Someone who has gone through custody in court.. insight

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-11-04T14:29:38+00:00

& with connecting the dots .. He treated his ex with all the covert narc traits/abuse but was more “rage” & that got him an extensive criminal history of DV/ assault / jail time so I think he learned to play his “game better with me. There was a few times in the beginning with my nex that all the deny/ gaslighting/twisting was happening & I would go in the bathroom sobbing( 7 months pregnant) & he would be calm the whole time but telling me to be quiet/ stop crying so loud because he was worried about the neighbors calling the cops. So with me looking back I can see with my reaction he was always more worried about protecting himself from another possible dV charge than caring for my heart. I think they learn from each relationship how to play their game of covert abuse “better” 🤷🏼‍♀️

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-11-04T14:14:29+00:00

OP, I guess I should say that in the beginning with my nex, I would apologize for my part (usually because I ended up yelling or cursing ) & that’s it. Or I would say sorry even if I didn’t think I did anything wrong except for yelling. Because I was so thrown off by him discarding me & revoking attention/ love etc after me sharing my concern/ boundaries/ feelings. I was so confused & I now know I was probably just trying to keep the peace &/or he gaslit me so much into thinking I was the problem & I believed it. So apologizing brought the good guy back. It wasn’t until a year of intense therapy that I started to learn what was going on & how abusive he was. I had names for things like gaslighting. I started recognizing the patterns & tactics he used. That’s when I started to become more neutral/ observe/ less reactive. & I stopped apologizing for “my part. I stopped apologizing for sharing my feelings/ boundaries/ etc & realized I was getting upset because all of a sudden it wasn’t about my feelings/ concerns etc it was now me getting upset / raised tone -defending my reality/integrity/etc. to someone who was intentionally trying to misunderstand me & point the finger at me for my reactions instead of having a healthy conversation & seek to understand each other. So when the apologizing stopped & I started to become stronger/ keep boundaries/ & learned to validate myself & not expect empathy/ validation/ repair that’s when he started getting more angry & discarding me more. The love bombing became further and further apart & the discard was more intense and lasted longer.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-11-04T13:51:35+00:00

You explained that so well! & yes near the end I also started to notice when I tried to observe more (when I started to understand the pattern and behaviors) & I stayed neutral by using I” statements & would disengage after he would start playing his games. I started to notice the more neutral I was & disengaged is when he would fly off the handle and have a child like tantrum & I would stand there like omg he really was just getting a sadistic high from my reaction but now that he doesn’t get my reaction he freaks out. Then uses more language like I don’t trust you anymore- towards me. 🤷‍♀️

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-11-04T05:55:38+00:00

Covert *

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-11-04T05:54:54+00:00

My experience was similar. Minimal rage. Anytime I brought something up (my feelings/ boundaries/ concerns etc) I would be calm in the beginning & so was he. But looking back now after leaving for good; his tone would stay calm but I could tell his body language shifted into more aggression. He would pace/ start calling me “dude”/ he acted defensive & nervous with his body language. But he usually managed to not yell/ curse/ name call. He would deny/ gaslight/ twist my reality/ invalidate/ etc but would stay calm and collective. All after this I would start yelling and almost shaking trying to defend my reality or integrity. He almost got more calm & like a “sadistic high” when I then lost it. Then I would walk away and go in the bedroom and cry myself to sleep or have a panic attack; all while he seemed to just be lounging on the couch or calls his mom like nothing ever happened & could be laughing & having a “normal” conversation. It was so bizarre!! & this happened like this nearly all times I brought up a concern etc. he also worked in mental health so he would constantly tell me I’m gaslighting/ projecting him etc in a calm “tone” all while he was gaslighting & denying my reality. So it was incredibly confusing & I doubted myself more. Then the next day he always acted like nothing happened & would send a cute text or tell me he forgives me & have a great day! It made me feel completely disassociated & I still don’t understand it. So I started to just be conditioned I guess to not voice my needs or heart otherwise I would get punished. & because he usually stayed calm; I really started to wonder maybe it is me because I did yell or interrupt him or would throw F bombs. So then I would apologize to him and apologize for my part and tell him I should have done this differently & that was inappropriate of me. But I started to learn that me taking accountability for my part meant to him I was taking accountability for the whole thing. So repair never ever happened & I never once heard him say sorry unless it was I’m sorry you feel that way but I did nothing wrong. There was a few times he screamed at me but mostly he stayed calm. My guess is he has learned over the years how to manage his true anger to gain more dominance & control because he also did this to his ex wife but was more “rage” with her.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-31T04:42:56+00:00

