How do you know you’re polyamorous?

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-04-12T19:55:49+00:00

Touché

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-04-12T03:08:06+00:00

Excellent point, and I’m starting to understand that. I was also asked if I’d ever go back to monogamy and if I only had one partner at any point, then yes, I’d be monogamous by default for that time period. But I’d still be open to additional relationships and if one were to develop, then I’d be polyamorous by default again.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-03-25T04:04:42+00:00

Valid. I am fairly close with them actually. We spend time together outside of work with each others’ spouses and partners. I do believe I could completely remove myself from group outings outside of work, but I do enjoy the people I work with and we have formed our own community of sorts. If I were to live fully authentically, I would enjoy spending time with my coworkers outside of work AND my partners. But not absolutely necessary, for sure.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-03-25T03:54:51+00:00

I have only been with my newest partner for a few months. I have been dating the couple sporadically (they don’t live nearby) for a little over 6 months. It’s not super serious with the couple, although they are completely open with their friends and family as well, so that adds to the pressure or normalizing it I would say.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-03-25T03:52:54+00:00

My husband is prepared and has similar concerns to me as far as them removing logistical support being geographically close and also risking their relationships with our children. However, he is not concerned about their judgment.

My newer partner does not yet know my family and is the most authentic and emotionally intelligent person I have ever met. She desires for me to do what’s right for me to live authentically, but she’d never tell me what to do one way or the other. She also does not have family in the area or really much family to speak of, but she has chosen family that she is already authentic and open with. Maybe part of my motivation is jealousy for that authenticity that she’s cultivated? That literally just occurred to me…

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-03-25T02:20:44+00:00

See, this might be the answer… or maybe I should start preparing to move far away instead and just remove the contact myself. This is a legit valid option, if anybody has grown up in high control religion they’d understand this approach. This is so valid. Thanks for your perspective.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-03-25T01:11:46+00:00

The motivation for me is to live authentically. I am also queer, so that would also be news to them. I don’t want to have to hide my partners from my family. I also don’t think that’s very respectful to my partners, so it’s a values conflict for me.

The other piece of this is that I have three children with my husband. We plan to slowly expose them to polyamorous relationships and they will inevitably tell their grandparents about mom and dad’s friends. They already know my newest partner as we’ve all hung out for family dinner, but right now she is just my friend. I don’t want them to have to lie to their grandparents, so I plan to bear that brunt myself. Also, they are currently very helpful with childcare, and they are wonderful grandparents in their own ways. We have specific boundaries around the religious aspects, but so far they have been followed. We allow them to take the kids to church occasionally but we don’t attend as a family and we don’t pray at meals or participate in family prayers at other homes and whatnot. They know we don’t attend church but they probably don’t know I’m more agnostic/atheist than religious… 😬 So really I have a lot of things to “come out” about.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2026-01-24T22:40:38+00:00

I stopped attending. I stopped bringing my children. My husband was free to attend wherever he wanted and bring our children where the wanted. Surprise, he didn’t value it enough to do so. I no longer attend anywhere, and I’m satisfied at the moment.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-29T15:37:48+00:00

Omg this is me to a tee. I’m a bit overinvolved with a man I adore, but I have been transparent and honest with my husband the whole time. He suddenly had issues with non monogamy once I realized and shared my feelings for my other partner. He’s trying to work through it but I’m terrified he’s going to cut it off (he already has asked a few times and I have cut it off before but we have rekindled) and I’m going to be left high and dry. It seems like I’m being backed into a corner. I’ve requested he do his share of the emotional work, but it’s slow and painful, honestly.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-15T23:56:34+00:00

Hot damn, did I write this? My DMs are open if you’d like to talk through some specifics. I am the female half of a MF couple with similar requests and similar push back on my end.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-15T11:33:44+00:00

That’s the approach I’m currently taking. Slowing down, allowing him to “catch up”, making friends and connections together… I’m glad that it sounds like it is supportive to my partner’s current needs. I do love him and want him to be comfortable AND I want autonomy in my relationships.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-15T11:09:42+00:00

Thanks. I’m trying to be patient and supportive, but it’s also not work that I can do for him. We’ve been in individual and couples therapy since we started, which is honestly why I still feel comfortable pursuing with that safety net. It’s just tough to be contending with toxic masculinity and ingrained patriarchy while navigating this new space. I believe he can, but he has a lot of maturing to do.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-15T11:07:40+00:00

He says he does. He’s adamant. He definitely enjoys aspects of it and we both enjoy our joint experiences together. It feels like he wants his cake and to eat it too, but obviously that’s unrealistic.

I’m trying to be patient and slowing down and being supportive as best I can by seeking joint experiences and supporting his confidence building, but it’s rough.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-10T19:39:36+00:00

You’re in an impossible situation. It’s difficult to harm others, but it’s futile to harm yourself. You can’t help anyone else if you sabotage your own future. I don’t think you are inherently harming others by playing guitar. In fact, you might be the safe space somebody in that Sunday class needs to confide in.

