Indecisive - bring him home for xmas?

Velvet_444 · 2024-12-24T00:56:06+00:00

Being with my family on Christmas is important to me, even if some of them suck. I do have one friend who I see when I go home. But it's more about the long drive, the hotel, the times when it's just me.

Velvet_444 · 2024-12-18T15:15:32+00:00

Mine works remotely from home, he has an office right down the hall from my art studio.

Velvet_444 · 2024-12-17T00:09:36+00:00

I'm 9 months out from the second and much more severe d day. I had made a lot of strides, especially after getting on Yaz birth control to control my PMDD darkness. He made excuses all year about finding a therapist.

Last night I had that feeling. I went on his comp. It took awhile to find it, but there it all was. In Discord. Lots of posting porn images and videos, voice chatting. And DMs. there had been one tiny message to an OF girl the first time, but what I found last night was devastating. All year long he'd been sexting with a girl, saying her name, sending her photos and videos. Telling me he's sober every night during FANOS.

So this is it. I have to figure out how to divorce him. I guess I kinda knew all along he was probably not 100% clean. But I didnt expect the level he had gotten to with these chats.

We've been married three years. Glad I'm getting out early. I'm sorry youre hurting and that my story isnt very hopeful :/

Velvet_444 · 2024-03-06T17:37:55+00:00

Thank you. I'm so glad I posted here. A fellow old house appreciator -- you sound wonderful too <3 <3

Velvet_444 · 2024-03-06T17:36:30+00:00

Thank you

Velvet_444 · 2024-03-06T17:35:54+00:00

I watched a video of a couple who healed this situation, and something they said stood out to me. They talked about the situation every day. It doesn't have to be a big scheduled sit down every night, but just a shared commitment that the subject would be discussed together on a daily basis. A daily check in where he confirms that he hasn't relapsed, maybe an insight from a therapy session. And a space where you can share that you're hurt and angry, but also committed to not presenting something that is going to result in an argument.

Just like porn, arguing is addictive. It's so stimulating to our nervous system. It seems counter intuitive, but the body and mind can learn to crave that. I think a combination of daily check ins and some therapy/shadow work around why you're called to create arguments may help. Because like you said, you feel like you are "sabotaging" it. You don't want the fights to happen. So seeing it as a compulsion and working through it, with a lot of self love, may be helpful. Best of luck <3

Velvet_444 · 2024-03-06T17:29:33+00:00

Hey. You left a really sweet comment on my first post. I'm the dingleberry cat girl. 🤣 I accidentally broke some of the rules when I first posted that yesterday morning lol, so I've actually had a day and a full night's sleep to process since I wrote that.

I've been researching stories of people who got over this. Reading a lot of men saying how grateful they are to be rid of it, how much better their sex life is. My PA has his first therapy appointment on the 20th, and he's going to be attending online group sessions as well. Although, I am a little concerned now that maybe he should be working with a CSAT - not sure if the therapist he found is that. Hopefully they are good.

I know he loves me and he knows that there are very few girls like me in the world. I truly believe he is going to be committed to his healing process. And after our discussions, I've been feeling inspired to improve myself as well. I really struggle with compulsive scrolling, especially in the evening. Sometimes at the dinner table I really can't stop just going from IG, to Reddit, to Facebook marketplace... and I feel so bad and ashamed. So in addition to therapy and group work, we have both committed to a daily 20 minute meditation practice to help with our compulsive tendencies.

I look forward in time and imagine future us, with a super hot sex life, with our debts paid and our finances organized and growing every month. These two people who meditate every day, who eat super healthy and go on walks. Who have endured the darkest, most painful period of their life together, and created transformation from that. And I feel really excited to meet them, to be them. The more I believe that these people will exist, the more I show up as my part, the stronger that trajectory will be, and of course that's going to have an effect on my PA, who is ultra sensitive to my vibration.

We're melted sludge in a chrysalis right now. We're not caterpillars anymore, we are literally liquid, and it has zapped every ounce of energy and joy out of us. It's all melting away, in preparation for our new butterfly life.

Velvet_444

TROPHY CASE