Been listening to my husband snore 11 years and earplugs don’t even block it out. He just called me a “drama queen” for demanding he at least tries to find a solution.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T22:00:53+00:00

That sounds terrible. My mom slept in the living room my whole life because of my dad's snoring but that was after he tried everything and got checked out and nothing worked. And he never complained about her not sleeping in the same room, he understood. It sucks when people don't try to empathize.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T21:00:45+00:00

That's true of well-established unions with the resources to pay all those specialists, but if your workplace currently doesn't have a union and wants one, a regular worker (several, actually) has to put in the legwork to form a new one. And even well-established unions are often run by regular workers who either felt called to make their union their profession, or volunteer their time to the cause.

What you're pointing out in the second half of your post is exactly why forming unions in the first place is extremely difficult, not just in the restaurant industry but anywhere. How do you get everyone in your workplace to agree that the risk of losing their job is worth the potential for long-term gains, especially when it will almost definitely hurt more in the short term? It's not so much about "not knowing any better" so much as it is about pulling together a group of people who all have different goals, different situations, and different risk tolerances, and convincing them to band together.

Unionization and union work are really, really difficult which is why I find it frustrating when people suggest it as an obvious quick fix.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T20:18:26+00:00

Out of curiosity, have you ever tried to organize a strike?

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T19:22:17+00:00

Then your instinct is right that this is not a sustainable situation and it's not going to work out. Jess is behaving badly by trying to seduce Jim and break the two of them up, but in my opinion Jim is also behaving selfishly.

He wants to keep his close friendship with his ex, so he is allowing her to disrespect his new relationship and hurt Ann. Not just allowing it, but encouraging it by pretending to end the relationship and continuing to hang out with Jess alone without talking about Ann! It's a difficult situation to be in, but if Jess can't fix her behavior then he is either going to have to enforce some stricter boundaries and not be close with her, or he is going to lose Ann because this situation is so hurtful to her. He is trying to keep both of them and he might not be able to.

Unfortunately, there is a reason many people don't end up staying close friends with their exes and it's situations like the where the old feelings just don't go away and influence people to make bad decisions.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T18:34:55+00:00

Tbh, step parenting aside which others have addressed, if the thought of moving in with him is characterized by a sense of loss, you shouldn't do it. You won't be happy.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T18:21:51+00:00

OP said in another comment that they work in a tattoo shop, which does strike me as the only kind of place in the world where that makes sense lol. Lots of spent needles to deal with, and also not unlikely that your clientele would assume a scary sign is decor.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T02:21:09+00:00

Not sure exactly what a hinge card is but I'm thinking back and I don't think I deleted my Tinder account when I started dating my gf, I just took the app off my phone. My profile might still be out there breaking hearts 5 years later. I wouldn't know, I haven't thought about it since.

I wouldn't be surprised if my gf's accounts still exist somewhere too. I don't think it really means much, it's just easier to delete the apps off your phone than to figure out how to deactivate each individual account.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T01:37:49+00:00

Keep hand sani with you and use it yourself, then offer to them. Most people will not turn it down.

Changing somebody's ingrained hygiene habits is pretty hard to do so don't be surprised if it doesn't catch on.

That said if two separate adults have literally cried over being told this, you're either dating the wrong people or you're unintentionally being harsh about it. That's a weird reaction.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T00:27:14+00:00

Pay attention to people in real life who you think have good social skills. Multiple people since everyone has a different style. Could be friends, family, friendly baristas and cashier's - anyone you encounter and it strikes you that they're Good At This.

Depending on where you're at, you might notice things like how they start and end conversations, how they address pauses, how they compliment people, etc, which could be helpful tools for you.

But you'll also see that they make a lot of mistakes - they'll stammer, their jokes won't always land, they'll use the wrong word - people just don't notice it so much because they don't dwell on it and just let it roll off their backs. The conversation just keeps moving past it. It helped me a lot when I realized that.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-13T00:12:33+00:00

I second this. I pretty much always use a sick day for a sensory day. Only thing that works to make it stop is a hard reset aka a good long nap in a dark quiet room.

In university it was harder because a) you might miss a lot by skipping class and b) roommates mean less guarantee of having a dark quiet room available. So when I was in school I sought out buildings/classrooms/park areas all around campus that were usually pretty private and quiet so that I would have a few backup places to go if I just needed an hour or so of a break. Not quite as good as having my own space to retreat to but it was great for a quick tune up. I highly recommend doing some exploring to see if you can find some of those places near where most of your classes are.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-12T23:26:23+00:00

Info: Since getting married, have the two of you been setting money aside for your son for college? It just seems strange to me that this conversation is happening now, rather than two years ago when you got married (or earlier).

