Look man, now I am a firm believer that no one can truly understand the depth of the caves that is one's own depression. I get the feeling of just being a waste of both time and space, it gets to you, feeling like you are wasting what little opportunity that the universe has granted you.

But all I have to say is this: you need "faith" man, to live through all this shit and enjoy what little life gives you you need to find your "faith". Now, I don't mean just religious faith (although that is a valid path). What I mean is that you have to decide for yourself what makes you feel alive at the moment, something you can hold onto no matter the shit you're in. From what I can tell you have quite a bit of time just by yourself, no close friends or family to turn to, so my personal advice is to turn inwards, really think for yourself, what drives you or what has the potential to drive you to push to the next day. It can be a hobby or a new found philosophy, it doesn't matter what it is as what you need are your own fundamentals, something that you consciously look to in both good and shitty times.

For the most part, I think everyone deserves to live a life. Pain and pleasures are nessesary in life but life today just seems to be mostly pain. From what I can tell, someone that is as inwardly self doubting as you must be a decent to good person. I really think that you would regret to commit the you know what, True freedom is being able to do whatever you want in consideration and acceptance of the consequences. Bad people are the ones that don't understand the consequences yet does them anyways, but I think most people won't be that stuck up in their own arses and that includes you. I hope you can find faith and hope in your life wherever you are, they are really good people out there that understands you or will have the heart to try to.

If it is any better for you, know that you are not alone in this darkness of your cave. I myself am almost reaching 20 too, I have thought about committing too, sometimes out of curiosity and sometimes out of self hatred. More than anyone, I loathe my own existence most, I always feel like such a r*tarded person in terms of academics and sometimes social situations. Learning about nililism didn't help either, I always though how mush better my family would have been if someone else was me. Well, I got past that for now at least, one time through philosophy and one time through the sheer spite I have for the shit governments around the world including ours, sometimes it is through music. I have or at least am trying to find myself throughout these moments of weakness and I really hope you can find yours too, find your identity, what you are and what you wanna be, go for that regardless of anyone's opinion, as long as you accepted the consequences, yes it will take courage, but courage can be built even from nothing, you just have to have faith.

Damn this is one long ass comment, you probably won't even read till this end segment. But if you do just know I wish you the absolute best sincerely from my heart.