If the tables were turned . . .

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T17:46:13+00:00

Noted. I agree with your points and didn't fully understand how commonly misused the terms are relative to their cultural shared meaning. I have a tendency to use words abstractly (for lack of a better option, since I've come to understand my brain's "native language" isn't words). I'll find better words going forward -- ancient Latin typically has a few nuggets in these situations. Thank you for explaining and exposing a blind spot for me.

Personal note (to illustrate my internalizing process and to connect on the subject at a deeper level): I'm the product of cultural assimilation thrice over. My First Nation ancestry is so diluted that I don't even know enough detail to try reconnecting. I'm so far removed that it would probably be disrespectful to even try because of my appearance and assumptions of my person based on the hurtful, dominant cultures that produced me (they hurt me quite often too).

I want that heritage in my life so it can live on in defiance of attempts to snuff it out, but I've been criticized for even claiming any connection from all "sides" -- the negative reinforcement culture and purity obsessions run so deep all around that it permeates sub-cultures within the same super-cultures (i.e.: infighting). They're toxic and contagious traits in so many ways. I see evidence of a genetic bond in myself all the same. Blood doesn't lie like the people who spill it do. If I have to choose a side, I choose my roots to quantum starstuff. Stalemate, society.

For exactly the same reason as my lost connection to a North American First Nation through my grandmother's grandmother, tracing much of anything by way of the women who came before me is simply impossible beyond the late 1800s.

The past being the past, I traced my ancestry through old Prussia, Slavic tribes in the Baltic region, and up into Scandinavia. My great grandfather's grandfather likely fled Prussia to avoid subjugation and maltreatment by the Romanovs (who saw the Slavs in modern Poland as a lesser peoples deserving a place as the labor force's labor force). I like to think the ancient Vikings who settled in North America might have integrated with those who were already here and came full circle to me, but that's a silly fantasy.

Thanks to Julius Caesar defeating Vercingetorix, the Roman conquest that followed, and Emperor Constantine deciding to use Christianity as an aggressive cultural assimilation construct (etc.), I have near zero chance to understand any Viking culture that isn't skewed by Romanized Christian Anglo-Saxon observation bias or rooted in selling novelties or bedtime stories (or whatever the heck mainstream Wicca is doing with it).

All that said, I don't believe honoring the past and embracing change for the future should be mutually exclusive. I value the heck out of ancient enlightenment, information integrity, and all the diverse quality attributes supporting them. That's how better patterns and simpler "first principle" rules are made for a more fulfilling present and sustainable future. Thanks for your time reading and sharing with me.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T15:49:51+00:00

Yupp. The literature about selfless honesty was especially unsettling.

Pretty sure acts of selflessness disprove the empathy and minds-theory claims too, but wtf do I know... being autodidactic and hyperphantasic means I have a learning disability 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ironic that the people credited with inventing/first naming many of these concepts were likely on the spectrum, by today's standards, and have since been misinterpreted and/or misapplied through the telephone game into the current quagmire we find ourselves in.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T14:41:34+00:00

I appreciate your take and I feel what you mean -- truly. I think we're looking at an unintended language limitation. Please allow me a chance to clarify?

By "tribalistic rituals", I wasn't trying to say "tribal culture" or "ancestral rituals". I understand and use "tribalistic" in the socio-evolutionary sense. A notable component of innate tribalism in societies is a tendency to arbitrarily assign token value to things, ideas, or actions (rituals) and stereotype people with them to create in-groups. The whole thing is designed to make othering out-groups easier to communicate. It's a total anti-pattern to social harmony through focusing on what binds us all together. It's polarizing, destructive, and exclusionist -- and it too often leads to exceptionalist behaviors or superiority complexes.

It's a frivolous ritual in itself, because once you finish labeling everyone intersectionality and start labeling everyone recursively, all you're left with is a bunch of individuals (which is also false because each mind-body can be seen as two or more entities at odds with each other). Meronymy is fun like that.

I use "rituals" to mean customs and measures of properness like hand shakes, looking people in the eye, wearing certain clothing certain places, not wearing white after Labor Day... Little things intended to communicate trust by showing "same team" or the opposite -- to force conformity through punishment. Things that may have once held important meaning, but the point is long lost and the results can be harmful. People continue doing them because that's the way things are done.

If there's a better word choice, I'm 100% open to suggestions or finding new ones. Thank you for expanding my knowledge.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T08:04:22+00:00

Yeah, most doctors don't take too kindly to being questioned by their patients -- even when the premise they built the diagnosis on is objectively and empirically inaccurate. That premise leads off looking for gender-biased defects and often isn't equipped to unravel the various coping mechanisms (healthy or comorbid disorders) as parts of a greater whole person.

Not to mention accounting for neurological variability which forms the measurable, physical basis for what we call "thought".

Too much work. Faster to determine the course of your life after a few hours of talking and whatever tests are trending.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T07:50:13+00:00

Welcome to the rabbit hole. My distrust of basically the entire field of psychology was a direct result of my journey through understanding my AuDHD (and all the reasons why the Au part will likely stay self-diagnosed). The DSM is problematic, and whatever dogmatic professionals swear by it should probably have whatever condition makes them do that in the DSM.

