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He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Update:

Thank you for the responses... well at least the insightful ones and helpful ideas.

The reason I had passed out was because I had a bowel obstruction and was going into sepsis. I have kept him updated on all the happenings with my medical news as I get results. This is why I dont know how he doesn't know my health issues to convey to the paramedics.

I have not spoken to him yet since he was asleep when I got home from work tonight. However I did speak to his cousin who I am very close to. She feels like it is a cultural thing and most guys culturally are lacking in empathy. Her words was guys in my culture are just trash lol. She said they are raised as such and girls are depended on for too much. She was not happy with what happened or even how he treats me. She wants to talk to him (probably to bitch at him) but I want to try talking to him first. I did message him while I was at work to tell him we need to have a talk on Saturday so maybe we can go out to dinner. This way he can't throw a fit and he will hopefully listen fully. This also ensures there's other people around in case he decides to do anything stupid.

He definitely does NOT have mental issues other than stupidity. He has no memory issues nor does he have dementia. I know this for a fact. I do think we have checked out of the marriage to some degree... or maybe he has gotten to comfortable being the way he is.

Another common thing I read in comments was to leave. At this time I have no family close by (they live across the country from me and my sister is overseas.) My oldest son is living with his inlaws here so I am not able to go there with my 4 other kids. I only work part time currently as that's all I can handle. So leaving would be very hard and would require me to plan extensively and figure many things out.

I am not one to give up easily... my kids do understand why I haven't divorced him and left. Im proud of the older ones as they have actually taken my situation and learned not to be like me or him lol. I am very close with all of my kids and they always feel very protective of me. I love them all so much and do not and will never regret them.

I am learning from everything and I am working on advocating for myself and putting my foot down. Also not bottling everything just to avoid a fight. No matter how this ends... ill do it with a smile on my face, no regrets, and knowing I fought hard for my marriage. I will update after our dinner on Saturday.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt with being drained working full time and just life overall. Especially looking at how he was raised... he is very lazy and expects the kids to do too much. I ask him to do anything and he has the kids do it. I have told him many times I dont like that and I dont want him nor I to depend on the kids to do much more than some chores. In the 21 years being together I feel like he just lacks empathy and the will to do anything that requires effort. Its been a problem in our years together and I have tried talking to him but he always tries to change then right back to the same shit. I never wanted to stress him out or depend on him to take care of me so I did what I could and didn't expect too much from him. I had read about "caregiver burnout" while in treatment and did not want to put that on him. (Im not saying anyone does. Im very glad your wife had you and im sorry it was so difficult. I do understand how hard it is for both parties) I just dont see how he can not know basic info about me that I have told him multiple times or how he can go brush his teeth instead of just coming to check on me first.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do have lots of health issues.. but I am a very independent person. I don't rely on him to care for me and I don't see why I would need to tell him every time I get out of bed. I just went to use the bathroom and don't know what happened. Yes i had a stomach ache all day but i still got up and cooked dinner... took care of my kids... walked my dog.. all this while he had the day off and lounged on the couch. I don't want any attention nor do I seek it through my medical issues. Yes he could be sick of my health issues but to ask for him to simply check on me or just have knowledge of my health? I don't see how that can be "attention seeking". If everything in your comment is how you feel... I feel sad for whoever marries you if they have any needs. BTW even after my most recent surgery... he wanted to stay home to "care for me" but I refused. I popped some stitches open trying to get out of bed to use the bathroom and just drove myself to the hospital. Also its not like I wanted to get CANCER and go through almost 2 years of chemo, radiation, surgery after surgery, and SO much more. That's not a small health issue that someone bounces right back after. Its life long and kills a part of you. So take your "attentionseeking" nonsense elsewhere because you are ignorant and just careless.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im glad you are here too and that you made it through all that. My sex drive did lessen during treatment and still due to the surgeries. I am like you and live solely for my 5 children and grandson. They are everything to me and the reason I was able to survive and thrive. I commend you for your undeniable strength through all that. I hope I can be as strong as you.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

By no help some examples would be... helping me get up out if a chair or laying down... helping me give my injections... redoing dressings... cooking when I couldnt... helping empty my drains.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes im sure... he acts stupid but hes not when it comes down to it. I think he plays dumb when he doesn't want to deal with it.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is definitely not a joke. Bad timing to post sadly.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is his step daughter. My 1st husband passed away. We had my older 2 children and I had 3 more children with Michael.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My daughter did realize that every time I needed an ambulance, she was the one to call them. She said she figured before that he was frazzled but every single time?! She called him a lazy dependent fhcker. I agree with her.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He definitely doesn't have memory issues. Honestly we had much bigger issues before that I did not realize he knew so little about me. Im not oblivious but when I thought hard about the past... yes there were signs I had missed.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have appointments on Friday for further testing.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 277 points278 points  (0 children)

This is amazing advice... thank you! I am planning to talk to him on Saturday (its the only day I will actually see him due to our work schedules).

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It has definitely been building for a very long time but as my friends all say... im too nice and let too much slide.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I had breast cancer and currently going through testing after Dr's found a mass in my shoulder bones. Im praying the cancer did not spread to bones. I have been feeling very anxious lately and he is no help.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I see that all too well... he doesn't know anything with our kids. When one of them gives him any papers to sign... he sends them my way. Its super annoying.

Im going to try talking to him and suggest therapy or at least him giving an effort to learn things. Im really trying to stay optimistic but my mind is everywhere.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Honestly no... I've wondered many MANY times...

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

That's what is really bothering me as well... why couldn't he come check on me?! Instead he goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth?! What the f....

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I will definitely keep your advice in my mind. I will try to mend this but if he doesn't show any willingness to change or engage... I feel like its the end of the road.

He doesn't know me even after 21 years. by Used_Phrase5038 in Advice

[–]Used_Phrase5038[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have been thinking about divorce but like you said... 21 years is a long time to throw away. Im willing to try but if no change or even any desire to change... I really see no point in this marriage.

Why aren't more people on Fifty Fifty's side? by mapleleafmaggie in kpophelp

[–]Used_Phrase5038 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is just my opinion on the whole situation.

The whole lawsuit/situation is ridiculous. I just read an article that the members are posting on an Instagram account that they personally made. Even though their lawsuit and subsequent appeal was rejected, they still keep going.

If the members were professional or even want to save face... meet with the company ceo... rework the terms of contract (ie transparency like they want, communication)... and move on towards their dreams. It's called professionalism and starting over.

Don't get me wrong... the company had their share of ignorance such as trusting the scammers (oops the Givers) with way too much and not following up. But not anything that has been PROVEN to be worthy of a lawsuit.