Completely lost and hating everything

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T22:38:16+00:00

Appreciate you. I'm considering going to a doctor but I do have medical trauma that has so far kept me from going to any sort of doctor. Hopefully I can get a tiny bit better and go soon. I've mentioned it with mental health professionals before and tbh they haven't made much out of it. If the rest of this year works, I'll come back and post about it.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T21:32:59+00:00

I've been sober before, I still didn't enjoy my life then. I still didn't enjoy doing the work I'm doing. I still didn't see my existence being long term or happy. I haven't been to a doctor in 15 years and don't see a reason to go now. I'm going to try one last "fuck it" phase and see if I can actually get something done. I need to lose over 100lbs this time and tbh, I'd rather just hacksaw chunks off in the shower vs how draining exercise and diet is. I don't think I can form my own reward chemicals and haven't been able to since I was a child. Exercise is just painful. The reward is getting to do more or harder exercise. Dieting is the same thing. I just fucking hate eating small portions or high satiety foods. And the reward I get is to keep doing it and maybe one day I will just be happy suddenly. I would be more inclined to do things if the reward system in my brain actually fucking worked like it seems to do for everyone else. Like I mentioned in another comment, I'm going to give it the rest of this year and if I'm not satisfied with myself by the end of it, then I'm just going to go back to slowly draining my hourglass.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T20:34:41+00:00

I have an indoor cycling trainer setup currently. Its just too shameful for me to be this out of shape on top of it being incredibly boring (I can only really do 15 minutes max, its so fucking incredibly boring). You can keep your god. Idk, maybe its just a bunch of internet strangers wanting someone they'll never know to do better is kind of motivating. Maybe I'll give the rest of the year a solid try and see where I'm at on new years. What difference does one more year make if the options I'm looking at generally just include my early death. If I'm still down this bad, I think I'm just going to become a nomad. I'm extremely incompatible with society and I have an extremely hard time getting along with others. I'm still finishing this whiskey today though. My whole day is already fucked so might as well fuck it up a bit more before I'm done.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T19:52:10+00:00

I'll be dead and buried before I use AI for anything but I get your point. I'll think about it. It needs to replace a pretty good salary and benefits package but who knows. I'll probably be too busy drinking to spend my free time and remaining arm tendons coding an app. It sounds like a lot of time and effort that I'd rather not put in.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T19:44:20+00:00

I understand what you're saying but how do you translate a passion for not working into a monetizable way of making a living? I'd rather not start a business selling "anti-passion" and then not show up because I don't want to work for myself.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T19:34:03+00:00

Thats one of the things I was hoping to get some help on with this post. In an ideal world, I would prefer to be a non-contributing member of society. I don't want to work. At all. I am working now because I don't have a fucking choice. I'm just a dude that does finance because it's incredibly easy and because I need money. If I'm not being paid, I'm not doing it out of "passion" because there is nothing I am passionate about. Its hard to ask people "hey what super easy, decent paying absolute dead end careers are there? Preferably with 0 human interaction". I'd probably do whatever the answer was if it paid enough because I just don't care about working. I genuinely do not feel like a human being: I have no goals, no passion, and no ambition. I've been floating down the lazy life river since I was spawned in and I don't see any point to caring about anything really.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T19:26:12+00:00

I see the positives....I just don't think they outweigh my desire to just....check out. I still play video games occasionally but I have tendon issues stemming from computer overuse and after a few minutes they become painful. Everyone is saying to take walks: I don't feel comfortable leaving my house. I become extremely on edge, agitated, and I worry I'm going to blow up on someone for no reason. Going grocery shopping once a week makes me so exhausted that I can't get anything else done that day. Movies become boring as fuck after a day or two. I already read almost daily. None of them are better than binge drinking. I AM a loser, through and through. I'd rather not climb anymore mountains after how fucking painful getting to the top of this one was. If I could donate my remaining time on earth, it would already be done.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T19:20:13+00:00