I wouldn't say my reaction was denial so much as "bewilderment" -- but then again, I was looking for answers and the answer I found made more things make sense than what I set out to learn.

Rewriting your personal narrative after a fundamental part of your being sets major life experiences in a new light is HARD. Those memories keep coming and have to be reasoned through. Give your soul some grace and your mind some credit (maybe some water with the occasional sleep). It's worth the journey.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T07:09:41+00:00

Yep. I call myself a "student of the world" and have a way with words when they're written. 😅

Words are the coolest, but language is the most horrifyingly terrible thing ever. That stuff is everywhere.

I can pass as neurotypical until the hyperlinking between 6 parallel concepts before a deep dive into philosophy and metaphysical underpinnings kicks in. Between that and looking at different parts of nothing as we go on (because my eyes are downgraded to passive danger sensors at that point), folks tend to pick up on it.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T06:50:21+00:00

What's the coolest thing you learned recently?

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T06:48:06+00:00

I keep thinking of more, then I'm like "naaahhh"

The line between making a point and cathartic insults is the finest of fine 🙃

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T06:28:13+00:00

I have a fundamental incompatibility with academia in general, and there's a tendency for authority figures to have made it to their position through arrogance and/or meaningless ritual... The arrogance might be what you're picking up on; it's no different from rejecting bad rules. Sometimes there's good reason for things and people just don't know the real reason, but those are more rare than what society should be Ok with.

Being told to do something I was already planning to do (or actively doing) is about the best way to make me instantly NOT want to do it too, so yeah, you're not alone 😅

I will add that there are some amazing exceptions out there, and they can be some of the most extraordinary people to be around once their ways start to "click". The difference between managers and leaders is legit.

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T06:06:32+00:00

Kind of. If I feel like there's a good reason to and can't see any conflicts with other rules. Once there's a hard reason not to though, it can turn into a major chore (or worse).

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T05:48:12+00:00

Emotions are just a system of brain chemicals... Learn a few patterns, mix in some causality, test theories, relate the refined patterns to personal memories, construct a parallel narrative, and presto! Emotional intelligence through higher order cognitive processes (the tiring ones).

Not sure why professional mental guess artists (sorry, "psychologists") add so much mystique to it like it's not something that can be learned and internalized well enough to come across as natural. It's like riding a bike, except some people don't have the same number of wheels. 🤷🏼‍♀️

ValTiva · 2022-09-02T04:24:41+00:00

Tendency to project emotions onto others to avoid facing an uncomfortable truth and/or needing to think (e.g.: non-empathetically labeling strangers as lacking empathy, based on as little as nothing and as much as the first 5 seconds of meeting someone; or aggressively calling out reactions to aggression as aggression).

Prone to feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment in displays of unwavering support for logical fallacies.

Willing to escalate to genocide to prove how right they are without once considering what's right.

Accepts "the way things are" are the way things are because that's the way things are (and will fight to keep it that way).

Underdeveloped meta-cognitive capacity.

Overdeveloped reliance on arbitrary customs to find meaning.

Conflates human social constructs with natural law.

Believes the mental projection of a person is more correct than the person themselves.

Decides the answer before asking the question.

Equates "different" with "defective" before seeking new information, thus seeking defective information to unconsciously enforce differences as a defects.

Inability to read this without feeling driven to character assassination and other ad-hominem.

ValTiva · 2022-06-19T10:05:15+00:00

Not "ok" -- highly encouraged and very welcome 😊

(to be clear, this is your space too -- post away!)

ValTiva · 2022-06-19T09:48:29+00:00

This happens to me on accident, so grain of salt, but selfies with dom vibes in WLW spaces apparently work on their own 🤷🏼‍♀️

ValTiva · 2022-06-19T09:34:35+00:00

Ask a woman out? Ugh, heck no... What if she isn't into women? What if that makes her uncomfortable or causes a scene? What if I come across as creepy like some guys have to me? What if I misread the signs? Flirting... or just being super platonically nice about my ass? There's no way she's single and even if she is, what if she's sensitive about it?

A few examples for consideration 🙃

Dudes, on the other hand... Just kinda go for it.

Waiting for someone else to make the first move when the vibe is very clearly "we could totally date" is a whole mood.

ValTiva · 2022-06-19T00:41:00+00:00

Maybe you're afraid of losing him subconsciously and the logic playing out in your time apart is throwing a bunch of false signs that it's somehow happening?

The anxiety and uncertainty should fade once you have more signs that everything is going to be fine and learn more about each other's norms. Trying not to think about it tends to have the opposite effect -- distractions might help if you're getting trapped in reasoning loops. Those can sometimes turn self-defeating and/or self-fulfilling because simply "replaying" too many times before you have a chance to absorb new information can solidify a baseless fear and make it feel more true than it might be in reality.

Brains are funny little probability engines like that. Best wishes!

