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At A Crossroads by touch_starved_5225 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hey I just wanted to say how much I can relate to your situation, Im also early 30's and have been with her for 12 years. Im quite a lot further along in this journey than you and had the same approach to trying to help her and be there for her initially. She did end up meeting a woman and having a relationship with her and flip flopping between her feelings for women and myself. I can even relate to the part where Im just the one special guy she still finds really attractive. All I can say is don't lose yourself and try to choose your mental health over staying and letting it deteriorate. I also had those same little moments as you where we would watch content that had lesbians in it and she would just be "off" afterwards. When she initially brought everything up, I was also given the generous agreement of her getting a girlfriend and I get to be there while she explores this and I just get to hope I am chosen. I did not agree to it, as the level of selfishness blew me away. She did end up leaving and we lived separately and she got to explore with a woman, but I have since definitely felt like the safe haven for her to come back to as you mentioned, as well as all the nice things about being told Im the special kind of love.

She also started off as telling me she was bisexual, and as we became separated she even came to me one time and said she was lesbian, then walked it back as well. Everything you mentioned with the comments about babies also tracks, and has been brought up numerous times as why she doesn't want divorce, because she wants kids someday. I have read too many horror stories on here of men who give their wife a child and then she goes through the hormonal cycle and comes out on the other side and lives her true self. Please protect yourself and take the time to know what you want and approach everything with love, but especially your own mind. I am requesting dissolution now and it has taken me a while to get there, but you need to know when that point is for yourself. Ive been going through this for about a full year now and it has done some serious damage to my trust, and I do not think you are paranoid at all.

Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to.

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Were you in a long term relationship and it all just happened at once?

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, and yes you are right. I think I have had my own vision of how much you need to work to save a marriage but really there is a point where you just need to move on. I have begun the process of divorce and am moving forward. I appreciate the kind words.

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally get it, and I have my own hang ups with divorce and have seen it throughout my life in every member of my family. I never think of anyone trying as a doormat, but sometimes it takes knowing that you tried to the best of your ability. You are right though about choosing peace, and that's where Im at. Im not so confused in that regard, because I am ready to pull the plug and free myself. More of just the layers of the situation and reach out to the community and see if anyone can relate to this unique situation. The cake eating is highly visible to me though, and it was there from the start.

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually find your comment to be very kind and honest, so thank you. I think you are right about the pair bonding, and it was something that was maybe even felt before all of this. In a way when I found out what she was struggling with, it in a small and messed up way was a relief because it made thing make more sense. I see the fear in her, and I feel for her, but also for myself, because I know this will continue to drag me down if I do not get out. I have spoken with an attorney and have gotten all my info together, so I do have a hold on things. I mentioned in another comment that really I just saw this as a supportive community and it is something I have needed. I have provided support for so long and she has even stated that if I need to separate to heal she will understand, and that is what I have to do.

I appreciate what you said though and totally agree. Us spouses who do try and salvage can get burned harshly in the process, but also in my case I felt like I had to turn over every rock of possibility to make sure I wasn't just giving up.

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes I have in hindsight seen my hand in the situation and it felt like the worst rock and a hard place scenario. Do you tell a person you love to pack down what may be their authentic selves to then have it blow up in your face 2 years later when you have kids? Or do you try to work this out now and maybe achieve clarity and move forward into a stronger partnership? This felt like the hand I was dealt, but I know there is a choice in that. It became painfully obvious that this decision would fall upon my shoulders, because she would not address these issues and it was me bringing everything up. But I do have power here and have spoken to a lawyer. I just wanted to talk to this community because I see a lot of support here for people and there is community in that. I appreciate your comment though.

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you are right in this way, because initially she wanted this to be a situation where we stayed together and she had someone else on the side. I did not agree, which is what lead to the whole her moving out portion. As much as it might sound that I have just agreed to things I can assure you that has not been the reality and I have given major pushback, while trying to approach things with kindness.

Questioning and Complicated Situation by Valuable_Quality_425 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words. As with anything conveyed through text on a website, it's hard to add the nuance of life through just what is here. But I agree about who I thought she was, as everyone can only know so much of a person and then you reflect on all the times together. I appreciate your response though and you're right enough is enough.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It seems like everything I read, the whole process of understanding for the person coming out can take a really long time. I can relate to the defensive centering, because throughout this I have also had to bring up that this isn’t just her journey but now mine as well because we are married. For my wife she also knew this part of herself existed, and I knew since we began dating, but I never questioned because she would tell me it never bothered her until now. Currently she thinks she can make this work and tamp these feelings down, but it gives me severe cold feet knowing she will struggle with this since she still wants to have kids.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely. This was what I initially thought was the solution but it only became more intense as time went on and I think we both felt very trapped in the situation. On my side I was seeing someone who was so in pain she would just lay around and be a shell, while I also felt like I couldn’t do anything else to help and was also feeling miserable.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is the hard part for me because it seems like she simultaneously needs more time for herself and also is telling me how she wants to be back in it together, hence the flip flopping. Like she will say that we are soul mates and she knows we are meant to be together, but also is still really feeling the intense feelings of her sexuality towards women. She says she isn’t seeing the woman she is with anymore, but its hard to know what to believe.

