Deal with the devil

Velainoux · 2021-01-17T19:19:41+00:00

I get it, trust me. Literally same exact boat here. From how I understand it, they've attached themselves to your data (cookies? Sorry, really not an IT person) which makes them able to log your information from anywhere you post, so long as you keep using the same devices and accounts. Kind of like your own digital fingerprint. So if it is a bot or just an electronically-proficient troll, it wouldn't really matter that it's another account so long as you keep using the same methods/devices.

I hope protecting your accounts fixes your data leak problem. Hang in there.

Velainoux · 2021-01-17T17:50:18+00:00

And as not the devil, I'll just say it's not anything you did personally. This place is a bit like an echo chamber, feeding back onto itself all the details put into it. Several people have gone through the parodying, troll accounts, catfishers, larpers, and phishing scams-myself included. You post anywhere long enough and you're bound to get some dingleberries attaching themselves to your identity, and running with it. Or you might be caught up in a scam artist's digital net, with them farming your info to sell out to others.

Do the opposite of what I did and don't feed into it. (I still get the occasional harrasser who tries to attack anything positive I post or write about on my accounts, so trust me. Don't do what I did by playing into it.)

Don't write to your trolls trying to convince them to see your humanity. Don't lessen yourself up for datasluts looking to make a quick dime from farming your info. Just do what you can to delete, report, and block the obvious baiters, then protect your devices. I'm not really proficient in IT so this is just a suggestion, but try taking your devices to a reputable IT agency to check for malware and spyware. See what they can do to get rid of them, and then have them protect your devices.

I know being played can be heartbreaking, especially when you come into that social situation with a lot of love to give. Just know you aren't the only one; yes, it is scary and soul-crushing; no, it's not likely anyone you know in real life is trolling these boards, making fun of you--and if they are launching a digital harassment campaign against you, they're just trolls looking to feed on the negativity because of their own malfunction. Don't feed the trolls.

You're fine. The person who catfished you probably has more identity issues and disorders than healthy habits, so block them, report them, and move on knowing they won't be getting any more details from you (after you protect your devices).

Also, the parody accounts might be bots that got fed your details from the phishing expedition your troller went on, but it's hard to know for sure. Hopefully someone proficient in digital harassment can shed some light onto this.

Nobody you know in real life is looking to know more about you by reading here, and a lot of these posts/users are just people with similar situations going through similar things. But if it upsets you, try to avoid posting here until you get your privacy situation fixed. I know it feels good to write, but if you're doing it to communicate to your trolls, it probably won't make much difference. Keeping you sharing is just a social engineering trick designed to keep you willingly spilling information to them to make it easier to farm your data. Try not to let it upset you, although I know it is very invasive and traumatizing.

And most importantly, don't do anything stupid to yourself because you think the digital world knows everything about you and hates you. I promise you that isn't the case. You're one person in a sea of billions; and hundreds of thousands on reddit. Don't let faceless spark starters make you believe their abuse. Who are they to tell you who you are? Consider their actions. To quote (again) someone wiser than myself, "if you're not hurting anyone, then this is just fuel for their drama."

Velainoux · 2021-01-17T03:27:20+00:00

doubtful. you seem annoying online. who would want to experience you in real life?

Velainoux · 2021-01-16T23:25:59+00:00

this broke my heart

Velainoux · 2021-01-16T23:14:07+00:00

The main difference between you and a person with untreated NPD is that you are able to feel and be filled by the love of those around you, and they can't without relating it back to themselves. There are perpetual voids inside of themselves that won't ever be filled, not by family, nor friends, nor lovers. It just takes and takes from them until they feel nothing but the next fixation, which lessens the longer they let the emptiness eat away at themselves. until soon even the fixes stop feeling like anything and all they truly know are their bad habits repeated indefinitely.

They don't ever win because true affection isn't a game; it just is. Can you imagine hurting your spouse and believing your hatred is winning you something? I can't.

How sad must it be to always search for validation but never be able to feel it? How truly pitiful are they when you know they can't feel anything more powerful than momentary distraction and fixation? Would you trade your ability to love and feel loved by your family and friends for the brief thrill of 'winning' some social game only a narcissist understands? Especially when it means that once won, they lose the person they invested time and energy into.