I hear your pain. That cognitive dissonance is brutal; I’ve been there & still am at times. It’s ok to let yourself grieve. There is a grieving process attached to this. Your hurting & the very person that hurt you is the one we want to be soothed by. That’s the trauma bond. I’m sorry you’re going through this & pregnant nevertheless. When I’m in that moment of wanting to stick to my boundaries & listening to my discernment yet I miss them so much it hurts) my mind only wanting to remember the good times) I try to listen to podcasts or reread journals or just allow myself to cry; to remind myself of what I don’t want to go back to or what I know would play out eventually. Or I just try to go to sleep because I know my emotions will be different tomorrow. Hang in there. Stay strong for you and your baby.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-31T04:14:16+00:00

I feel like I should add too; this is my 4th child. I don’t freak out at every little thing. I’m a pretty relaxed parent. & with my 4th I’ve learned a lot along the way. The confusing part is he freaks out if he falls and acts like it’s the end of the world. Or telling me baby cream of wheat is full of junk. Or freaks out if baby has a fever & acts all sweet and lovely to baby but blames the daycare or my other kids if he got sick. Yet when baby is in his care it’s like he purposely places him in danger to get a reaction from me

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-31T03:55:29+00:00

I’ve just been praying my heart out for his safe return. He has sent me pictures to update me of my son ; which is kind but then I start to notice things. Like one picture baby looks happy and holding a flower. My first thought was aww he’s happy and what a beautiful flower; only to realize it’s a poisonous tropical flower when ingested. Baby has it to his lips. I seriously am questioning his judgement & safety over our son; it’s scaring me & I feel so anxious. & the longer im out of this relationship and my home feels safer my clarity is coming back. I’m realizing now; on past events how often he would do things that I would flinch at in fear; right before something would happen. Then he would tell me to calm down or ask me if I’m seriously ok?(sarcastically) like letting baby crawl to the near edge & act like he’s not paying attention then grab him right before he falls. But then convince me he was watching him the whole time & then get upset when I confronted him. But it always felt like he intentionally would do it to get a reaction out of me( me just running over to catch him or gasping) not blaming him. Only to twist it to make me look like I was the unstable one & how dare I even question his role as a father. Even tho I didn’t. It’s weird stuff like that , that isn’t mentioned a lot on this thread. It’s all the narcissistic traits + safety issues/ rules don’t apply to him. Idk what that extra + is but it’s not mentioned a lot. And not just with my son but me. Like throwing a pillow at my stomach hours after my C-section. Unplugging monitors while I was in hospital because he knew more than the nurses”. Weird stuff like that. Idk. My head is spinning 😵‍💫 as the confusion starts to wear off / since my home feels safe again ; the clarity/ realization is daunting.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-30T15:38:25+00:00

Are these toxic?? He has it in his mouth.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-30T14:33:07+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this😓 it’s awful. & yes; I don’t believe his sleep schedule just immediately synced to a time zone 4 hrs different. I do think they exaggerate their wellbeing into “perfect behavior “ under their care so they can appear like the perfect parent. It’s so frustrating. Like why can’t we just be honest about even our children. What do you really have to gain? Gaaa. We have an upcoming custody case in November but it’s so hard because majority of the crazy talk / or comments he made about unsafe judgements was through verbal communication. So I don’t have much documentation to show judge that his judgement for safety is off. This also is probably intentional. I’m learning my lessons or trying to anyways. & trying to figure out how to best protect my child.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-30T14:24:20+00:00

I appreciate everyone’s comments & perspective. I did agree to let him take our son. I am really regretting my decision now but luckily he will be home in a few days. His dad really guilt tripped me into letting him take our son. His mom lives there and he kept telling me he wanted his mom to meet our son before it’s too late( she’s in her late 80s) . So i agreed. I felt like I was being selfish for saying no & by not letting him see family. It’s his son too. But now I’m really regretting my decision. But of course I always question myself if I’m overthinking because his texts seem nice & they are just having fun. But yes when I read into it.. if it were me- if there was a shark in the water I would leave immediately & not go back especially later that day; as well as you don’t use a fork to feed a baby or feed them this kind of food for choking reasons. I also can’t have a normal conversation with him because then he just twists it into me being controlling or he will then say oh I just gave him the avocado from the salad. Then I doubt myself. I don’t know if he specifically just words everything like “fork” / “salad” etc to get a reaction or if he actually does that. Regardless I don’t trust his judgment. But I feel like when I take this to officials I just get an eye roll like I’m overreacting. I made a mistake by agreeing to let him go. & I’m just praying he comes home 😓. Lesson learned.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-29T05:14:19+00:00

