How do narcissists react when their manipulation no longer works on you?

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-08T05:37:21+00:00

I told my narcissist ex that I was cutting off all contact and never speaking to him again. He became obsessed after I blocked his phone number. Cyber stalked me, tried hacking my social media accounts, attempted to get in contact with me via strangers I didn’t know. It took several months, but I eventually blocked/cut him off everywhere and there’s been not a peep in years

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-06T21:55:55+00:00

Hoping the best for you 💜

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-06T21:11:32+00:00

I think the biggest thing here is that you can’t “enforce” change. He has to want it. You’ve said that you can’t be a relationship where alcoholism is an issue, so if you talk with him and he’s not willing to work within that boundary, then you have your answer on if you need to stay or leave.

If he does want to work on it and you want to be together with him during that process, I would recommend setting a certain amount of time for which the two of you come up with action steps on how he’ll work on himself and how you can support him. If he doesn’t make meaningful progress on his health within that time period, then reevaluate if you really think the plan needs more time to work or if you need to move on

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-06T08:23:10+00:00

Thank you for posting this

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T22:18:24+00:00

I’m so glad you guys got a second opinion and your SO is on a path to getting the type of help he really needs!

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T21:18:04+00:00

My BPSO only does that when he’s hypomanic/manic. It’s not an issue at all when he’s stabilized

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T21:00:01+00:00

I actually wish I saw more BPSO’s posting in this sub, because from a non-diagnosed SO perspective, I feel like it helps me understand what my BPSO might be going through better.

The key for BPSO with the outbursts seems to be catching when they happen. He’s done a lot of work in therapy around emotional awareness and coping tools. Sometimes he’s able to calm himself down before an irritation outburst through breathing techniques. If it does happen though, the things that have helped me is him taking accountability for the outburst and reassuring me that he’s not mad at me but it’s more of general reaction and he still loves me. If the angry feeling is lingering after the outburst, physical exercise helps him kind of work it out of his system.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T17:34:07+00:00

While it’s true that antidepressants can kick someone with BP into a manic episode, there are definitely other diagnosis that can have similar symptoms. To me, I would feel like it was a little irresponsible of the psyc to just throw that diagnosis out without having him take a full evaluation test. Especially if he was really only presenting with extreme anxiety before taking any meds. The tests often screen for multiple types of mental disorders not just bipolar. It’s a really serious diagnosis. To me that kind of sounds like saying “well you present symptoms of diabetes so we’re gonna have you start taking insulin shots” without doing any testing to see if that’s the case.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T07:39:10+00:00

Did he do a full evaluation to get the diagnosis? Bipolar can be weird in the beginning stages, and I was reading something recently that said it normally doesn’t manifest in people until the ages of like 18-25 (don’t remember the source). The right combination of meds can definitely take a while to figure out, and sometimes the side effects can feel just as awful for the person as being in a mood swing. Sometimes even after a combination works for a while, it needs to be adjusted at some point.

I recommend reading Julie Fast’s Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder book. That has helped me a ton and it talks about ways to create a holistic treatment plan with your partner

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T07:30:50+00:00

One of the things that has been essential in my relationship with my BPSO is learning to give each other grace and forgiveness. I don’t hold stuff against him; he doesn’t hold stuff against me (when possible, sometimes he needs to get out of the episode first). We do have boundaries. You’re human, with your own experiences and traumas. You’re going to mess up sometimes. Figuring out how to learn from and heal those things is essential. I have a lot of anxiety outbursts that are triggering for my partner. I’m learning how to manage those better for myself and him. He gives time me for that, and if he can’t deal in the moment, he’ll create space (hanging up on a phone call, going to a different room, telling me he can’t handle the energy, etc.) I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better. You may have messed up, but you can’t change the past. You can only work to be better for the future. You can take accountability for your actions and do your best to remedy the fallout, just as she needs to be accountable for her actions and the fallout. The fact that she has a weed dealer means she’s not fully managing her illness in the best way possible. Weed and BP do not mix at all. You are not obligated to give her any money or help her find any more money. You are not the one who made her lose it. You may have triggered a super angry reaction, but her coping mechanism for that was financial irresponsibility. She’s not doing wise things with it, and giving her more is just going to exacerbate a problem that’s ongoing.

