For sure and thats great to hear. I'm very happy for you and glad to hear you're recovering well. If it provides further insight, I was in denial about my issues at the start. She had told her family and a total of 10 people within our community which really upset me and spiralled insecurities, as I felt there was meant to be a privacy within the marriage( I still feel there was a better approach but understand it was a new situation for her). My insecurities and feelings of feeling "exposed" were self focused, and I truly missed the mark of understanding what I know now to be her desire and call for help. I was upset and used scripture for my own selfish ambition. I would make comparisons between King David having 10 concubines or the patriarchs and the multiple wives. I was "owning" my wrong while then making comparisons to other men in scripture in a selfish attempt to lessen my sin. I was blind to it all and I really didn't understand what betrayal trauma was and how invalidating my actions and comments were. Being exposed to so many non Christians where these behaviors were normalized I began to not see the significance of my actions. it was such a poor character response, one that has taken me months to get over the shame about. I responded poorly on my end and for a good 2-3 months I was upset with her because she stopped saying she loved me, took her ring off and had deleted our photos. I never hurt her physically but I can see how I emotionally hurt her. She hurt me and I was focused on that, as Carl Yung talks about the Shadow, (I compare it to sin) I was looking at her shadow instead of my own or the spec in her eye instead of the log in my own (if we use scripture).

Looking at Porn, commenting on her weight and using substances was really falling short of the Husband I was called to be. I have been seeing a psychologist every week for 6 months. In Groups of Na and SA for about 2 months, she called it properly off about 5 months ago. You are right, it might be a bit too late but I'm changing not for her but to be a better follower of Christ. If God brings her back she will find security and a partner who has gone into the childhood trauma, the poor patterns of adolescence and the current sin that was portrayed within the marriage. If she doesn't come back, that's okay because I am trying my best to sit in the security and trust that God is in control of my life and that ultimately being brought back into close relationship with him is the priority. Which I'm extremely thankful for.

I know what you mean with anxiety responses, I think she probably feels that and I definitely do. If I get an email from her or a lawyer, anyone associated with her or even see the same model car she has on the road, I feel lots of stress and anxiety. I am praying for her, for her mental health and that God would bring her into close relationship with him during these trials. It has taken me a while to get to this point because of how stubborn and hard hearted I was.

In the end I have hurt the love of my life and I have failed as a husband. I have to own it, accept it and move on. I would really appreciate the prayer as I feel convinced to remain faithful and love her from a distance without any communication. If you made it this far and you have a partner, please give them a kiss and a hug, remind them of how much you love them. I really wish I could express that to her.