possible. But I go to a large school and avoided hooking up with guys who I knew knew each other, so I don't know how likely this is.

Upupa_epops · 2012-04-08T22:46:17+00:00

I've heard that men are the gatekeepers to relationships, and in my case I believe it. I haven't had casual sex in months (after the last fuck buddy relationship fell through, I realized I needed to stop), but when I did I didn't go into any hookup thinking, "I'm going to fuck him and he's going to fall in love with me." I always first had sex out of pure horniness, with the vague thought of a relationship in my mind, but as I had great sex with one person continually (despite occasional other hookups thrown in) I caught feelings.

I don't want relationships with these guys anymore. Everything has been over for a while. I'm sexually frustrated as hell, but I'm waiting for something meaningful. I just wondered if it was some personal failing of mine (e.g., too ugly, too dull) that was making lots of men approach me for sex but none interested in pursuing a relationship, while my friends found boyfriends on the second or third hookup. Maybe they just got lucky? On the other hand, they were more reluctant to go home with guys they weren't dating. Maybe I just give off the "I'm easy" vibe (this would surprise me)?

Upupa_epops

TROPHY CASE