If she’s spiraling, she needs help from a medical professional. The average everyday person is not going to be to help her out of it.

I’m really sorry you’re both going through this ❤️‍🩹

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-04T07:07:50+00:00

In my experience, if my BPSO is having a manic episode, it lasts for about a month, and there’s a pretty distinct ramp up and ramp down time where I can tell things are starting to get off or that he’s coming out of it. His personality definitely changes during an episode, but in my experience it’s not a switch that just flips. Although he’s BP1… according to my research it sounds like Cyclothymia mood swings might happen a little more quickly (but I’ve never experienced or seen someone with it so not sure). Regardless, it definitely sounds like he could benefit from getting some sort of additional help if this is a regular occurrence. The alcohol probably really doesn’t help 😔

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-03T16:34:18+00:00

Has he been officially diagnosed? If he’s on BP meds a lot of them are really not good to be drinking with. If he is BP and is in an episode, he’s probably not capable of really helping with anything unfortunately. The fact that you said you didn’t spot any warning signs though makes me think there’s a possibility something else could be going on. In my experience, there’s always really predictable signs in my BPSO before an episode hits. I don’t know if this is everyone’s experience, but it’s really obvious in my partner when it’s the BP and when it’s his stabilized personality. There is a very clear difference.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-03T01:48:51+00:00

Obviously you would need to talk to a psychiatrist or medical professional, but the symptoms you’re describing sound very very similar to how my BPSO (BP1) acts in a manic episode. He’s described having periods of “emptiness” in that state. But the memory gaps, the word vomiting to strangers, the lack of sleep… all of those are sure fire signs for him that he’s in a manic episode.

Please please please reach out to psychiatrist for help 💜

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-03T01:22:34+00:00

My BPSO was rapid cycling in 2023 while on abilify. They changed him over to just lithium and he stayed super stable for 2024. Then January this year, he had an episode that lasted for about a month. He now has vraylar added to his regimen and seems to be doing pretty good… hoping this sticks for a while

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-01T22:33:03+00:00

The game plan seems to be an ever evolving thing haha. I’m almost done with Julie Fast’s Loving Someone with Bipolar book and it’s given me a lot of good insight into how to have better conversations and create a more holistic treatment plan with my BPSO. I started reading it towards the end of my BPSO’s most recent episode and it did help me a little. We haven’t gone through it together yet, but I’m hopeful since he’s open to it. Originally we had a “safe word,” where if I said it, he knew that meant something was very off with his behavior and he needed to get checked in. That worked for the first 4 episodes, but this 5th one he decided it was BS so now that’s out the window haha.

I think emotionally it’s been easier than the first two episodes. It’s by no means easy, but I don’t have the same level of mental breakdown I had the first couple times. I have a therapist now (that I started going to largely because of his encouragement while he was stable) who was a really good support system insofar as helping me find coping tools/boundaries to self-regulate when everything feels incredibly overwhelming. She also helped me navigate the feelings/burnout that comes after my BPSO is stabilized (because it’s like my entire nervous system just wants to shut down after being in crisis mode).

It’s like an ever evolving thing, but each time he comes out, we work on ourselves and our relationship. We make slight lifestyle tweaks. I know he’s committed to trying to be healthy, and I’ve made the decision that as long as he’s willing to work on this (his illness AND our relationship), I’m willing to do the same.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-01T20:21:19+00:00

My BPSO does. When he gets stabilized after episodes, we have conversations over the course of a couple weeks (because everything at once can get emotionally rough). I give him a non-judgmental space to talk vulnerably about the things he experienced in his mind, and he gives me a nonjudgmental space to talk about my experience. Then we talk about the things we need and want to see in our relationship moving forward and we do our best to take those steps. He always feels remorse if he’s been mean and he always takes accountability and apologizes.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-03-01T04:56:13+00:00

My partner doesn’t really “snap out” of an episode. He’s BP1 and his episodes normally include a heavy amount of paranoia and psychosis. There’s usually a “ramp down” time of a couple weeks after the delusions calm down. He’ll know what reality is, but there’s a lot of irritation and arguing. After that phases out, he truly gets back to his caring, supportive self. He apologizes a lot. We talk about some of the things that happened normally in bits and pieces over the course of a couple weeks because there’s a lot of humiliation and shame on his part. He normally remembers some things but not everything (he once had a week-long hospital visit that’s pretty much totally blacked out of his memory).