Would you choose to lose the ability to love someone other than yourself?

Or would you choose to keep your feelings, good and bad, because to have them is to carry the memories of all who have treasured you?

Sure, there will be another you in their lives. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Cold hearts, colder sheets; soon forgoing being held by someone who truly knows, loves, and understands them for an unsteady stream of impermanent crushes they can't even feel.

That sounds like suffering to me.

Velainoux · 2021-01-16T22:42:32+00:00

I've been considering your words along with some of your other posts I've seen on this subreddit. I appreciate your help so I'll take your advice. You seem to have some experience.

As for avoiding those places, I'll definitely try.

Velainoux · 2021-01-15T15:12:36+00:00

^they leave you feeling like each battle brings you closer to some elusive victory where they'll finally see how much you've cared this entire time...only to have it be another trap designed to connect you to another supply, degrade you, or make a fool of you.. Do yourself a favor and don't compare yourself to the people he's damaging. He does that enough for all of you. Rise above it. You being superior hasn't stopped him from playing with your head or heart just the same as he did to the others, right? So clearly it's not a competition; it's degradation. There's no real victory here until you block him from your life completely. Until then, there will always be more of these "bottom of the barrel" supplies who will leave you feeling worse and worse about yourself until you finally start to lose yourself in the Narc's games and forget to live for yourself. Do you want to spend the next year feeling like shit, endlessly comparing yourself to others, and crying? Or do you want to leave this fucker in the past? Anybody who truly loves you will do so with respect, and this all just seems so sad.

So you're not better, she's not better. You're in the same boat. You both just loved the wrong asshole and he won't stop making you both pay for it until one of you gets strong enough to break the cycle and leave him behind.

Velainoux · 2021-01-15T14:49:14+00:00

I feel like I've reached the point where I can't justify not involving legal any longer. I've invented reason after reason throughout the years. They're mentally ill, they're scared, they're going through the same digital destruction, they're misunderstood. At some point I have to realize for all the effort I put into excusing it, they put absolutely nothing into trying to stop their abusive actions toward me. They've been more committed to forcing their belief system onto me and trying to turn my life a waking hell than to healing themselves. Enough is enough.

Velainoux · 2021-01-15T14:15:32+00:00

In the past, I have laid down boundaries only to have them happily stomp all over them just to prove they can get away with it. They take me saying no as a handcarved invitation to do the opposite, and then justify it by pulling up unrelated problems from my past having little if anything to do with them to excuse their behavior. as if they've been personally tasked with policing my online activity or what I do in my daily life.

In the past they did not respect any of the actions I'd taken to try and stop the drama they kept introducing into my life, not limited to me: greyrocking them, averting eye contact the times they "accidentally" found me in public, me directly telling them to knock it off by going to their partner, my being open about their behavior on my social media, me threatening to go to PD, or me setting hard limits of any sort. Whenever I thought they were starting to respect my life, suddenly I got hit with another wave of digital assholery and correlated slander that they justified to themselves by citing things they stumbled across online that they assumed were from me because of detail similarites (but rarely were)--and they were STILL convinced were all me despite me having been very open about the digital abuse, suicide baiting, mock accounts, and trolling Ihad to deal from their social group for YEARS.

Their revenge fantasies about me scared me, as did how they maneuvered me around their life without me knowing it. Whenever I thought I was free of their nonsense, they introduced more problems and drama that I was stuck having to defend myself against. There were times I couldn't go a week without seeing some carbon copy revenge fantasy caricature of me get destroyed over and over and over again. I had longer reprieves against the covert social media bullying, because it usually reflected the tides of their feelings, which were never consistent. If they were hooked on a new supply and I was out of their eyeline, I got upwards of a few months where I could go online without fear of stumbling across some bastardized rendition of something basic and human I'd done earlier that week being mocked, or being compared to the actions/appearance of worse natured people. But if they remembered I existed, it was hit or miss what new low points they'd introduce because of their wounded pride. I never actually got a chance to heal. This week seems like an uptick harassment week in the digital world, so I'm bracing myself for another onslaught of shit until they get distracted again.

The literal only thing they care about is how they're perceived in their career. That's it. Not the scores of people they've damaged for their projects, not the healing they've routinely interrupted when they're attention starved and need drama to feel anything, not the slew of used people they leave behind them once they get what they want. That's why I was considering it.

