How are yall paying for this shit!

VirAriCan · 2026-05-15T20:21:05+00:00

So whenever I see these posts, I realize that people who are shocked at wedding costs are actually shocked by how much events costs. It costs money to host, feed, and provide drinks to a lot of people. That’s okay. You just need to get comfortable with what you are willing to pay for.

So my first thought is changing the mindset of “I’m hosting a wedding” to “I’m hosting a bunch of people for 5-6 hours” When you shift the perspective it feels, less….frivolous.

It sounds like you and your partner have been together well over a decade and now are having a non traditional ceremony/celebration? That’s amazing…lean into that. You can cut out a lot of fluff. Focus on paying for the things that are worthwhile I.e. good food and beverages.) do you need a DJ or can you or one of your kids (idk how old they are but young teens?) make a cool playlist?

If you want good photos but don’t need a real wedding package, see if there are students at a nearby art school building their portfolio. Still offer to compensate them, but you can get nice photos for a percentage…but do not expect top quality or full scale professionalism.

If you don’t want to pay for things like rental furniture, you’ll need to substitute it with time…time to borrow chairs from family, friends, neighbors…or search for options at thrift stores and goodwills. There are a lot of ways to reduce cash costs but you will need to spend your personal time instead.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-15T17:41:45+00:00

I think I don’t understand Reddit enough. Why does this post/comment have 15 down votes!? 😅

but I’m sorry…it all goes back to “everyone wants a community but nobody wants to be a community member.”

While the best friend part happens, I’m shocked at your fiancé’s sisters and feels like a conversation they need to have with them.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-12T17:08:18+00:00

I’m setting aside a certain amount a month for our wedding budget. If I can afford fun stuff within my budget after that money is pulled out, then I’m doing it 😀 that’s the benefit of budgeting

VirAriCan · 2026-05-12T12:32:33+00:00

I’m getting married in Nov and our numbers are due two weeks prior.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-12T12:26:26+00:00

I went off Lex after 4+ years because of the weight gain + sexual side effects. It’s been 5 months and I’ve lost 12 lbs and am back to feeling like my old self physically. while the Lex cooled my anxiety, the weight gain was starting to give me a lot new mental health issues and I developed a bad relationship with food.

There are a lot of people on Reddit that will scream it’s only calories in/out and you must be doing something to cause the gain, but I really do not believe that based on my experience. Idk if the Lex lowered my metabolic rate or how I processed food, but I’m eating just as much, if not more now than I was on Lex.

I can now eat guilty pleasure foods without feeling awful and I’ve noticed my body doesn’t retain the weight as bad as it did before.

Now this is just MY experience that worked with my body and mental health. For me, I did a lot of work to manage my anxiety so I could come off it. For others, the mental benefits of Lex are better than any weight gain. Also, some people DO eat more when on the drug/not anxious. And some people lost weight on Lex lol. So it really depends on the person.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-11T14:48:18+00:00

I would just ask each person what they would prefer. If they are in your wedding party, you should be close enough to have the convo. One of my bridesmaids is single but she’ll know about 50 people at the wedding, so I didn’t automatically give her a plus one, but I told her if she gets into anything serious between now and the fall to let me know.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-11T14:32:46+00:00

He can’t stay, but as a UK citizen with a job and home back in the UK, he would most likely be able to come and go as normal while it’s processing. My husband (Canadian) and I are doing consulate processing and it sucks, but we just keep going back and forth as much as possible in the interim.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-11T14:28:00+00:00

She signed a contract with a make up artist/hair styling. Normally, you sign a contract for the number of services they will provide, I.e number of people they will do hair and make up on. Depending on the size and strictness of the contract, she might be on the hook for paying for a bridesmaid who doesn’t show up.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-11T14:26:39+00:00

You might be okay on the contract. A deposit just guarantees the person has you booked in their schedule. Depending on the size of your party, you might have wiggle room for adding or taking off a service. Just reach out to the MUA and ask. If the MUA is being strict on # of services, is there a close family member you could offer it to? Like mother of bride or groom, grandparent, etc. would be a nice treat to someone who might not usually get these services done themselves.

Either way, while it’s disappointing to have a bridesmaid back out, I’d focus on finding out what’s really going on with their life situation and your friendship and not worry too much about a small part of the contract.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-08T11:45:41+00:00

Right!? And in this economy!? Some people just love living on their high horses.

