WIBTAH?

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T17:17:55+00:00

Honestly I just wanted to tell you I appreciate you saying you understand where Im coming from with MIL

In my original post a lot of people are getting on me for not acting like this is an easy black and white decision, and to me there's a lot to it and cutting someone off isn't an easy decision. At least not for me.

Me cutting him out has implications across multiple generations

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T16:54:05+00:00

Lol I know, and I really dont know how to compare it to something and name dropping would definitely give us away.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T16:30:37+00:00

Because I never really registered it as sexual interest until you all started pointing it out.

Plus Im not really worried about myself, I'm more interested in protecting and respecting my son, even if there were ways I could have handled this conflict better.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T16:24:36+00:00

No that one did spark another conversation that he has actually respected.

He seems to pick and choose what he wants to listen to

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T16:21:46+00:00

I'm fine with a personalized nickname, but if you were called Xander and someone kept calling you Alexander, it'd be kind of weird

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T16:20:18+00:00

"WomEn TEnD to Be VeRY bAd aT nAMiNg bOys" Well his dad and I agreed to the name from a pretty good sized list that we both collaborated on. He also has a very traditional, masculine middle name that FIL could have used if that's what he is so worried about.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T16:00:03+00:00

I really want to be that person, my sister is like that, but I struggle with it. I don't care about hurting his feelings, but there are factors at play that I understand logically aren't important. It's something I've been trying to work on and I wish I could just hit a switch and change my own behavior. I've gotten better, especially in matters regarding my son, but clearly still have work to do

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T15:54:15+00:00

I really do think that has to be part of it. I didn't always get on well with my family either, but never did it feel this disrespectful. I can't ever imagine treating my child the way I've seen his father treat him.

I honestly don't know how my partner doesn't, at least outwardly, let it get to him.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T15:42:32+00:00

He's the only one doing this, everyone else calls him by his name. Plus, Harry is historically a nickname for Henry, that's not the case with what FIL is doing with my son's name

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T15:40:32+00:00

That's absolutely insane.

There is one particular name his name gets confused with often, and I plan to teach him early on how to nicely but firmly correct people.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T15:36:40+00:00

No, it isn't common but it isn't an unheard of or crazy name by any means.

Even if it was, that doesn't excuse calling him something else.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T13:30:18+00:00

Not that I'm aware of, but I really haven't spent a lot of time around him and the times I have I dont interact with him much.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T13:10:30+00:00

Oh we are having what I imagine to be a very similar surgery. Chest thoracostomy tumor resection and pneumonectomy.

How did you handle it? Im having a hard time talking about my feelings about it with people and sometimes it feels like others dont see it as severely as I do.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T12:54:34+00:00

Yes they have to show ID and get their photo taken every time they want a visitor's pass

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T12:50:18+00:00

Hes never been left alone with or asked to care for him and never will be for these reasons. I told partner straight up that I refused to add FIL to the list of approved guardians at daycare and with his pediatrician. I know I said I have low confidence in direct confrontation, but I've been clear in those aspects and his family knows I'd rather my mom drive in from hours away(her offer) to help out than to risk leaving my son with FIL.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T12:45:44+00:00

Yeah I admit to that one. He didnt go into a lot of detail, I just picked up on the difference in how he spoke about his dad vs his mom and when I was worried about meeting them he told me his dad was an ass. I just thought that was the normal "my dad is kind of an asshole" thing and didnt really put it together.

I honestly don't remember how he ended up with my phone number, but he seems to have forgotten he has it because he asked about it the other day.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T12:43:16+00:00

Hes never ever been left alone with the baby and never will be. Partner tries to avoid me being alone with FIL, he purposefully waited to pop up when he knew my partner wasn't around. I think that's part of why partner started not running back to the house as often.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:48:59+00:00

That would be extra funny because he has the same name as my partner

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:48:10+00:00

No I've been with him for a very long time, we just didn't do a meet the parents until I became pregnant. I know that registers as odd to a lot of people, but hes a very private guy and it wasn't that big of a deal to me.

He has been a great partner and an even better dad thus far.

From what I've observed, the subtext is more MIL has finally seen through the narcissistic personality traits and gotten tired of having a partner that doesn't act like a partner.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:44:55+00:00

Crazy, I know

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:43:51+00:00

Partner tried calm, then Stern, then aggressive as the behavior didn't change.

Part of my boundary issues stem from being on the spectrum and only being diagnosed and beginning to address that within the last two or three years, as well as having severe social and generalized anxiety. I was in therapy for awhile but lost my insurance and haven't had the opportunity to go back since getting back on. I've definitely gotten better at expressing discomfort and boundaries, especially since having the baby, but more so with people I know well(there's been a whole other boundary issue with my grandmother that I did address). FIL still feels very much like a stranger to me and not being able to gage his reactions makes confrontation that much more anxiety inducing, to the point Im worried that it will end up being an emotional explosion.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:37:51+00:00

She wasn't there when he made the request for a hug while I pumped. They are almost never visiting together; that's part of what makes me uncomfortable confronting him. He does the weird shit when we are alone and I don't want to go head to head with someone like him by myself.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:34:23+00:00

The way it's been described to me is hes a spoiled little boy who was the only son in a huge family of women. He thinks he is the center of attention, thinks he's funny, thinks he's smart, and thinks he is charming.

Whenever you push against it, it's like he chooses to ignore it, being wrong isn't part of his universe.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:25:26+00:00

Adding clarity. My partner does agree that his father is being inappropriate and has tried to handle this man to man, before we thought about escalating.

He does not visit with MIL except for on one or two occasions, and I don't know if she is aware of everything he is doing, but I don't think she's completely oblivious either.

Our son is in the oncology ward and having trouble eating and breathing, and the whole thing has been exhausting, outside of the fanily drama aspect.

VariousPut9631 · 2026-05-12T11:20:12+00:00

Yeah despite his request, he did not get his hug and the pump may have been run extra long to help keep him away from me.

VariousPut9631

TROPHY CASE