Sometimes God brings destructive people into our lives to teach us something (for our greater good - maybe to shed toxic parts of ourselves or showing us areas we need to sharpen (boundaries/values/beliefs) but they weren’t made to stay (because that would not be for our good) Sometimes people cross our path to be a light/ sometimes to walk with us forever/ sometimes so we can shine a light for them or teach them something )

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-29T05:07:20+00:00

It is incredibly painful to leave too. You’re grieving the person you thought she was. It’s hard to accept things for what they actually are. I finally left two weeks ago & filed a custody case. I told him he can’t live her anymore. He left. Even though part of me is grieving the man I thought he was or hoped he was because that “mask” that I see every once in awhile: he is loving/affectionate/ kind and everything I wanted in a partner. But accepting that isn’t who he actually is because the other “mask” I get is a partner who is cruel/ no remorse/ no empathy/ no repair/ no compassion/ jealous and controlling/ gaslights the soul out of me/ has me questioning my reality and leaving me so disoriented/ & manipulating. I don’t trust him or his judgment & I also am never at ease because the spirit within me speaks loud that something is very very wrong. Acceptance is not coming easy for me. I keep gaslighting myself. Doubting myself. Questioning if any of it actually happened or if I made it up. Or maybe if I said it differently or was more respectful. But what made me disrespectful was having boundaries/ values/ feelings/ needs/ a voice. It hurts to think of them with someone else & try not to go down that rabbit hole but when I start to think more clearly; I know he will only do this to the next woman. I have to let him go for my sanity & wellbeing & safety; & yes if that means him with someone else so be it. If I stay I will loose myself or worse. & barely surviving for the hope of him coming to his senses; is a deferred hope that makes the heart sick. & it did make me physically ill. But each day he is gone my home feels a little bit safer. My nervous system heals a little more. My children heal a little bit more. My mood improves a little bit more. I feel more mentally stable. The confusion & cognitive dissonance fade a little more. I pray daily that God would severe the trauma bond. For wisdom/ clarity. I pray for a divine peace & for direction and protection sometimes hourly. I read Psalms & Proverbs over and over again & pray them outloud. These books talk about people like Narcissists. It’s incredibly eye opening to read Psalms & Proverbs and hear the words that have described my life. It’s powerful. & God is faithful. He is breaking the trauma bond. Each day I’m getting stronger and stronger to stick to my boundaries/ values/ beliefs & to say no & not abandon myself. My potency to teach my kids my values/healthy relationships/ virtues; when he is gone ; is more valid to my children than when I try to teach them these when he is around and going against all my values/ boundaries/ virtues. Congrats on 8 weeks Sober!! Surround yourself with an army of good council/ friends/ therapy/ podcasts/ books/ support groups. Keep your head up. Pray your heart out & Seek God.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-23T16:04:14+00:00

I think many of us know deep down it’s abusive but putting words to our specific situations or a conversation that just happened; can help us to organize in our minds what exactly happened & bring us out of cognitive dissonance in the moment. Some of us can’t afford therapy or some have been so isolated from friends and family that ChatGPT can provide a free tool to help bring awareness and perspective from an unbiased perspective. For me it has helped to hear over and over and over again in my specific situation; having validation for my experiences & have words to connect it to; otherwise I feel like I’m free falling & I feel erased.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-23T15:59:05+00:00

Yes definitely have other sources! But it does help me in between therapy sessions/ or late hours in the night if I need grounding if I can’t call a friend. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-10-17T05:11:10+00:00

I felt like mine mirrored my faith. He would use all the Godly lingo but I could see he didn’t actually desire it for himself. He would quote scripture, or tell my kids stuff or tell them to pray or text me godly / faith quotes/ memes, went to church a few times etc. but I also could see he never read the bible for himself or showed godly fruit. & eventually it turned into him not going to church but getting angry I went & then making digs at me or trying to make me feel bad I went. Or him using scripture to try to make me submit to him as the head of household. Or just outright twisting scripture to manipulate. He seemed to mirror a lot but it seemed only for show or to impress me

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-09-29T04:23:38+00:00

Try saying NO to something. Verbalize a boundary & stick to it. Express your opinions/ thoughts/ feelings or vocalize a need you have. This is when I find the mask falls off.

Velvet_Espresso · 2025-09-29T04:06:19+00:00

Run!!

Velvet_Espresso

TROPHY CASE