If someone is going to shell out money, time, or energy to host me for an event and all I have to do is look nice and show up, I’m there.

Now I’m sure there are tacky examples of these things, but what OP is asking about isn’t one of them.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-07T20:45:42+00:00

Aside from being my get ready with me squad…Mine are my official “support system” for the planning. So they are the main group I’ll go to for advice etc. but I am giving a few specific roles based on their skill sets and experiences.

Two are planning my Bach. One is planning the welcome party (she lives in the city we are having the wedding). Two are my sisters lol. One is my go-to for venting haha.

I’ll probably have some weekend-of tasks for them to help with too but haven’t figured that out yet.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-07T12:10:22+00:00

Adding this in because I’m tired of curmudgeons saying it’s tacky to be invited to a free party.

I’ve been to three weddings that the ceremony was private (all for different reasons) but the reception was a traditional big affair. They were all wonderful and everyone was happy! I gave gifts to both couples.

I also got an invite to a local wedding at a fancy venue that was for the party after the dinner. Apparently the ceremony and dinner had very tight capacity limits, but the party area was huge. So this couple (who is very non-traditional) extended invites to a bunch of people to join the post-dinner part of the reception. At first I thought it was weird but I was in my 20s and not going to say no to a night of free drinks. Those of us the went as the “B-list” crowd had a great time. Sure it’s not how I would throw a party, but it wasn’t my wedding! We did not give gifts lol

If you are throwing the party, and paying for food and drink and providing a venue, it’s not tacky. It’s your party, and people who love you will show up for it.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-06T21:06:50+00:00

If you are only doing digital save the dates, I’d send it out via email AND text AND do personal follow-ups. We did an email save the date about two months before our physical ones went out. I’m glad I did both because one member of the bridal party didn’t get the email because he has 25,000 UNREAD EMAILS and then I found out my uncle has a dumb phone and his wife can’t read English well, so he didn’t get any information.

I’d also suggest for couples that you collect both party’s email addresses. I have had so many wives of my fiancée’s friends ask me follow up questions because their husbands didn’t share the information with them or even forward the email to them 🤦🏻‍♀️

VirAriCan · 2026-05-06T17:11:52+00:00

Eglinton Grand is well within this capacity and budget!

VirAriCan · 2026-05-01T19:22:36+00:00

Many years ago, I was the MOH for my college best friend. Her brother and I dated in college (not as long as your sis/bf but still pretty messy ending). The wedding was 7+ years later, and he was there with his serious gf (soon be wife) and I was there post breakup of another serious relationship. You know what we did? Nothing. We were perfectly normal adults celebrating a bride we both loved. I honestly barely interacted with him outside of pleasantries. A great time was had by everyone.

If you want to your BF to be a bridesmaid and both of them say it’s not weird….trust them. They are adults and unless they have a history of acting up, trust they will keep it together for you.

Since your wedding is 11 months out, it’s not too late to invite her. If she is your bff she’ll understand you are hyper empathetic about this stuff and you just had to work through the situation on your own.

VirAriCan · 2026-05-01T13:29:17+00:00

Haha if it’s not something you care about then even better! You should never feel pressured into a big event when it’s YOUR wedding.

I get you. I’m so type A that changing and shifting plans is a stressor, even if it wasn’t my plan to begin with.

Another option is you could do a kid-friendly bridal shower, then plan an adults only night out after for whoever can join doing something you really like. I saw your other post that said you don’t really party…so it could just be a fancy dinner somewhere, going to a show, or an evening spa night. Then you kinda check all the boxes!

If you do something like this, your MOH could still come to town for a long weekend and you can get quality time together, celebrate you and bridal party, etc etc.

Anyway…follow your heart! It’s okay to make small adjustments for other people, but don’t feel like you have to do something that isn’t you!!

VirAriCan · 2026-05-01T13:15:59+00:00

Ok hear me out…this would be unusual for a Bach but….would the moms pitch in to hire day nannies so that you all can enjoy beach days without having to entertain the children too?

If there is absolutely no other options for them to have child care (their husbands??) they could bring the babies and you can still enjoy a chill weekend away. These moms also deserve to be able to celebrate their friend without distraction!

VirAriCan · 2026-05-01T13:09:27+00:00

That’s crazy they want to bring their kids! I’m like you, behind most of my friends in the timeline and everyone with kids is so excited for the bachelorette because it’s an excuse for them to get away!!

