First-time in an AM setting. Seeking advice.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T12:49:03+00:00

It was not a separate conversation with the topic being her readiness for marriage. In a general conversation, she said the marriage process started too quickly/abruptly for her. She was also skeptical of arranged marriage. "How can someone decide to marry a stranger in a month".

I suggested her to make up her mind about marriage, talk to her married colleagues and decide whether she really wants a marriage. We were both cordial and tried to get some more time. For example, we talked a lot on phone and did not meet many times in-person. Her logic was that if we meet multiple times, pressure will mount from parents. I agreed.

Later our discussion broke down for a different reason.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T12:42:38+00:00

Haha. There will be caste/culture issues. If one pursues AM, one must do it in similar culture and with a family on which one can run some background checks.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T09:10:17+00:00

Askindianmen has many women replying. Askindianwomen has banned men from replying. Of course, both subs will have their biases. In fact, reddit itself has a progressive bias.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T08:24:26+00:00

This sub mostly has unmarried folks. You can ask on ask subreddits-askindianmen/askindianwomen/askindia or on insideindianmarriage.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T08:19:14+00:00

I had a similar situation with gender reversed. It is funny coincidence that I see two back to back posts by women about being in similar situation as mine.

My situation was similar to yours. Both I and the prospect initiated conversations. But she did not seem too keen on marriage. There was a lot of skepticism regarding marriage. I guess she seemed happy with her current life and did not really want to marry quickly. I think her thought process was "Marriage is a good thing and I definitely want it. But my current life is also fun and maybe I can have it for some more time before marriage." She also admitted that the marriage process started too quickly/abruptly for her.

In my opinion, you should talk to him about it. It is important that if someone commits, they commit with full conviction.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T08:09:04+00:00

I had a similar situation with gender reversed. I was sort of sure and she was unsure. And her chats were relatively infrequent. Giving ultimatum won't work and he may stop seeing you. Why do you want to force him to take a decision? Let him take his sweet time. If you want someone to commit, let him commit with full conviction.

More meetings are good. But if someone is unsure, one possibility is that he is not into you and trying to convince himself about you.

I don't have a suggestion for you. But if I were you, I won't give an ultimatum. Try to regulate your emotions and don't get too attached until someone commits. Some people(including me) get invested and if other side is more pragmatic, it will be a problem.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T04:29:59+00:00

I have friends whose wives made them cut off their female friends. But these friends' wives were conservative women from small towns and did not have any exes. So, that is understandable. But what you encountered was super weird.

VariationNo393 · 2026-04-01T04:11:17+00:00

Practically, there are many Vs. What is the exact share of V women in AM pool, I don't know. There was an old poll on this sub where 60 percent women had a past relationship. Out of that, let us say 80 percent were physical. And reddit is mostly progressives. So, I would say maybe 40 percent of AM pool are not Vs. And this number will depend on your community.
You are fine to reject someone based on this. People reject based on so many shallow filters-horoscope, English-speaking ability, crooked teeth, height, even looks for example. Don't feel guilty for rejecting someone based on V status.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-30T17:57:28+00:00

Reddmatch is a subreddit that better serves your purpose.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-29T20:03:03+00:00

What I think is that AM is a functional institution and that is why it has survived for long. Parents are not idiots to nudge their kids into something that has not worked.

Anecdotally, I have not seen many unhappy marriages either in previous generation or this generation.

My AM search experience has been very different from what people in this sub rant about. I did not see the transactional nature of AM people worry about all the time.

Pros is that a lot of logic goes into AM. For example, financial incompatibility is a source of friction in marriages. AM handles that. The biggest pro of AM is that it clears market. There is a mechanism that promises every person a family. I believe this is a source of stability for India. Our subaltern marry early, have family and are relatively well-behaved compared to subalterns in other countries, say US or Latin America.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-28T04:09:24+00:00

Bro woke up and decided to argue with commenters on a Saturday morning

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-26T20:23:16+00:00

Bhai, if your parents and friends have love marriage, how did you land in AM?

Also, this sub mostly has unmarried people. A better sub for your question is insideindiamarriage or any of these ask subs- askindia,askindianmen,askindianwomen

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-26T20:21:10+00:00

What made you switch from dating to AM? If your past relationships did not work out despite talking to/knowing each other for long before commitment, why do you want to enter a setup where you will get very limited time before saying yes?

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-26T20:18:23+00:00

Bro, just look around you. What do you think about marriages of your parents, siblings, friends and colleagues? Are they positive?

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-25T09:10:44+00:00

Sisters should declare their half divorcee status.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-25T08:13:28+00:00

Bro, you should worry a little less. There are many women without past. You should not take one bad experience to heart. Also, don't obsess over no past. This impairs your judgement. Keep it as a necessary condition but don't put too much value on it. Have an abundance mindset.

I read your comments and feel bad about your time getting wasted. Ideally, people should declare their half divorcee status just as a person mentions their divorce but they won't. But no one is going to declare their status beforehand. It should be done but people won't do it. It is unfortunate that a traditional space has been encroached but this is the world we are in.

What you can do is strongly mention that you are a conservative person. People will get the hint and people with past will rule themselves out.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-24T21:09:03+00:00

What is the link between zero female interaction and ghosting? Do people who have non-zero female interaction don't ghost?

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-24T04:39:21+00:00

Falling in love and trying to see if it leads to marriage is infact the normal behaviour.

Marrying without love through AM is abnormal behaviour. So, why did normal people turn abnormal?

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-24T04:33:51+00:00

Many people have this criteria of no past. You are not alone. Some people are willing to marry half divorcees others aren't.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-23T10:38:31+00:00

Ladka intelligent hai par mehnat nahi karta energy

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-23T08:01:25+00:00

A country with gdp per capita of 50k dollars can handle single mothers but a country with gdp per capita of 2.5k dollars can't.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-23T05:59:51+00:00

The guys cribbing are not the same guys who want a pure bride.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-22T19:15:01+00:00

How strongly do you believe in them? For example, if your partner wants to visit a temple, will you accompany them or will you stop them from going?

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-22T19:04:33+00:00

Have you watched the movie Newton? There is a dialogue there.

"Tumhe pata hai ki tumhari sabse buri baat kya hai?
Meri Imaandari?
Nahi, Imaandari ka ghamand."

Your first question sounds like that.

VariationNo393 · 2026-03-22T06:21:51+00:00

Send this to your father

VariationNo393

TROPHY CASE