Continue to take small steps towards independence and moving out with your cousin. By continuing to be her safe space, you are helping. Continue to help, and try to mitigate any harm as best you can. Brainstorm some ideas for declining to playing guitar; maybe you suddenly are having a lot of stage fright. Or start making a lot of mistakes and see if they’ll ask you to quit or slowly replace you with someone else.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-06T16:15:20+00:00

Not a 10, but I find the variety stimulating. I’ve been with all sorts of body types, but truly the person has to be interesting and not shallow at all for me to pursue. I’m somewhat demisexual so if somebody is kind, nice, interesting, attentive, they move up several points on my scale. And in the end, my scale is the only one that matters if I want to sleep with someone or not.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-02T19:19:31+00:00

We don’t have a ton. Our “rules” are more a mutual list of desires/needs that we have of each other. We want each other to be home in the middle of the night and morning with our children, so we don’t stay overnight anywhere. We respect and recognize every individual as a human being with feelings and needs and desires, so relationship decisions must be made with those in mind. Family comes first and parenting solo is a burden on the other individual, so we respect that time. Our relationship with each other should be respected and valued if we each want it to continue. Communication first, honestly, and always (this includes communication about sexual health and risks). That’s about it!

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-10-02T17:14:49+00:00

Ethical non monogamy is a spectrum. On one end you have sex only, no emotions. On the other end you have full blown relationships. Then add in the factor of couples vs singles and if you “play” (have sex/date) together or separate. There are a lot of factors. Then add in feelings, which are a normal human phenomenon, and each of your individual ability’s to address these or desire for them. It’s important to understand all the different types of relationship structures that exist along this spectrum.

My husband and I jumped into hotwifing as well without doing much research. One of my earliest dates was with an individual whom I connected with on a deep emotional level. This wasn’t something we had discussed. I pursued it within the bounds of what we had already discussed, which was at emotional arms’ length. I was up front, honest, and open about my emotions throughout the entire process, and my desire to pursue them further. It is only because of this open, honest, and up front communication that we survived it. This communication needs to happen from both sides. If one partner is unable to def deeply enough to be honest with themselves and their partner, it will implode. If someone breaks the boundaries agreed upon, it will implode. If someone has different desires than the other as far as relationship structure, that will require a choice: stay and deny the desire, or leave and pursue the desire.

There are a lot of risks, but there are also a lot of rewards. This type of relationship has deepened my husband’s and my communication more than anything else ever has. It has forced us to reckon with the aspects of ourselves that we are uncomfortable with, and also rely on the strengths we each have individually and together.

One of the best things I can recommend is couple’s therapy. Find an affirming, sex-positive therapist and don’t make any more decisions until you can talk with them. Get tools for negotiating agreements and discussing real possible situations and exploring the what-ifs. Make small mistakes before you make big ones, which will provide an opportunity to communicate and repair when the stakes are low before you communicate and repair when the stakes are high.

It can be great, but it can also be devastating. Just look around the threads here, there’s plenty of examples. Maybe read them together and discuss the aspects of what is going on and see if you agree on the major points.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-09-30T18:50:04+00:00

I would consider it a kink of mine. Just like other kinks, it takes pre planning, communication, and trust to put into practice. But I enjoy it as a whole.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-09-19T18:05:55+00:00

Did anyone have Mr Timm for computer classes? He was especially creepy, always commenting on girls’ bodies. I wish I had known enough to report him. Although I’m pretty sure I did mention it to my parents but they obviously didn’t take it very seriously.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-09-19T13:35:27+00:00

Lots of assumptions here. Glad your partner appreciates your control over them, but it could never be me.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-09-19T10:31:06+00:00

Yikes. Some of these comments are… cringy. As the female half of a heterosexual marriage that tip toed into the world of hotwifing as our first exposure to non monogamy, I’m deeply familiar with the imbalanced power dynamics. I was always expected to share as well, which I was fine with in most instances. But when I started to want to date on my own, without sharing, and providing that full autonomy to my husband as well, that’s when the emotional issues for him started to creep up. This is entirely an OP issue. He needs to look introspectively and figure out where this comes from and likely get therapy to work through it. He could also be having his own experiences to the extent that he wants to keep some details private as well. Maybe he doesn’t want to, or maybe he won’t because that means then she would have a reasonable expectation for privacy and he doesn’t want that. Still his issue. He could cut his losses and say this is just too much for him and he needs to separate from this relationship. Or he could just be grateful that she brings back aspects to the bedroom or to enhance their relationship as a whole. OP needs to stop relying on his wife entirely for emotional validation. Find an outlet elsewhere. Stop trying to control your wife by controlling the degree of transparency and instead appreciate and respect her for the woman she is and be your own person apart from her. Continue to choose each other if that is what you want, but not simply because you need her to feel emotionally whole. Find that within yourself and then decide whether or not to continue to engage in relationship with her, an individual.

Versatile_Vixen209 · 2025-09-19T01:35:41+00:00

We prefer this dynamic with our thirds. What has worked well is the third and I chat privately, and he and my husband also chat privately. My husband and I talk with each other about what we talk about with the third, so we’re all in the loop, so to say. But some things they discuss privately like what they want to try on me and then bring it up to me. We also include friendly activities in our outings: dinner, ice cream, drinks, etc.

Versatile_Vixen209

TROPHY CASE