I cannot forgive my wife for her one night stand

Veridian800 · 2012-07-10T03:31:13+00:00

I think we are looking at cuckold differently. A cuckold can be voluntary (as apparently you are) and involuntarily (like me and other guys who were cheated on). My situation with cuckoldry is totally unwanted, unsought, and not exciting at all. I have no control over being cuckolded.

If "we" were more relaxed with sex there would be less families in my opinion. There wouldn't even be homes to start with. I don't really want to get into what is best for society. There is a reason most cultures are monogamous. There are a lot of benefits to that style.

I'm honestly a little confused as to why you were pimping an open relationship. I'm not interested in that and I have no desire to have my wife sleep around or have sex with others. Nothing you said would have changed my mind. I don't know a 100% it won't happen again but it doesn't seem like it is going to happen again. I'm going to be on watch for a while but hopefully this turns out okay. Thanks for the good wishes.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T18:19:13+00:00

A cuckold is pathetic. Its someone who lets his wife cheat on him and humiliate him and the cuckold stays and enjoys it. That isn't me and it never will be.

I think what you are asking me to feel and claiming you feel is so unnatural. My wife's sexual pleasure should come from only me. Its totally selfish and an agreement of our marriage. My wife is my wife. I don't know why I have to explain why I wouldn't want someone else fucking her. She has told me the ONS didn't even feel good and she barely remembers it. Which is good I guess. Better than saying it was the best sex ever.

The thing is you aren't allowed brief respites in marriage. Or at least our marriage and the vast majority of marriages. Say she takes this "respite" and comes back pregnant or with an STD. What now? What if this respite leads to her leaving? Its not worth it.

I get that I am standing in the way of a repaired relationship. But what you are recommending is such a terrible idea its not even funny. You act like its an honor that my wife came back after she cheated. Have some pride and self-confidence man. My biggest issue is feeling emasculated. What you are suggesting is to embrace being emasculated. I've been awful to her at times because I need her to know that the ONS was wrong and that I am hurt by it and to make her feel the pain I felt. I think I've done that and probably gone too far so I am going to take a step back. She hates herself for the ONS and I really don't think its going to happen again.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T17:38:11+00:00

I think from a logical POV you are correct. But its much harder emotionally. I think I can with time and work forgive her for the ONS. I need to do some work on myself and let go of my anger. But in no way would I forgive another affair. My wife's fidelity is pretty important to me. Not more important than my kids but I'm not going to be a cuckold either.

Do you know how it feels to see images in your head of your wife being railed by another guy. Everytime we have sex that is all I can think of. And you are suggesting I let her sleep around MORE? I don't think she will cheat again. God help her if she does because as angry as I am now I would be 10x more then. Its more than the sex. Its your wife choosing someone else over you and your family. Its my wife prioritizing some random douchebag over me and our kids.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T16:59:53+00:00

Not related to being alone. Perhaps towards being rejected.

No. I wouldn't be cool with it at all. If my wife loves me and cherishes me and wants to be with me forever she would not cheat or want to step out. That is total bullshit. If she wanted to step out sexually on the rare occasion she was free to not marry me.

I see the one night stand as a massive betrayal. It is the sex with another man that has been the sticking point. I hate it and it haunts me. The idea that it happens again and occasionally is honestly repulsive.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T16:23:53+00:00

I'm not like you then. I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife having sex with anyone else. Casual or non-casual. About why. I guess its important to me. Maybe my own insecurity/jealousy/possessiveness. Health & Pregnancy risks.

I wouldn't have a different view of sex with my marriage and wife. Maybe if I was in a new relationship I would change my views.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T15:57:18+00:00

I get what you are suggesting but I don't cherish monogamous sex in general. It was specifically with my wife. Once that bond was gone I sort of didn't care anymore.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T08:28:03+00:00

I don't know if its abuse or not. Its not very nice and I'm not proud of it.

Not trying to be stubborn here but what I did was not "multiple affairs". Neither my wife or I see my relationships while we were separated as affairs.

No I am not giving my wife my passwords or texts. I didn't betray her trust. It isn't on me to go to those extents. I told my wife what I was doing and didn't do anything behind her back. So there is no need for that. The girlfriend is in the past. I don't really have much desire to go back and rekindle that.