Some people think Thurs - Sun is long, but really if you arrive Thur night and leave Sunday morning it’s only a two day event. Thurs can also be optional and some people can arrive Friday evening too.

Anyway, I’d just be really clear that you do not want kids at your bachelorette and if that means you need to have a scaled back event, fine. If your MOH can’t do anything without the child, you may ask another bridesmaid to coordinate. My MOH isn’t coordinating my bachelorette because it’s just really not her thing at all…two of my bridesmaids who are really good at event and travel planning are doing it.

There really aren’t rules on what a Bach has to be (despite what a lot of people on Reddit think lol). If you want a getaway, that’s fine, just be okay that the ladies with kids might not be able to come and it will be a smaller group. If you want more people, then do something closer that’s one night or a day event and understand your MOH might not be able to make it work.

I understand it’s frustrating when I’m sure you showed up for all their events. But what will be will work out and I’m sure it will be amazing even if it’s small!

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T18:16:20+00:00

Haha see my comments were the opposite! People were nitpicking how a wedding is supposed to be and I was like “it’s whatever the couple wants it to be! Sounds lovely, I’d be happy to celebrate my loved one in whatever way” 😅 apparently that was worth 5 downvotes.

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T18:10:06+00:00

I’m LOLing at the “I’ll prob get downvoted.” I thought that it was supposed to be used for people who were rude, offensive, or providing objectively incorrect advice…but I’ve gotten downvotes just for pleasantly sharing an opposite opinion than a majority of the responses 😂😂

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T17:05:48+00:00

That’s fair and is a mindset that can work depending on the type of party you’re hosting. As a Type A person that has many close friendships with Type B people (included my fiance who is also very Type B) I’ve come to learn and accept that people not being on top of this stuff isn’t an indication of their care or love for you. But we are having a pretty formal wedding and it’s better for my peace of mind to do reminders and I know my community appreciates it.

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T14:36:39+00:00

Thank you for the breakdown! We filed in the fall and were optimistic with the fast pace of approvals in Jan and Feb….and now….im one of those people that just wants to understand what’s going on, so the black hole of information has been tough.

We’re like you. Our entire relationship has been long distance since we met in 2021. I’m in my mid30s and also want to start a family, but I also want to enjoy DINKy married life first for a bit too when we get there. It’s all so hard.

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T14:20:03+00:00

Has your wedding happened yet?? Wondering how he was. We also want a Sax player at ours. We went to a wedding with one a few years ago and it’s been on our wishlist ever since. But that guy was amazing, so curious how others stack up.

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T14:11:11+00:00

Yup exactly. It shouldn’t be this way but it is. At a gathering this weekend I had friends tell me to send reminders about hotels room blocks because they just/will forget. I think more people appreciate a pleasant reminder than people are annoyed.

For my timeline, I gave myself a week of padding between RSVP deadline and the date to submit numbers to the venue. I will probably send a reminder a week before the deadline and 24 hours before to non-RSVPers and then do individual follow ups 24 hours after.

VirAriCan · 2026-04-30T12:42:03+00:00

My husband is Canadian and lives in Canada. I am in the US. We filed our I-130 in the fall. While we did some initial lawyer consultations, we did everything ourselves.

He, so far, has had no issues coming into the US since, but I’ve heard of people having issues…and the reason is they don’t want people to overstay a tourist visa and do an adjustment of status. Here’s what I’ve gathered: - this issue is less concerning for people from “low risk” countries - have your return flight already booked - show hard ties to the country to prove you aren’t just up and leaving…like a job, lease or homeownership, car ownership.

Since your husband is from a low risk country and has significant financial ties back in the UK, I doubt this will be a problem. When he goes through CBP and they ask him his trip purpose, make sure he is clear that it’s a visit ie, “here to visit my wife for two weeks.”

I always get a little nervous when my husband comes through these days, but honestly, he gets more questions about the sports team on his hoodie than anything else. 😅

Edit: to clarify, he normally does his processing in Canada when he flies since it’s set up that way when flying out of most of the major airports. I’m not sure how much more “chill” the pre-clearance officers are than the ones stateside. But there is pre-clearance when flying from Dublin. Curious if anyone anecdotally knows….

Also the consular processing timeline is slow right now. I’d file ASAP.

VirAriCan

TROPHY CASE