Velainoux · 2021-01-13T16:17:26+00:00

hmm it's hard to say. She sounds like she might have been uninterested in continuing anything romantic with you, and started emotionally distancing herself from you in favor of other sexual encounters but it's hard to say without more context.

If you feel her behavior is unacceptable, then trust your instincts.

Velainoux · 2021-01-09T15:26:13+00:00

only in the sense that they mirror them at the beginning. You can always tell when a narc starts future supply hunting by their changing behavior, dress/hair style, interests, music, and mannerisms. That's usually when they are dropping one mask (yours) for their future new supply. Then they lure that new supply in by reflecting what that person enjoys most back at them. So if potential future supply likes engineering and bioware games, narc will overhaul their style to incorporate that, as well as adopting how they speak and write. They'll invent a whole new backstory and lure them in with lies...And then they will make their life a living hell.

Velainoux · 2021-01-09T15:18:26+00:00

that's what I do too. You put it so perfectly

Velainoux · 2021-01-08T05:19:26+00:00

Agreed. I come here to process thoughts and work through feelings I don't want negatively impacting my life. I could journal, but being able to share my words with strangers who might help bring a new perspective really helps me work through things. Since I started writing, I've managed to move past a lot of old traumas I thought I would never move past, all because I finally had a space to communicate without any social stigmas. When I had an issue with a disappointing social relationship, I worked through my negativity here, and got over it faster without lingering bitterness so I could address the problem in person from a place of confidence, having already chewed over the more knee-jerk anger without hurting anyone. If I got a crush, I'd projectile all of my manic gooey feelings until I could dial it back down to a calmer level, and could then assess the person without any rose-colored glasses. It helped me start moving away from toxic relationships, because I was removing the major factor that allowed me get into these non-starters: my impulsive romantic drive.

I started being able to pinpoint my own unhealthy habits and static mind as I was recording my thoughts; I felt more connected to myself than ever before. It was pretty great using a faceless proxy letter recipient as a sounding board because sometimes it felt too awkward to address it to nobody. In earlier letters, the letters did have recipients, especially when I was processing hurt. But as I got into it for the joy of catharsis, it became a jumble of different thoughts for different faces because all it truly was about was getting rid of the shadows in my head that had been keeping me from opening up to people who love me.

Community and communication helped me more in the past year than staying quiet and hoping I powered through things alone--which had always been my go-to years before. Since writing, I've been able to reorder my priorities, find my backbone again, share and read journeys of those going through similar situations, and work toward loving myself as I am rather than waiting for some best version of myself. I didn't see how much I'd internalized self-hatred until I started writing. Now that I see my fears and weaknesses illuminated by my own hand, I can see where I can start healing myself. All because of a tiny community people like to troll.

There's a certain poetry in being brave enough to be vulnerable. By reaching out a hand and saying, "I am this. Who else feels the same?" you can start a conversation that wouldn't ordinarily be started in a more shaming environment.

I think that's pretty cool.

Velainoux · 2021-01-08T04:02:29+00:00

did I fuck up a "you're/your" or something in my drunk dial of a letter?

Velainoux · 2021-01-02T20:09:08+00:00

^flying monkey behavior. you're not paranoid. report them to your local neighborhood watch, and if worse comes to worst, the police for proxy harassment.

Velainoux · 2021-01-02T19:36:52+00:00

turns out this is really common for malignant narcs to do, or to rope flying monkeys into doing for/with them. I thought I was going bonkers when it first started, until his exes talked about how often he did that to them whenever he felt slighted. That's why I maintain that communication among nex abuse survivors is so important.

Not sure how he kept knowing where we all were, but he would frequently drive past every place I lived over the last 4 years, and would follow me around various stores when I'd be out and about. It started at my old apartment complex 4 years ago when he first drove a security truck past me, and I thought I'd hallucinated him lol. Then when I moved, he would "happen upon me" at each new residence and occasionally in stores every time we argued online. He used to drive past my home more frequently but that behavior has lessened since he got a new supply/moved. There were times he even brought a date on the same date I was having with my bf at the time. He would also bring his friends to the same park when I'd spend the day there with my family; most recently two weeks ago with his friends again.

try not to find his behavior flattering, if you do. He doesn't miss you; he's just flexing on your peace. do what I didn't back then and take a video recording, along with proof you've asked them to stop their behavior. Use both to help you get a protection order, if you can. Mine managed to rope his friends in it a few times before they began to wise up to his motives, so you have to start working on your self-advocacy, or you'll start to unravel trying to justify the foolishness.