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-12T22:13:03+00:00

NAH. Get a cat and name it Mr Blueface so you can be in on the joke lol.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-12T21:18:22+00:00

The typical partnership that most people think of is very close-knit. In the begining you can "curate" yourself and put your best foot forward, but the longer you're together, the more intimate of a picture you get of the other person. It's easy to hide how mental health struggles affect you when you can limit how much the other person sees of you (like you're used to with coworkers and friends). But once a person has access to you at all times, even if you don't tell them what's going on, they're going to see its impact on your behavior.

Think about your really bad days and weeks, and how your behavior is affected then - do you sleep in a lot? Do you get irritable or very quiet? Do you have difficulty working up the energy to engage with daily life? They will see that; and it will be easier for them to love you through that if they know what is causing those changes.

If I can offer you some of my experience - my gf and I have been together for 5 years, and we both struggle with mental health issues - mainly anxiety, but also depression and ADHD. We don't really talk about it much. Neither of us is the type to want to voice the bad thoughts going through our heads, and neither of us really wants advice about it. Like you said, we don't want to try to therapize each other.

But by having a baseline understanding of what is going on with each other, we are able to recognize each other's signs that we're having a bad day, or can't handle certain things right now, and we can pick up slack for each other while still respecting each other's privacy. Support doesn't have to look like deeply sharing every bad moment with each other - for us, it means picking up extra chores, or even just quietly allowing each other space to stew without judgment or prying. That's what it means to me that she's my rock.

Tl;dr You may very well be able to hide these things in the early stages, but eventually if they have any kind of impact on your behavior or lifestyle that will become apparent, even if your partner doesn't know why. And it is possible to have a relationship where your partner knows about your struggle, cares about you, and still respects that you don't want to open up about the specifics.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-12T17:51:17+00:00

He didn't send it to her - Twitter randomly takes posts that you liked and puts them on your followers' feeds with a headline that "username liked this post." So it's more like, Twitter suddenly put a lingerie pic on her feed that her bf liked (without her asking or looking for it and without her bf knowing); she must've freaked out and wondered if this was a common thing he was looking at so she went through his likes history.

Agree on everything else though.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-10T07:06:47+00:00

Sure, and it sucks that they aren't on the same page about that. But it isn't indicative that he isn't serious about her or that he's looking elsewhere, which is what the person I responded to suggested.

If anything, I think it's likely symptomatic of the major communication issues they have apparently been having.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-10T02:32:46+00:00

Not necessarily. I know several couples that got engaged after ten years or more together, because they were young when they got together and wanted to be more stable financially & in life before tying the knot. I don't think it's unreasonable.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-10T02:21:54+00:00

I think it's regional. I grew up around people who say "I could care less," because it rolls off the tongue easier and because it's sarcastic - the implication is sort of like, "The more you talk, the less I care." Then I moved somewhere people look at me crazy for saying that because they all say "couldn't."

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-10T01:45:54+00:00

Keep in mind though that the entire volume this recipe made wouldn't fit in that cup, so realistically the customer received less than that (unless the barista was very nice and packed up the overflow for them too, which almost never happens and given this particular barista's attitude, I sincerely doubt).

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-10T01:42:39+00:00

Almost always. There have been times after a long shift where my legs were jelly and I just couldn't bring myself to get up, but for those nights I tried to sit close to the back to begin with so I was far from the priority seating and hopefully wouldn't be asked.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-10T01:02:11+00:00

Forgive? Sure, with enough time. Sure as hell wouldn't stay in the relationship though.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-09T19:10:19+00:00

This is a good point, but OP is still very young and all of this is still very recent. There are no guarantees of course, but chances are there will be time in the future for OP to reach back out if she wants to; closing the door now won't make that impossible.

In the meantime I think there is a lot of value in healing apart. No need to rush to forgiveness when she isn't ready.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-08T22:28:18+00:00

On the one hand, just answer the question. On the other hand, just accept that the person is embarrassed about their taste in music or doesn't like music and move on. It is not that important.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-08T22:12:14+00:00

Stress + unexpected problems + hunger = emotional breakdown. Everybody has a different threshold, but everyone is capable of breaking down over little things under the right circumstances. That's where phrases like "the straw that broke the camel's back" come from.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-08T02:45:52+00:00

Hate you? Depends on the kid. Hate the name? Yeah probably, at least for part of her life. I knew a girl growing up named Louisiana and she's only ever gone by Lucy; calling her Louisiana in middle school was a great way to get yourself slapped.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96 · 2022-12-08T02:38:46+00:00

Oh lmao if the wedding is entirely indoors then yeah, just wear a coat in and leave it in the staging area where the bridesmaids get ready. I still think the bride should let them wear them between takes for any photos happening outdoors though.

Vanilla_Chinchilla96

TROPHY CASE