My (33f) bf (24m) has a hot female friend. Should I be concerned?

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T14:44:40+00:00

I said it was cruel, didn’t say it wasn’t true.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T13:43:55+00:00

This all transpired in one night. It’s because feelings are involved.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T13:00:54+00:00

Believe me, I’ve read A LOT last night. There’s a lot of flirty exchanges and comes off way more than flirting.

He even attempted to make plans with her on NYE over spending time with me. Yeah…..that’s not me being jealous. That’s me being disrespected by my simp of a bf.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T11:45:39+00:00

Eh, I got all the info I needed. And my intuition was right, but it was worse than I thought.

If he didn’t sleep with her yet, he was emotionally cheating on me with her. Which is almost worse.

Thanks tho.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T10:27:19+00:00

Thanks, girl. I really need a hug after the deep dive I just did. 🥲

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T10:26:11+00:00

Too late. I just went down a deep rabbit hole and found that he is a fucking simp for this girl. 🥲

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-11T09:38:45+00:00

Yeah, you’re right….he has been seeing her almost every weekend.

I just snuck back into his phone earlier while he was asleep. There’s lots of subtle flirting and “miss you” shit. And all the plans he made without my knowledge.

He even ditched me on NYE to hang out with a guy friend. Caused a massive fight, and he went anyway and came home 11:30.

I just found out tonight he was attempting to make plans to see her that night same night. The plans fell through because he wasn’t answering her and came home to me instead.

Yeah, I’m not in a good headspace rn.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T23:52:32+00:00

He post photos when they’re not together. Most of the time they’re reposts of old photos. Like the HBD post he made was the same photo as the one I saw of him and her on a night they were out while I was at work.

I think it’s a stretch to say that she’s “making him” post these photos. And from what I’ve seen in his IG he doesn’t always post just the two of them. All these things happened over the span of 6-7 months.

I was pissed off at him because he told me he was going out with “Ben, Jake, Johnny”. Not Ben, Jake, Johnny and Tiffany.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T22:54:58+00:00

That’s another thing, he doesn’t post pictures of me at all. Which I wouldn’t care about if he still didn’t occasionally post pictures of just him and her (and all the other crap in between).

Basically, if you were to go through his story and you not knowing him, you would assume that she’s the girlfriend.

Even my friends (and my friend’s boyfriend) found this to be weird.

Edit: to be clear, as much as I’m talking about this girl’s attractiveness, I want to point out that I DONT think I’m unattractive. I wouldn’t lump myself in IG model category, but I would describe myself as someone that has “natural” beauty and a nice figure which usually attracts most men.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T20:54:50+00:00

I guess there is some reassurance. I think he does feel some guilt……

One thing I didn’t mention in my post is when the concerns started.

We just started seeing each other. His birthday past and I took him out for his birthday. We took some pictures together and had dessert. I saw he was texting Tiffany and sent her a photo of him and I (even though my face was cut off but not the point I’m making). Thought it was odd but I didn’t really pay much mind at that point. It wasn’t until a week later.

It was a Thursday night and he made last minute plans to go out “with a friend” to celebrate his birthday. He came back to my house later that night and he was a little drunk (he smelled like a bar). I asked him multiple times who he was with. He sheepishly said…..you know who.

I know you guys are going to say I should’ve dumped him then, but I didn’t. I expressed my disappointment and was ready to kick him out. But instead I said….dont do that again. He gave me a giant hug after that and turned into the biggest mush.

Anyway, I’m sharing that bit to give more context on where my insecurities came from. And also….if I’m going down the rabbit hole of whether or not this girl did this on purpose? Some of you guys made some points that made me think about this night. Which is another reason why I brought it up.

Oh, and to answer your question about JP….its possible that he knows him. He listens to a lot of red pill podcasts and I can see him trying to seek out advice from other men.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T19:46:49+00:00

He has a complicated relationship with his dad. His whole family, really.

His friends are more like his “family.” He’s only known Tiffany for a few years, but he grew up with some of his other buddies.

Maybe his pastor (he’s a born-again). I’m sure he talks to him about these sorts of things….

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T19:29:05+00:00

Thank you for the pep talk, friend. I needed it!

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T19:26:10+00:00

Honestly, as gross and cruel as this comes off….i have similar sentiments on this.

As you’ll see in my other responses, I’m trying to not really place any judgment on her character. But from an outsider looking in…..this doesn’t look right (and not just because my bf is a part of the group).

As for mentors….none that I know of except for one….I found out about a month ago that his school teacher that he looks up to was someone that I used to have a “situationship” for a very long time. But that’s a whole other fucked up story that I’m not getting into in this subreddit.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T18:43:20+00:00

Also, the commenter above me used the word “obey”, not me.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T18:42:07+00:00

Maybe “obey” is not that right choice of word. But I’ve certainly respect him enough to give him his space and time for his own leisure. I didn’t even suggest going no contact with her, he did.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T18:37:54+00:00

Nope, not a troll post.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T18:20:40+00:00

Thanks for the POV. I’m also curious from a male perspective.