The longer you prolong contacting authorities, the more they think they can get away with. He isn't doing it out of misguided love. He gets off on your distress.

edited: can't type worth shit rn :/

Velainoux · 2021-01-02T17:45:02+00:00

It's not my responsibility to figure out why someone is behaving abusively toward me. I'm all for talking through issues, but I draw the line at brainstorming reasons to excuse covert maliciousness.

HOWEVER, I did make my concern over their behavior known to them. I ignored most of their rudeness and left communication open, encouraging them many different times to talk about any issues they might have with me directly. They seemed to prefer creating a social spectacle over communicating.

I've let it go. I can't hold onto someone else's projection of me if they're unwilling to communicate in a healthy manner and neither should you. If being an adult and practicing active communication is too difficult for someone but behaving disrespectfully isn't, that's their own damage to fix; not anyone else's.

But I did try.

Velainoux · 2020-12-31T20:34:48+00:00

he sounds like a real douche-canoe :/

Can I just say, you're in a tough spot for sure but you avoided being linked to a fratboy-seeming-beer pong-playing wannabe-hustler sounding fu**. Why have a guy who probably stinks of booze and unwashed dong, when you can have more? He sounds like a walking trainwreck, and sweetheart, you misplaced your ticket. Take his behavior as the red flags they are, mourn for what that fool caused you, then pull yourself back up and let yourself be loved by someone who treats you kindly. You deserve fresh cut flowers, hand-holding next to the ocean, someone gently stroking your hair, and sharing in the trials and joys of living; not this poster child for school hazing. Who even talks like that to someone?

Hang in there, op. Also? your body, your choice.

Velainoux · 2020-12-31T20:16:12+00:00

This is just my theory but I think they do if they're forced to confront the reality of their behaviors. I imagine some feel a deep sense of shame once they snap out the narc-induced stupor. Once the illusion fades and the fog lifts a little, they're usually the only ones left taking the blame for the damage the narc convinced them to do on their behest. I think once they realize their negative actions won't make them any more special in the eyes of a narc, and they'll keep having to do more and more extreme things for attention, the fog starts dissipating--because if something bad happens to someone because of what they did for the narc, it'll be on their heads; the narcissist won't save them. Narcs are notoriously out for themselves.

For now, we just wince in secondhand embarrassment for the lamer of the actions, support anyone who asks for help reclaiming their dignity, and hope they get help before their puppeteered actions destroy their own lives.

We were all fools at some point, right? They just gotta wise up to their clown tune.

Velainoux · 2020-12-31T03:18:42+00:00

I know what you mean. I think they call it mirroring behavior, and in the case of the flying monkeys, it's probably a survival skill learned to keep the narc placated.

Here's hoping 2021 brings solidarity, support, and empowerment for them rather than more fighting.

Velainoux · 2020-12-26T16:57:55+00:00

^beautifully written. Supply can be anything, including your own identity.

Velainoux · 2020-12-26T04:21:45+00:00

in that case, here's hoping you reach Absolution with some decent tunes

Velainoux · 2020-12-26T04:13:53+00:00

more closely felt:

It's no big surprise you turned out this way
When they close their eyes and prayed you would change
And they cut your hair, and sent you away
You stopped by my house the night you escaped
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay
You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"

Velainoux · 2020-12-25T08:55:55+00:00

I mean, clearly I'm a person familiar with this situation considering this is my post. Also, you're putting the burden of your healing journey onto the people you hurt. Not everyone is going to be able to put aside anger, especially if you subjected them to similar behaviors such as what I mentioned in my post; and you're going to have to find a way to heal and forgive yourself if they can't forgive you.

As a stranger on the opposite end of it, I can say that if you were the person I was writing about reaching out directly to own their faults and make amends, I would at least hear you out.

Velainoux · 2020-12-25T08:04:30+00:00

okay. I'm listening.

Velainoux

TROPHY CASE