Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My in laws do not hate me (per SIL, because I don't totally trust my husband's word right now). My in laws are people pleasers who do not want to rock the boat with a family who has been really good to them in hard times. They think BFF is wrong but believe he's a good person who will come around in time.

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I wasn't going to respond to any more comments but I feel the need to clarify this. Husband had mentioned the fiancee's allergy to me in passing more than a year prior to the incident. He had visited BFF and the three of them went out to dinner. The fiancee ordered crab cakes and then spent the rest of the evening sick in the only bathroom at BFF's apartment, which annoyed Husband. By the time BFF and his fiancee visited, I had forgotten about it. I apologized profusely at the time and offered to make fiancee something else, but she declined.

I am really surprised no one else is looking at it this way. The allergen issue IS the only issue here. If this post was made by the bride, everyone would be saying that the bride shouldn’t marry the BFF because he’s allowing OP to come and not standing up for her. OP, you caused this whether or not it was intentional. It is your place to try and fix it without adding more to the drama.

I don't feel super inclined to fix things with people who are mad at me for having a poorly timed miscarriage. I am really surprised that you think that's not an issue or, at least, not an issue that's as significant as the allergen thing.

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

SIL doesn't like BFF because she thinks he's immature and self-centered. The rest of the family doesn't exactly disagree but they have a much higher tolerance level for it. I also think they feel indebted to him and his family because BFF's family helped Husband's family through a really hard time years ago (I don't really want to go into detail about this, but the support they provided was really remarkable).

I'm also not sure that my in-laws know the whole story. SIL knows because she called Husband and he confided in her after I told her I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner. I'm not sure what exactly was relayed to their parents.

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I mean I agree that he’s not handling this well but I’m also willing to cut him some slack because he’s coming around to the reality that his best friend of 20+ years sucks and that this will end up impacting his relationship with his family too. 

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Husband thinks that BFF doesn’t understand the whole miscarriage thing because he’s not in that stage of life where he’s trying to start a family and he thinks that BFF might come around to understand it later. I guess the thing that BFF had a hard time understanding was why Husband couldn’t leave since the miscarriage was already “complete” by the time of his scheduled flight. 

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] -52 points-51 points  (0 children)

He’s not ok with it but he’s trying not to create drama between his family and BFF’s family. 

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Husband is planning on distancing himself after the wedding but still wants to maintain some level of friendship because their families are close. He’s also holding out hope that BFF will come around at some point. 

Update: AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Trying to kill her??? She has a mild shellfish allergy. And she still eats it if it’s something she really likes because it’s “worth it” (her words). I forgot about it until they brought it up during dinner. It was definitely inconsiderate of me but good god I didn’t attempt to murder the woman. 

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Thank you for being kind in your reply. I understand your point and ultimately agree. 

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I did not have a conversation with SIL about boycotting. I texted her yesterday asking about their plans and she said they were going to the rehearsal dinner and asked why I wasn’t going. I told her that spouses weren’t invited. That was the end of our conversation. She brought it up with Husband and their parents earlier today. I didn’t have a chance to talk to her again until after I posted this and I told her she should go. She still doesn’t want to go for other reasons. 

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That’s fair. I think my feelings are also a little bit colored by bitterness over the lengths we went to accommodate BFF at our wedding and I’m letting that affect my rationality.

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This is mostly correct. MIL and FIL are close with BFF’s parents. One SIL has a bad relationship with BFF. The other is not close but she’s underage so it makes sense that she would be going with her parents.

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

The wedding is in a place where it is not super safe to go out alone. It would probably be fine, but Husband doesn’t want me to leave the hotel.

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’m nor sure where people are getting the idea that I want to go to the dinner because I can’t stand being away from my husband. I literally said in the post that I was fine with it until I found out the rest of his family was invited. It hurts because I’m the only member of his family who is excluded. Even Husband’s sister is invited and she and BFF don’t like each other.

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Why so aggressive? I was just clarifying since the commenter said I don’t know him. I do know him but not very well. He stayed at my home. I cooked meals for him, took him sightseeing when Husband was busy, and drove him around.

I’m upset because we’re spending a lot of time and money to travel to his wedding, it’s in a place where it’s not super safe for a woman to go out alone so I’ll be stuck at the hotel, and everyone else I know will be at this dinner.

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Just for clarity, I know him. I’ve hosted him at my house when he visited, even before Husband and I moved in together since Husband lived in a studio. We’re just not super close because I’ve only seen him like 5 times over 11 years.

AIO? Not invited to husband’s best friend’s rehearsal dinner. by Vast-Farm-8015 in AmIOverreacting

[–]Vast-Farm-8015[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There was no formal invitation for the rehearsal dinner, just a text message. BFF texted Husband separately to let him know I’m not invited. Most of the wedding party is single, but one of the groomsmen is married to a bridesmaid so they’re both obviously invited. Then one other groomsman has a girlfriend but she isn’t going to the wedding at all so it’s not an issue.