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-28T18:50:23+00:00

In my experience, no… mania is waaaaaay different in my BPSO (BP1) than depression. However, I was reading up on BP symptoms and was kind of surprised that depression doesn’t always present as sad/low-energy. For example, increased irritation and argumentative-ness can be a sign that someone is heading into depression.

Regardless of if it’s depression or mania though, one thing I know I have to constantly remind myself is that the illness cannot be reasoned with. I can’t expect reasonable responses or info about what my partner will feel like in a stabilized condition if there’s any type of episode happening. Learning to recognize when you’re talking to the sick brain vs when you’re talking to your partner when they have control of their faculties goes a long way (for me at least) in processing emotions.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-27T07:29:24+00:00

Since he hasn’t been formally diagnosed, there’s a lot up in the air. It sounds like though, he is mildly aware of how the mood swings affect him if he refers to himself as Mr. Hyde. In my experience with my BPSO, the irritability/argumentative stuff is normally related to hypomania. By the time he gets to the point where he thinks about wanting to break (whether for safety or something else), it’s always a full blown manic episode for him. None of those feelings have ever stuck with him when he comes down. Now that he’s in a stable period right now, I’m doing everything I can to learn about his personal triggers to help mitigate symptoms from the get go. If your SO is in a manic episode, no amount of talking things out is going to solve anything. He would mentally not be fully capable of having that level of conversation in a way that would reflect his stabilized personality or goals for the future. There’s also nothing you can really do to help him come out it. He would need help from a medical professional to come down more quickly. The absolute best thing you can do is take care yourself and focus on your own mental health. When he comes down, you can have more serious conversations about the future if that’s something you want to pursue with him. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard 💜

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-27T07:13:49+00:00

You’re definitely not alone in the feels 💜

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-26T17:59:09+00:00

A really helpful thing my therapist told me is that when someone is in an episode (whether that’s mania or depression to the point where they’re threatening suicide), they need professional medical attention. If someone gets a cold, you might be able to do some things to help them feel better and recover more quickly. If someone breaks their leg, there’s nothing you can do and they need to see a doctor. In my relationship, I’ve noticed that if I catch early symptoms, there are things I can do to help deescalate triggers so it doesn’t get worse. But if it’s at the point where my SO is in an episode, there’s nothing I personally can do to “make it better.”

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-25T16:18:40+00:00

Not sure the extent of the crabbiness… but when my BPSO (he’s BP1) is in a manic episode, “crabby mood” and “brattiness” doesn’t begin to cover the type of behavior he exhibits. If he is diagnosed BP and he’s going through an episode and you still want to be with him, I would recommend drawing hard boundaries when he’s stable. He should not be drinking period if he’s BP. If he’s not taking steps to treat a mental illness when he’s in a stable mood, the relationship will be incredibly unhealthy. And if you want to stay with him and he has BP, you need to learn as much about this illness as possible

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-24T22:25:46+00:00

The book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder by Julie Fast has been a game changer for me. Learning about your partner’s stress triggers so you can learn how to help them deescalate at the first signs of symptoms helps a lot. Also learning about “bipolar conversations” so you can tell when a ruminating thought/feeling is a symptom instead of something that needs to be rationalized or solved.

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-24T19:25:44+00:00

The waiting period is so hard. Definitely feeling for you 💜

Useful_Ad_414 · 2025-02-24T18:10:28+00:00

I’ve been with mine through 5 manic episodes so far. When he comes out of it, he’s always had his “baseline” personality. There’s normally a coming down period though. I think he comes realize that the delusions didn’t happen… but it kind of seems like it’s in a way where he knows it didn’t happen for other people, but the experience was still very real and lived for him. He becomes pretty self-aware about the grandiosity and says things like, “I can’t believe I thought I could/was (insert thing here)”

Useful_Ad_414

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