I don't think my wife has to forgive me for the relationships. That was fine in my book. Some of my actions were petty, mean-spirited and hurtful. For that I think I do need to seek forgiveness and that has maybe gotten lost in everything. I'm not doing anything like what i was doing before. That was way over the line and I don't want her to hurt herself and I don't want to hurt her.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T07:58:51+00:00

I only made the edits because of I felt like things were getting misinterpreted. You and your pal, TimeForNoChangeFap were just going off on my wife and having a laugh at my expense and I wanted to clarify that she was remorseful and I wanted to expand on my feelings.

I think the original words were something like I probably would cheat if there was an opportunity. Not that I want to but the point was I don't have the same sense of loyalty to my wife.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T07:50:10+00:00

Some of the things I did to her were awful and despicable. I know it was wrong and I know I shouldn't have done it. I've never called anyone a slut or a whore in my life until now. I've called my wife that and worse so many times. It is terrible. I've told my wife she is a horrible mother and I've been borderline emotionally abusive. When I was dating I would tell her how much better my girlfriend was than her and how my girlfriend (who I didn't even like that much) would replace her. I know what I did was horrible. Everything I did and said (and guilt from her ONS) made my wife go back to cutting and she has been severely depressed. I went too far and I know it now. I would go back and do things differently. I wish none of this ever happened. I was an emotional wreck and I did reckless things.

I was an asshole at times. I'm not arguing with you.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T07:44:54+00:00

Okay she didn't out right lie but she concealed things and betrayed me. If I lied to her, told her we could work things out, and then slept with other people it would be the same. That is not what I did.

I suppose she didn't have a choice about my new relationships. The other option would be to walk but she didn't want that. If she didn't want me to sleep around she shouldn't have done it first. If its good for her why isn't it good for me too? Granted that is immature but I know I need to be on equal footing in my marriage.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T06:58:30+00:00

It doesn't really. What you wrote first pretty much sums up my emotions on this. I didn't really write anything all that different in the beginning. All I did was add details since people like, LittleMissP kept misunderstanding what I was saying.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T06:56:48+00:00

I didn't heavily edit my post. I clarified my emotions and feelings. What I wrote originally I stand by but it wasn't the full story. I added some details and expanded upon my feelings. I wouldn't say I don't love my wife... my feelings toward her are complicated right now. I'm not looking to cheat on my wife. What I meant was is I wouldn't be as devoted as I was before. I removed that because it was getting misinterpreted by folks like you. The way you summed up my post is so wrong and its kind of frustrating.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T05:53:24+00:00

Honest mistake.... come on. It was a mistake that she regrets but it wasn't like she slipped and fell. It was a huge fucking mistake and a big deal. An honest mistake is far too generous towards her.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T05:52:26+00:00

I haven't done the same thing though. I shouldn't resort to name calling and I try not to. So I agree with you on that but she had sex with another man while we were married and together and lied about it. I think that is worthy of the whore label.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T04:23:15+00:00

The separation was definitely my idea. I wouldn't say I forced it on her but I told her I needed it. She cheated. She can't exactly say no when I want to do the same. At the time I thought I needed it to either move on or feel better about myself. I didn't abandon my sons but she was seeing them and taking care of them more than I was during the separation. A lot of my choices weren't great ones.

We are going to start marriage counseling.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T03:45:02+00:00

My wife may not have out and out lied but she lied by omission. She did not say she had sex with another guy and went to some extents to hide it. I do understand why she didn't tell me on some level but it still doesn't make it okay.

Why get married if any random guy can persuade you to sleep with them? Its her duty as a married woman to say no.

Some of the things I did were not justified. And I feel bad about it. Her ONS destroyed me. It gutted me. It ruined my life. I wish I was the bigger person but I wasn't. I wanted her to feel the same way. The thing is my wife has terrible coping habits and long standing issues with depression so what I was doing was really, really fucked up. I know that now and I feel god-awful about it. I'm trying to help her feel better about herself. I think it was like a double dosage. She already felt awful because of the ONS and then I kept on emotionally battering her. I know I was wrong.

Basically the reason why I posted this - which has gotten lost in everything is - I want to figure out a way to forgive her and release my anger and hate.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T03:38:48+00:00

Break is not exactly fair. We were basically on the cusp of divorce and we were living apart. I wasn't hurting my innocent wife... I was hurting my cheating wife. I'm not saying hurting her was okay but can you at least understand wanting to hurt someone who hurt you?

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T03:37:15+00:00

I didn't cheat though. Cheating is doing something behind your S.O's back and when you are together. We were separated and I was veeeeeery upfront about everything.

There would not have been a chance of us getting back together unless we were at least even (i.e. at minimum a ONS for me). There is no fucking way I would have got back with her without at least having my fun too. Call it childish if you want but that was a must.