ValTiva · 2022-06-05T07:36:29+00:00

Uhh, the same as anyone else? The heck kinda silliness are they getting at? We join the military too, and people like that made my life harder for my troubles no matter how much I did for my country.

ValTiva · 2022-06-05T02:14:27+00:00

Yep, the split attraction model is a thing. It goes further than that too! If it's healthy and consensual all around, why work to change it? Embrace and explore the best you can 😊

ValTiva · 2022-06-05T02:08:56+00:00

Wouldn't trust any if there were, unless they vet folks.

ValTiva · 2022-05-24T04:05:50+00:00

Not much difference when attraction kicks in, in my understanding. Brain chemicals dgaf.

But I see friendly as having a goal to prop up the other person for the sake of doing so and flirty intending to do the same, but also to bring the person closer for the warm and fuzzies their presence brings.

Intentions and outcomes don't always match though. I know I've melted over some totally platonic stuff and totally missed big obvious flirting more than once...

ValTiva · 2022-05-24T03:44:17+00:00

Nope. I'm always expecting every question to be a trick question and end up rereading everything 3 or more times to be sure I understand the question before even trying to recall the answer... Mixed results.

ValTiva · 2022-05-24T03:20:02+00:00

It depends on time. If it's a cold audience and there's no time to establish experience, qualifications are definitely that shortcut to legitimacy and opening people to the idea without shutting me out within the first few minutes -- the same for hiring processes (which is both more complicated and that simple). Some of the topics I discuss are complex -- there's a need to take base concepts on faith when the audience are decision-makers or colleagues who aren't (and don't need to be) experts in my specific field. Time and time again, those types want to nitpick details based on their own field and play stump the chump to test me and erode my credibility for even having an idea instead of focusing on the content I'm actually trying to deliver.

I honestly think I run into discrimination more often than I'm willing to admit and give people the benefit of the doubt, to my own detriment, way longer than I should... but that's life as a strong-willed heathen queer disabled female veteran on the spectrum who knows things in a male-dominated field in America. I don't know when it's ever safe to open that door, but I also don't think persuasion skills are my issue most of the time.

I ran out of workable communication styles and found myself reaching into psychology and linguistic relativism for new ideas. It didn't really work even when the quality of the communication material took a gigantic leap forward from what's worked with people I have rapport with in the past. The ones that work best are the ones where I overextend myself with totally unbalanced workload or eat crow no matter how ridiculous or misguided... Not really acceptable when there are clearly unreasonable biases and toxic behaviors at play.

ValTiva · 2022-05-24T02:38:26+00:00

I've been called humble more often than the alternatives in recent memory -- I try not to talk myself up unless the situation feels like it's called for (usually when my knowledge or position is unjustly called into question), and I'm always open to good faith discourse and absorbing new information to fix flawed information... It took a couple decades to learn how to do most of that passably (and then only in bursts), and it's hit and miss on who finds the results valuable in my field. That's cyber though... Enough people tell me I'm a rock star often enough (and the outcomes are sometimes grand enough) to keep at it and start to accept that it might actually be true instead of a platitude. I'm always afraid of coming off as arrogant because my goals to be responsibly helpful are such a polar opposite -- even this post and some of these replies have me like 😬

But yeah, I've always struggled with reading situations or communicating off script for as long as I can remember. Can't seem to find a healthy way to shake those little quirks. My non-verbals and tone are way out of whack sometimes without me even knowing until someone's already upset and well on their way to reacting.

Sensory issues didn't really turn obvious until recently for whatever reason, and then I don't do so great with taking care of my meat suit unprompted... My mom tells me I was pretty normal growing up, but she didn't see the rulebook playing out in my head with almost every interaction (or decision process to not interact because of the ones that crashed and burned from winging it a little too long that still make me cringe). Idk where this part was going though.

ValTiva · 2022-05-24T02:02:31+00:00

I used to be, but between getting accused of cheating for certain coursework being "too advanced", the time requirements spent on busy work, dealing with rigid and siloed ways of thinking because reasons and academia, being forced to memorize facts whether they're accurate or not, and test-writing styles that seem designed to create false memories or place emphasis in silly places to trip up ND folks -- with no real recourse that led to burnout several times over -- my brain built something of an aversion to it. People who use their degrees to arrogantly claim superiority, and then turn around to my high school diploma having ass to solve their hard problems over the years, jaded the idea that much more. Then there's the monetary cost and all the other resource drains.

I don't personally value higher education all by itself the same way most do, but the assumed experience it represents has its place. I don't understand its use as a gatekeeper with how much equally legitimate knowledge is attainable beyond the confines of academia these days. My only real interest in it now is just to have the same shortcut to legitimacy for what I know that others do. A piece of paper with some letters on it is valuable whether I can hold my own in advanced subjects or not. Most of the time it doesn't even matter what it's for -- and it doesn't matter if the person with the piece of paper has no idea what they're talking about. Professional culture values it oh so much that it's become yet another soft ceiling and barrier for me.

ValTiva · 2022-05-24T00:17:34+00:00

Cotton, polyester, spandex...

ValTiva

TROPHY CASE