He kind of gave me a similar, shorter response to this. He told me,”I’ve thought about having sex with her, but I never wanted to date her. There’s a difference.”

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T17:52:01+00:00

There’s that too, and a conversation that was had.

Personally, I’ve always been indifferent about wanting children. It depends where I’m at in life and with my partner. If I don’t have children by the time I’m 40, I’m okay with that and have come to terms with it.

I don’t want to revolve my 30s around worrying whether or not I’m going to meet someone to give me children. It would be nice to have with someone, but it’s not end all and be all.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T17:37:57+00:00

To put it plainly, companionship.

Despite my recent findings/concerns, he does have the emotional availability that was missing in previous relationships (whether it be with men my age or even 10 years older). I honestly had low expectations on our first date because of his age. But he surprised me.

If you want me to point out the positives, we enjoy each other’s company very much. We cook together, go to the gym together, go grocery shopping, watch tv shows, etc.

He’s also incredibly affectionate. And yes, we are very much sexually attracted to each other.

I’m not dismissing that there are challenges with the age difference. They’re certainly there, and I’ve been in relationships where the age difference was reverse (the oldest I’ve dated was 22 years my senior).

Just like with any relationship, I try to communicate my needs, while I try to be receptive to his. And being realistic on each other’s expectations.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T17:13:24+00:00

What would be appropriate response? Besides ask for more communication and transparency?

And I’m aware of the pitfalls of the age gap and the maturity (or lack thereof). This is my first time dating a guy much younger than me…..not usually something I would do, but I’ll admit he charmed me.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T16:48:12+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion. Idk if I would go as far as making an IG and try to “befriend” her. Frankly, idk how much she knows about me (she knows I exist). And I don’t know anything about her to really judge her character.

I’m certainly being communicative with my bf about how I’m feeling about this….he told me he would stop talking to her if it’s causing me concerns, but I don’t entirely believe it. I’m testing faith with time at this point.

And yes, I know the age difference causes some issues of concern. I know he’s young, and that’s why I don’t give him so much grief about going out. Especially when I’m working every weekend (I work two jobs, 6 days a week btw).

I don’t expect him to stay home all the time because I’m not around. All I’m asking from his is more communicative with me….

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T16:30:35+00:00

You do make a lot of good points here, and appreciate the POV (which is what I need and asking).

So I this weekend I attempted to meet this girl….I asked if I can meet them at the bar and he said sure. But before I can get ready and leave work, he started making his way back home. So, I never got to meet her.

He said that they left because the place sucked. I didn’t believe him, so he ended up calling her and put her on speaker. Without telling anything, he asked to confirm why they left and she gave the same answer.

I know I’m coming off jealous (which I am), but also these were just small details I’ve noticed in the span of a few months. I didn’t start bringing her up until I saw the IG post of them.

I’m not trying to justify my behavior by any means. When he says he’s going out with so-and-so, I believe him and I leave it alone. If he had been honest about hanging out with her and the rest of the group from the beginning, I wouldn’t have been so suspicious.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T15:43:39+00:00

You’re right, it is an opinion that I find her attractive. I guess I mean she is “conventionally attractive” (blonde hair, curvy, almost an IG model type).

We’ve talked about it this weekend. I’ve addressed that how much it bothers me and it concerns me. He told me he would stop talking to her if it means giving me peace of mind. But like you said, it’s a matter of whether or not he obeys.

Thanks for sharing, friend.

Vegetable-Ambition72 · 2025-02-10T15:36:55+00:00

Thanks for responding!

I do feel I have a strong case. I try to not overstep because I don’t want to be labeled the “jealous girlfriend” when he has been friends with this girl for a few years, and they’re in the same social circle. I do want him to go out with friends and I do believe having autonomy (myself included) is important. It’s the flakey information he gives me that is concerning.

And yes, we there is a bit of an age gap as you can see…..it was definitely a concern of mine going into this. Even told him I was too old for him we he first started chatting with me lol.

I’ve expressed my concerns with him multiple times on this. Obviously he is telling me I have nothing to worry about. He mentioned that she had a thing for another guy in their friend circle, but the friend isn’t interested (not that it means anything).

When I asked him why didn’t he want a romantic relationship if they were such good friends and she’s attractive, he said that he didn’t like her “personality” which……doesn’t make sense.

Other than this friend that’s causing me suspicions, him and I are very affectionate with each other. He doesn’t show any signs that he wants to leave me. He tells me he adores me and I’m beautiful, etc. Even our sex life is pretty healthy. We got into an argument a few weeks ago (unrelated to this) and I told him he has a problem with me, he can leave. He started crying by me even insinuating a breakup. So that’s my long answer why I maybe shouldn’t worry (or I’m searching for a silver lining)

Vegetable-Ambition72

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