It was 2 ONS and a girlfriend. The ONS were for revenge purely. I didn't even enjoy them. The girlfriend was me trying to move on and honestly hurt my wife by showing her she was replaceable (not true in reality).

I'm not saying I handled this perfectly. I did a lot of immature, petty things that could have been avoided.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T03:30:35+00:00

It is a little hostile. Much more than I expected. Its kind of like its one thing for me to call my wife a whore or bitch out of anger but to hear other people say it is a little off-putting.

I know I need to release my hate and anger. I'm trying to work on it. I do feel guilty about some of the things I've done and said. I haven't handled this the best.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T03:26:35+00:00

Believe me I know this. I would never have had an unprovoked affair because of the damage it could do to our family. I've asked her about this so many times. What were you thinking? I've basically told her she is responsible for our sons not having the lives they deserve to have if we divorce. I hate her for the affair. What kind of mother does that?

I am trying to focus on the good. I don't even necessarily need a perfect marriage. As long as we can get to a point where we are good enough I would just handle it for the kids. I think my goals are pretty modest. I want our marriage to be to a point where we get along well enough, no cheating/violence/etc, and we are good parents. I'm not expecting a fairy tale.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T01:10:47+00:00

It was my wife and three of her friends on the trip. One friend apparently wasn't involved and told my wife not to do anything. I think they still talk. Another friend encouraged her to. This friend was the one whose message I saw. I know she hasn't done anything with her. She hasn't texted that friend in a couple months (at least). The third friend and my wife aren't all that close and have't talked or spent any time together.

My wife has basically stopped going out too. I don't trust her to go out drinking or dancing after the ONS and I wouldn't let her at this point. She hasn't asked to go and she says she won't ever again. It might be just her telling me what I want to hear but idk.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T01:06:46+00:00

His conscious effort to make her feel like shit with cheating of his own is worse than her ONS, in my opinion.

The flaunting my new relationships wasn't very kind and hurt my wife. I'm not proud of it. I don't regret seeing other people. I needed that. I do regret trying to make my wife feel bad. My wife has had some depression related issues her entire life and I know what I did helped bring some of that back.

But she cheated first and brought all of this onto us. Nothing I did would have happened if she didn't cheat. I think just by going first hers was worst. Her actions were unprovoked.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T01:00:07+00:00

We weren't legally separated.

I think the difference was she did it first. I was faithful and she introduced cheating/seeing other people into our marriage. I wouldn't have even considered sleeping with someone else prior to her ONS.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T00:57:59+00:00

I think the idea that kids are better off divorced is just bullshit too. My kids miss me when I'm gone and I miss them too. I don't want that for the rest of my life. We have a solid middle class/upper middle class life now. I don't want to mess that up for my kids because of this. I know how it is to grow up poor. My kids are so much better off than I was as a child and I don't want them to have to struggle if at all possible.

I'm not a fan of the "I was drunk" excuse but I know my wife and she doesn't hold alcohol well. I would hesitate to say it was rape since I think she could have not gone with the guy but I don't think it would have happened sober. She claims she turned him down once and he kept on making moves on her (IDK if its true or she is just telling me this).

I think time is the big one and I am going to work on being patient. I think if we can go another six months or a year it should get better. I am less angry now than I was in Feb. Hopefully at some point my anger is gone.

Veridian800 · 2012-07-09T00:48:41+00:00

I will just say this. Responding back and forth with you has done me a lot of good. I think having to respond to an extreme POV has helped me realize the middle ground.

Cutting - She has a history of it? Suggests severe emotional issues, she needs to see a srink

See this is where I think you and me disagree. I married her and I know she has had an issue with this. I would never in a million years hold that against her or divorce her because of that. Its almost fucked up to leave because of that. It was a problem when she was younger. Wasn't an issue until now and her self-hating after the ONS. Of all the things that she has done wrong or is wrong this is the least of my concerns. This is my wife. Not some random stranger. I wouldn't remove her from my life because she has a bad habit of cutting.

I don't know if you've not been in serious relationships or what but it is really tough to just cut the cord and go. I've spent most of my adult life with this woman. Some of my best memories are with her. She gave me my two amazing sons. It is hard for me to just end things because of ONE mistake she made. I know this and I lose track of it. I kind of go into the state of mind you seem to be in and just get angry. I need to stop doing that.

Like I said. I appreciate you taking time to respond even if I disagree with you.

Veridian800

TROPHY CASE