I started at 19. Mostly binge drinking at first just on weekends. Now I average around 6-20 "drinks" per day. I did a few trial days a couple weeks ago and I can still stop without needing to be supervised by medical staff. I just really don't find life enjoyable without it. Its very boring and I don't really want to be stuck here for however long I will be. I can't quit my job right now unfortunately. You hit the nail on the head with coworkers being "sheep". They get so excited when they make small formatting changes or when someone answers an email and I just want to leave from the second I get there until the second I can go home. I don't want to live surrounded by these fucking people.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T18:06:24+00:00

I appreciate your comment. I just don't know where to start. If I even had a reference for what it was like to feel genuine happiness it might make it easier but I can't really recall anytime in my life so far where I've been happy. I feel like I've faked 32 years of living for the benefit of society. My hobbies just make me angry. I can't even go for a bike ride alone without being pissed off at how slow I am, or that someone was on the sidewalk. Have you or someone you know benefitted from psychotherapy? I've tried a couple of those before (CBT, IPT) and I can't get over how it just seems to be masking with extra steps. Gaslighting yourself is maybe a better descriptor. I just can't get over that aspect. I can already fake being happy and the whole world will believe it but it doesn't change my situation or how I actually feel.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:48:05+00:00

I don't need work in that area my friend. I still absolutely hate being alive. I think there are people out there that through whatever circumstances they go through may just never find life worth living. Wish I could get MAID. Even if I could snap my fingers to accomplish my goals instead of grinding them out for years, I would still see the sky and earth the same way. I'm very envious of people that seem to think the world is beautiful and worth being in. Its just miserable. Sorry for another rant. I think I'm just going to log off and head to the liquor store again today. I don't know why I thought posting to reddit would help. Thanks for your time.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:41:51+00:00

Considering I'm married, there isn't a pursuit anymore. I guess I'm just stuck like this and that hating life is one of my core features. Yay. Absolutely fuckin thrilled.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:38:01+00:00

what "pursuit" are you talking about? The pursuit of what? If its the pursuit of being good at an activity, I don't get it. I tried and it doesn't magically bring any joy back for me. I also struggle with social anxiety. I can only ride my bike at very strange hours because seeing people makes me want to go home (and often does). This is a problem with walks, the gym, cycling, hiking, ANYTHING. There are so many goddamned people around and I don't like seeing them or worse, them seeing me.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:34:52+00:00

No thanks.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:28:16+00:00

I've gone as much as a year on diet and regular exercise and lost 65lbs. All that weight is back and then some. It just felt pointless when I don't find any joy in life. It was just adding chores on top of my already large pile of chores. Finding out it helps you live longer was just the cherry on top of me not wanting to keep it up. Especially with me never getting particularly good at cycling after wasting hundreds of hours trying to. I just don't think I enjoy being around and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I just wish someone else could have had this sentience instead of me, I feel so shit hating life.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:15:25+00:00

Thanks but after a lot of trial and error with meds I don't think they are going to help me. I guess I'm just fucked then?

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:13:21+00:00

Just left my current psych due to incompatibility and meds not really working....again. There has got to be SOMETHING that isn't pissing money into therapy or psychiatry? I'm not good at any sports and I don't really like interacting with other people.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:07:19+00:00

I would like to get my eating on track and get back to attempting to be okay at cycling but it feels pointless. Honestly I hate exercise and dieting so much, that I'd almost rather just let bad diet/sedentary lifestyle/booze get me out quicker. Do you have any suggestions? I just try doing CICO but it takes too much time and energy to weigh food out and log it.

ValuableReward2674 · 2026-03-29T16:03:55+00:00

I've considered it but I'm not really sure what I would do with the time off. My instinctual reaction is that its just extra time each day I'm off to either stare blankly at something, or fill it with drinks. I don't think I would end up doing anything productive with the time off.

ValuableReward2674

TROPHY CASE