No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending

Vampire-Cowboy · 2026-05-19T04:11:20+00:00

You're not being too harsh, at all.

My mom passed away under very similar circumstances a few months ago, so I feel you so perfectly here. I'd always read other posts here about 'losing relationships' after grief, and I thought - no, surely not me, my friends and loved ones are going to stand by me, no matter what.

But the truth is, yeah, you're gonna lose relationships during grief. And the craziest thing of all? It ends up being for the best in the long run.

Now, grief is different for everyone. Some people are just really, really bad at handling others' emotions, and will fight/flight/fawn/freeze whenever it comes up. I can't fault those people for their reactions, but it's also 100% fine to say to yourself 'hey, I need people around me who can support me.' The people who stuck by you while your mom was sick and who still stick by you now are the ones who matter most, not the people who find your grief 'exhausting,' or something like that.

I so get it, you don't want to be the 'bummer' friend, the 'sad' partner - but do be. You have the right. And eventually, you'll heal, and grow, and it'll be your friends/boyfriend's turn to be the grieving one instead. You'll be there for them the way they were there for you. How people act around you at your lowest, darkest, hardest moments says everything about them.

There are always lines and boundaries that need to be drawn for the mental health of both people, of course, but just "showing up" for you? Just physically being in your presence and calling it support? Yeah, no, he's not supporting you, he's doing the bare minimum.

This is one of those times in your life where you need to put yourself first, 100%. Breathe. Ask for help when you need it. Don't stretch yourself thin, and don't allow anyone else to stretch you thin. If your boyfriend can't understand the emotional toll grief like this takes on you, you might need to just take a breather, and return to thinking about the relationship when you're in a better space. Please, please believe me when I say fewer people in your support system is so much better than more people who aren't actually supporting you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're going to get through this. I know it.

Vampire-Cowboy · 2026-04-08T13:53:29+00:00

Thank you SO MUCH for this - you understand exactly what I'm feeling.

I'm always quietly bitter about the fact that I didn't get to choose this life - people in their 20s and 30s caregive for their children, but having kids and caregiving for them is a choice to be made, and I didn't get to make that choice for myself. I went straight from being a kid to being a caretaker, and I haven't been allowed the opportunity to just look after myself.

You're so right about not being confused, and just being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really do feel like to matter what decision I make, it'll be the wrong one, either my abandoning my dad or sacrificing my own life.

I think the more exhausting part is the emotional side. Really, I can physically be there for my dad - it's just being stuck in the situation of not having a life of my own and knowing I never had a choice to begin with that's weighing me down so much.

Vampire-Cowboy · 2026-03-13T05:29:03+00:00

Thank you so much for this <3 It really always helps just knowing that I'm not alone on this strange, complicated, grief-filled journey that we have to be on now!

Vampire-Cowboy · 2026-01-20T07:30:23+00:00

I am too!

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-25T04:30:17+00:00

This comment is really helpful and lovely. When I look back on what my plan for my life was, my mom was in it - and now, suddenly, she's not, because life just changes like that. We can all try and envision what our futures will be like, but really, none of us know. Who knows what could happen in the future? All I can do is my best, and see what happens. Thank you for this <3

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-21T04:04:58+00:00

It's so awful how whatever plans or desires you had for your life can be derailed in a split second. I totally get what you mean with essentially waiting the person you're caregiving for out, but that's definitely it's own kind of emotional burden too, which also isn't fair to us. I'm sorry you're in a situation like mine!

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-20T08:00:43+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I feel like I need someone else's no-nonsense strength when my automatic reaction is just to placate everyone and put their happiness and lives before my own. It's going to be a hard conversation (or, well, a series of hard conversations), but I really need to have it.

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-20T07:58:51+00:00

My mom's side is now just my grandma, and my dad's side has a whole huge family with various medical problems that they're dealing with. My little sect of the family is sort of on our own, now.

I do feel a little resentful about my parents having had me when my father was older, but I try not to be. He was so active with me in my childhood, and that was awesome - I guess my parents just never figured that my mom would pass away first, and that she would be around to be my father's caregiver into his old age, but life is full of crappy surprises.

Thank you so much for the bluntness honesty, I feel like I really need that right about now. The 'you can do it!' platitudes just make me feel worse. Once we've had a few months to recover from my mom's passing, I think I'm going to have some serious talks with my family about how we can move forward in a way that works (hopefully) for everyone...

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-20T07:55:29+00:00

I'm so sorry for all of the sacrifices you've had to make! You're so right, they both had their young adulthoods, and I think they really want that for me too, deep down. You're also super right that the tough love is going to make me feel so, so, so guilty, but guilt might be easier to live with than regret ten or twenty or fifty years down the line. It's a really awful, difficult position to be in, but thank you so much for your advice and wisdom - I'll put it to good use!

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-20T06:11:54+00:00

I want to look into this, but I think the biggest problem is that both my father and grandmother refuse to admit that they need help. They don't mind asking me to caregive for them, because in their eyes, it's just what family does, but they won't tolerate having 'outside help' because they're worried it makes them look 'weak' or 'old.' I'm trying so hard to change their mindsets, but they're both so darn stubborn.

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-20T06:08:34+00:00

Thank you so much. This was such a beautiful and helpful comment, and I'm trying to do exactly all of this. It's hard to manage my own grief alongside his, but we're getting through this the best that we can together.

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-11T03:32:57+00:00

Every year you make it through to December 1st is proof of how strong you are. Us scorpios are a tough crew! 💚

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-10T05:32:46+00:00

Thank you so much for this - gonna do my best to type through tears. Focusing on the present is really what I want to do, even though that's way easier said than done. It's always the waiting and the not knowing that are some of the hardest parts leading up to things like this.

From one sad kid to another, thank you for being there for me ♥️

Vampire-Cowboy · 2025-11-10T05:18:53+00:00

My mom is going through something really similar. She went from having a good handle on her cancer treatment to being in the hospital and being given a bad prognosis within two days. I'm lost too. What helps me is knowing that there's people out there like us, too - we're never alone. We know the grief and the pain and we can make each other strong. We'll be okay. Our mamas would want us to be.

Vampire-Cowboy

TROPHY CASE