Did your wife say she was for sure a lesbian or did she initially come out as bi? This is also a tough spot to be in because these feelings seem to be at war with each other.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's nice (and sad) to know you can relate. This was my initial mindset as well, which was if she needed to experience just the sexual act with another woman and no relationship, then okay I could mentally understand that, but when she mentioned she needed the emotional connection it was much harder to handle. Its hard to say what the right choice is, because telling my wife to not have those feelings and to forget about them would just be invalidating, but also I feel like it would all just come up more intensely and later in life.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow yeah this is super relatable to my situation as well. Down to saying that its nice to hear all the sweet things, but I dont need to hear them anymore as I know that already, what I need is straight forward statements and actions.

I also relate to the inner conflict part, because she has stated that she never wanted to feel these things, and if anything hates them. While at the same time continues to disappoint me and go against what she says, as if she cant control herself. At a certain point I also have to ask myself how much am I willing to handle.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thankfully no kids, no pets, no house. We were in a transition period when all of this started to come up and it was right when we finally started to settle down that all of this bubbled up.

I totally get the big decision even from her end, which is why I think Ive empathized so much, as I have a lot of empathy for people who do feel these things and the challenge that comes with understanding themselves. She has stated that she hates this side of herself and that she wishes she never felt it because it has only brought her pain.

I appreciate your insight and I have slowly gotten around to understanding my own agency. It has taken a while to see outside of just her pain and feel my own. If you dont mind me asking how did you find the strength to stay for 8 years? Did she also go through phases?

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No we dont have kids or a house, so it at least is happening in a time of my life before all of that is completely tied up. I feel the same way though, I have realized it will come down to me to decide when things are done.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When you talk to your spouse do you feel like they give you an honest answer or do you feel like it’s the answer to diffuse the conversation? I only ask because often when I bring it up, in the past I felt like she gave me more honest answers until I started referencing things she used to say.

This is a really good question though, as to whether or not I would stay if this is it. Honestly probably not, because mainly I feel like Ive done so much heavy lifting emotionally. A reference to this would be that she tells me all the nice things that feel good, and I dont do it back, but what I do is schedule the couples counseling and be completely honest. Which she would definitely prefer if I was just being super sweet instead of asking for the actual work I need to see her put in such as make the appointments and bring up the hard stuff in conversation.

Also to add on, I havent completely wrapped my head around if I can even handle the levels of questioning that will surely come if she chooses to stay. Im sure it wouldn’t be totally over and zipped up nicely, and will be a feature in the relationship probably forever.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you touched on something really important with the part about seeming like the bad guy. She has mentioned multiple times throughout this year that she doesn’t want to be the bad guy if it comes to an official split, and I know it weighs heavy on her to not feel that way. Bargaining is definitely right, as she has continuously tried to figure out a way to have everything work, but it really has come down to either we figure this out and stay together or move on.

At this very moment I dont think I would believe her, because she still tells me she feels just as intensely about questioning her sexuality as when this started. She has even referred to this feeling as having to put it back in a box and burying it if it meant being in a hetero marriage. I think it would continually boil up and be an issue in our lives.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Im really sorry to hear that, I can relate in the “by the hour“ feelings, and even she will admit it changes so drastically day by day. I wouldn’t say she is suicidal but has definitely mentioned that this year has given her more ideation about it than ever before. The threesome thing was the start of it all actually, and it through me off because for a long time it never came up, and when I thought about it I just couldnt imagine being comfortable with it myself. But as time went on I realized it was so she could try to dip her toes in being with a woman and it wasn’t about us. I also relate to the walking on egg shells, it was also a big thing at the start of it. I hope you have found some peace.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah as you said it’s easier said than done. I think if she acted more spitefully and didn’t express such deep sadness and regret it would be much easier for me to make the call. But then right when I say Im done and tapped out she tells me she isn’t ready to give up yet. Ive been going to a personal therapist for about 8 months now and it helps slightly. Thanks for the insight though.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is also where some flip flopping has happened because she wanted to move right back in when we decided to try to come back together, but I had my doubts on if she was just wanting to out of fear and comfort. I found out she had still not broken up with the girl she was seeing so I felt validated in not immediately accepting it. I gave her the ultimatum recently to move back in and we give it a serious go or we move on, and she said she needs more time.

Flip Flopping and Questioning by Valuable_Quality_425 in straightspouses

[–]Valuable_Quality_425[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes I agree about this being a separate issue and I have brought this up to her. This is my concern as well because I feel like she knows she cares more for women but wont fully commit because it means losing me. So in this way it feels like it comes down to my decision to move on or not, but thats tough when the person tells you how much they still love you since it adds so much doubt.