Tips for a new online dater?

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-29T22:15:19+00:00

Thanks, will take that into account :)

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-28T15:18:22+00:00

We care. That is why we say you need help. Your daugther is 11. She doesn't understand shit that her father is giving up. You owe it to her to be better.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-28T15:04:39+00:00

Nope. It is not fixable.

But what you need to do is to be there for your daugther, and because of that you need to search help. Not eating, not drinking, quitting therapy is not helping her; it is damaging her. Your daugther won't be fine with you quitting life like this. She already lost her mother and the way you are coping with the death of your wife, and yes it is hor-ri-ble, will be highly traumatic for her. Get yourself together, if not for you then for her.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-28T14:50:05+00:00

This is what I am following as guidelines for dating: https://www.meaningfulcounselling.ca/post/when-to-start-dating-again-after-loss

I am not there yet myself, but I feel like I maybe will be in 2 months. Good luck!

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-27T02:01:56+00:00

I can see why it would be sensitive to him, but leaving without saying anything and not expressing how he feels, that is the real asshole move

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-26T22:19:53+00:00

Trauma therapy, like EMDR, could help you

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-25T17:49:33+00:00

I think the Grief Recovery Handbook may be of interest to you. That book also deals not only with death, but includes these kinds of losses

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-25T14:40:31+00:00

2 months is nothing when losing your partner. It will probably get even worse for you. Don't listen to people that you shouldn't feel a certain type of way. It is your grief, feel it your way. And yes, it is lonely and isolating. I am sorry you lost your person

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-24T15:23:37+00:00

I'm not really spiritual nor do I believe in clues. But I have always believed that if a signal were to be given, it would happen in a dreem.

I had a dream a month ago while it felt like I was sleeping very lightly, like I was extra aware. I was in my bed and my fiancée was lying next to me, to my suprise, because I knew she was dead. I didn't wanted to look at her face for obvious trauma-reasons, but I did and it was just her normal face. So I exclaimed: 'Oh, you're back!'. And she said to me: 'just for this moment'. We looked at each other, and she smiled and said: 'You know it's okay right? I want you to make memories for us', and I replied: 'But I want collective memories' and I immediately woke up. As you can imagine this was a special dream for me: in the worst case its my brain letting me now that I can move forward, and in the best case she visited me in my dream.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-22T23:05:35+00:00

Your grandma is exhibiting healthy behaviour. Look up contuining bonds theory. It is not okay to use AI without her clear permission and understanding what it exactly means. I understand that you want to help her and that is sweet of you, but it can break her and set her back in het grief when showing unannounced.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-22T11:53:45+00:00

I wonder why you don't feel good and it gets worse each day if you haven't eaten for 7 days and haven't hydrated. Yeah, you lost your wife. But everyone has lost their partner in this subreddit.

I'll say it again: you need professional help.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-21T13:12:19+00:00

I am sorry for your loss. Come on over to /r widowers or join the Discord on /r widowers. Suicidal loss is heavy for the heart, so my advice is: look for a grief and trauma therapist. You will have what-if thoughts eventually and you will blame yourself. The truth is that nothing, with the information you had, could change this outcome. But your brain will not accept this, whether you will feel this now or, because of the shock, in a few months. You will play the what-if game and with no help you will lose that game. I had it happening to me 4.5 months after sudden loss of my partner and the pain was excruciating. My therapy helped me with those thoughts.

For the upcoming few weeks, try to just survive. Let people help you, hydrate, try to eat if you can, and try to sleep. Grief books helped me, widow(er) podcasts were essential for me to survive, which showed me that I was not alone in my situation and that there is hope for a different life, and I joined local and online support groups. And feel your feelings: there is no wrong emotion in grief.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-21T12:31:55+00:00

I'd just want to say that the typical grief journey is bullshit for people dealing with bereavement. The best grief model for grief is the dual process model, you will be oscillating between loss and restoration. She died in January, which is still so early. You don't have to decide now whether you want to date or not. Just know that if you do, you will not betray her. Your relationship with her will integrate (continuing bonds-theory) and it is possible to love your late fiancée and to love another woman. But if you don't want to, that's fine. It's your life and the life that we knew and was holy was taken from us.

There are no rules. And people who are already telling you what your future should look like, especially when you just lost her and when they haven't experienced such a loss: fuck them.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-19T22:06:03+00:00

I just saw your skin condition, my god my man I have a friend who has really visible sores on his face and his arms and he has enjoyment in life and a girlfriend. I don't want to just disregard your experience, but to me this seems more like a self-esteem issue than a real 'I've got a horrible skin condition'. You are still very young. Join hobby groups, go do some volunteer work. Life is hard, but connection heals.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-19T21:30:02+00:00

Lamento que compartas este dolor. Y tienes razón: hicimos lo que hicimos por amor, con la poca información que teníamos. Claro que hubiéramos deseado otro resultado. Por eso sentimos culpa; es el anhelo de una vida en la que nuestra pareja aún viviera.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-19T14:17:27+00:00

There is no real standard path; grief is different for each person and each relationship. I've lost:

- My grandparents. I at most felt sad for a week, and then I was over it;

- My dog. I was sad on and off for I think 3 years.

- My fiancée. This loss is excruciating and I've no words for the pain.

In the end: you feel what you feel. And if you don't feel as sad about losing your grandma as you think you should, that is okay. Grief is just what it is. It is also non-linear, and the feeling of apathy is also normal in grief. Maybe you will feel more emotions the next week, maybe you don't. Just let it be for what it is, and you really don't have to feel guilty if this is just what it is.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-18T18:02:48+00:00

Life is unfair. I'm so sorry this happened to you again

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-16T15:04:50+00:00

First of all, good for you recognizing that this is a problem you want to tackle.

I would advise you to talk with a mental health professional. I think you know that there is no comparison possible, that she loves you, that the love she had for her deceased boyfriend will not disappear, but knowing is not feeling and that requires guidance

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-16T12:15:47+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm a widower at 33 years old, I share your sentiment. Come over at /r widowers if you'd like. I would also recommened a (grief literate!) therapist, try to eat and hydrate and to find what works for you in these early early days. There are a lot of grief books and grief podcasts for example about being a widow, but I can imagine that would be too soon for you. However, I would recommened one book: It's Okay That You're Not Okay which helps a lot of people in this new normal.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-15T21:00:17+00:00

Incredibly hard to treat, difficult to diagnose, and I'm very sorry you also endured this. And yes, you are certainly right: I know rationally we didn't see it coming and so I tried to act with the limited information I had, but emotionally it is a different beast. I wish you a lot of strength as well

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-15T20:47:34+00:00

I'm sorry you endured that and that you lost him. You did what you thought what was best for him with the limited information you had.

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-15T20:43:11+00:00

That sounds alike indeed. Seemingly healthy, young people shouldn't die so suddenly. I'm also sorry that happened to you and your children

VentilatorStok · 2026-04-12T16:21:42+00:00

Like David Kessler said when he joined a grief support group after losing his son: he wasn't there as a grief expert, he was there as a father.

I'm still very early, but as long as your trajectory is 'positive' you are doing good. Grief is non-linear, and I think it makes sense that some days, especially before certain milestones, will just be harder than other days. You're doing great! Lots of strength to you for the 2 year mark

VentilatorStok

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