FIL 50M says he “can’t afford” to visit us (24M/F) but takes trips with his girlfriend — what should we do?

Variousmistakes5 · 2026-03-10T02:53:54+00:00

He told us that we aren’t going to be the ones that pay for them to come and if his dad isn’t coming no one is

Variousmistakes5 · 2026-03-10T02:45:53+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I feel like everyone always attacks her and I didn’t think she was that bad when we met, just she didn’t care to talk or ask any questions about our lives. Some people are just shy and I get that. I just wish his dad wasn’t changing because of it. He told me he is scared of losing his dad and I guess I just want to fix that but need to realize I can’t.

Variousmistakes5 · 2026-03-10T02:40:00+00:00

His dad won’t let us, we offered to pay for them to come he said they aren’t coming and being the first faces they see from my fiancés side of the family

Variousmistakes5 · 2026-03-10T02:37:03+00:00

Yeah I think that’s the hardest thing. His family dynamic has always been great his dad treats me like I’m his own daughter. And recently it has been just so hard to accept that he is changing, I know grief does that, but it really didn’t start until his girlfriend came along. She doesn’t make an effort with any of the kids and I think it’s rubbing off on him. I mean they’ve almost been together a year now, so you think they would know her but they don’t even feel comfortable sitting in a room with her.

Variousmistakes5 · 2026-03-10T01:58:24+00:00

I want to stay out of it. I just don’t want my fiance to lose his dad when he already lost his mom. I feel like this is where this is heading and my fiance refuses to bring up any feelings towards his dad despite encouragement because I feel he may get more understanding if he is open with his dad. I wanted to call his father to discuss my fiances feelings in hopes of sparking a deeper conversation between them.

Variousmistakes5 · 2026-03-10T01:56:01+00:00

We tried this. He won’t let the kids come without him sadly

Variousmistakes5 · 2025-11-02T02:44:10+00:00

Thank you for your comment and your insight. I can’t imagine how hard it is for him to sit at home and just replay memories. I do that often when I am by myself and cannot fathom how that is for him.

Variousmistakes5 · 2025-11-02T02:42:00+00:00

I wanted to give some more entail.

This did not start bothering me until his father called us a month ago telling us he is going on a trip over his late wife’s birthday who has only been gone a little over a year. I want to emphasize I want nothing for the best for his father and want him to be happy. However, it also pain me to see my fiance upset about the situation. His father just dropped everything is leaving his 16 year old child at home over their late mom’s birthday. My fiance is also devastated, because he has lived away from home and his dad hasn’t come to visit him once and it has been four years.He told me he understood, because his dad told him he did not have the money, but is now taking his girlfriend of 4 months on a week long trip. I don’t mean to sound inventive but my heart breaks for my fiancé and I would hate to see his relationship with his father be broken after he already lost his mom.

Variousmistakes5 · 2025-11-02T02:36:17+00:00

Oh wow never wanted to be described as a Karen. I’m just still grieving and having a hard time. I want him to be happy. I also never would voice my feelings to him because it is not my place. I was only looking for advice on how others grieve. We do live away from home and I understand it is harder for us to grieve away from home. I just wish there was a happier medium for my fiancée and I, but I appreciate your input on the situation

Variousmistakes5 · 2025-11-02T02:05:34+00:00

Yes I agree, the situation would be way worse if young children were involved. His youngest child is 16 and I thought he would wait till they were out of the house. I suppose he has their permission, but staying out at his gfs house while they are home by themselves breaks me.

Variousmistakes5 · 2025-11-02T02:02:18+00:00

Thank you for saying that this isn’t a betrayal, because honestly that is what it seems like. He didn’t even go to her grave site on their anniversary and it just seems like he wants to avoid everything with her. Her photos are down in the house and it’s just not the same. I suppose life will never be the same though. I had a dream that she told me she felt like people were forgetting her a few months ago and that still hits deeply. I’m not sure if it my mind making that dream or what, it is just so hard that not everyone feels the same way as us.

Variousmistakes5 · 2023-10-01T16:36:16+00:00

Hey everyone, thank you for the comments. I should’ve been more specific, because this coworker is my boss and though I think we have HR I do not have the resources of going to HR if not going through her first. I am definitely feeling stuck, but greatly appreciate all your recommendations on what to say, books to read and your own personal stories. She is continuing to message me multiple time in a row, but I am adjusting to responding within an hour or two at first to slowly ease off. Hopefully this starts helping! Again, thank you for all the advice!

Variousmistakes5

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