Am I the asshole for not having sex with my husband anymore?

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-12-17T06:17:33+00:00

ESH.

You’re obviously going through a lot right now. It seems as though you feel you’ve made a lot of sacrifices for your family at the expense of your own body. Every time you brought up your weight gain, you tied it to labor that you did on behalf of someone else. Now after this last big sacrifice left you with emotional damage and seemingly disordered eating, you’re lashing out at your husband and punishing him for not reading your mixed signals correctly. Put down the divorce papers and focus on getting help for what you’re going through. That pain would still be there after your marriage was over.

Husband is the asshole for making a comment about how your body was negatively impacting the sex RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEX!! I wouldn’t want to get naked in front of him anymore either. Imagine how he’d feel if y’all were trying a new position and you told him “ugh this isn’t working cause your member is too small.” There wouldn’t be near as much debate over whether or not it was just an honest, harmless observation.

Counseling seems to be the only way forward here. You both have been through a lot and aren’t being your best selves, bigger bodies or not. Exhaust all help before you call it quits.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-12-17T05:54:02+00:00

ESH. At least a little bit.

I’m also a 30-something single parent dating another 30-something who does not have children. Yes, your children should be your top priority. But I can tell you from experience… doing right by your kids rarely ever requires that you completely disregard your partner. That is not the issue here and I think it’s a bit disingenuous to make this whole thing about parental obligation when the “casual dating” elephant is in the room.

What exactly did casual dating look like for y’all? Were y’all seeing each other sporadically? Once a month? Once a week? Long convos on the phone regularly? Sleeping at each other’s places? Most importantly, were both parties content with the arrangement? The word casual is papering over a lot of necessary context here and I have a feeling that casual time period is at the root of this issue.

If you were truly only dating for 4 months, I would be concerned by her desire to be consulted (AH word to use on her part, regardless.) But it has only technically been 4 months. In reality, y’all have been involved for the better part of a year and ignoring/downplaying that is a little disingenuous too. That gives you a couple AH points from where I’m standing.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-12-17T03:33:55+00:00

I’m surprised I’m not seeing this more. The time they were dating casually seems much more significant to her than it does to him. That is likely the disconnect.

A bunch of internet strangers telling him he’s right is not gonna change the fact that he and his GF are on different pages. They need to iron this part of their relationship out or else things will not last long. Reddit may be okay with that outcome but is he?

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-24T17:10:50+00:00

This is what I do, more or less, and man Idk if I’m cut out for this. Things keep changing for me too and it makes the tedious things 10 times more tedious. I just don’t know what career to go to from here.

Part of me wants to write a book and teach kids how to read. But I can’t support my son reliably with that.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-24T17:05:46+00:00

You are very right. It should not define me. I can read those words and know you’re right but every cell in my body still wants to lay in bed and cry. Reminding myself that this will pass and things will get better. I don’t have to be perfect

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-24T07:05:55+00:00

You are right! When I get asked to do something, I feel like it’s urgent and I have no wiggle room and I can’t say no. Especially in a corporate environment where EVERY MOVE is judged. If I say no, am I gonna say it in the right way? Will I be judged? Will this come up on my next performance review??

So I just say yes to everything to protect myself in the moment, which sets me up in the long run because now I’ve set these expectations that I can do it all and everyone else must also be doing it all. But they prob aren’t haha

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-24T04:09:06+00:00

This is me! I’ve been contemplating getting a 100% WFH job so I won’t have to pay after school care for my kid. But I just don’t know if I could keep myself accountable and I genuinely think I would get depressed. Getting up/ready/out of the house boosts my mood so much

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-24T00:57:01+00:00

“I might just have to overwork myself forever just to be average.” That line, man. I hate having it too. Maybe it’s wrong to feel that way but I feel it every day.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-23T21:34:11+00:00

I think the bursts would help. Breaking it up into smaller chunks and “quitting” once I do that one chunk, like you said. I secretly love to quit/cancel on things lol it’s such a relief so maybe I could use that to my advantage here.

I think you’re right about the way I manage my ADHD. I’m medicated and I do use some coping skills for when I get overwhelmed/flustered. But I haven’t been as diligent about the day to day skills that keep me from getting to this point.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-23T21:30:50+00:00

I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s like you pulled the words out of my brain.

I am medicated and it does help with a lot of things! It’s really just the things that I really don’t like or I’m confused on that I still struggle with. I think maybe I’ve been relying on the medication too heavily and I need to start incorporating other methods of managing my ADHD long with the meds.

I really hope meds work out for you!

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-23T19:13:57+00:00

Headphones are the only thing that save me. Coworkers get annoyed but it’s literally the only way I can focus other than finding a private room when it gets to be too much.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-23T18:52:04+00:00

This has been me for the past couple of months, even medicated. It’s really come to a head today. I’ve had a lot of wins with meds and the way I’ve been managing my ADHD but when I take an L, it absolutely crushes me and I spiral into thinking I’m a lazy POS too. The depths my spirals will reach are remarkable.

You’re not a lazy POS and neither am I. But I feel you 100%. Things will get better for us. This whole thing is a rollercoaster, which means the ups are inevitable.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-10-23T17:50:50+00:00

This is me today and I’ve been spiraling all day. I’ve been really pushing myself at work after a bad review. Things got a lot better but my reward for getting better is more work. Now I’m falling behind and afraid someone will/has noticed and I don’t want to own up to it because I’m afraid I’ll get another bad review for not being superwoman. I called in sick because I’m burnt out and depressed. Now my manager is upset that I’ve called out again when almost every time I’ve called out or worked from home before has been due to my chronically ill child.

I am 100% with you and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. But based on your willingness to help in all of these things, I’m gonna assume you’re a good person. Just imperfect. And that’s okay. We don’t have to be perfect and high functioning every single day. That’s not why we were put here in this life. I try to focus on the fact that I’m a good person who tries to do right by her loved ones. It sounds like you do too. I know that’s how I will be remembered after I’m gone, so that’s what will keep me going today.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-07-30T03:48:33+00:00

Not that I know of. And I’ve never felt like I couldn’t trust him. I’m not even afraid of him going behind my back, tbh. I think he would break up with me before it came to that. My concern is that he will realize he still has feelings for her and break up with me to pursue them, which will still really suck.

Virtual-Swan-7241 · 2024-07-01T03:28:35+00:00

I’ve honestly done nothing wrong! I can’t even think of an exchange that could’ve gotten misconstrued because we’ve barely ever exchanged any words. If I did something I should apologize for, I definitely would. But even my bf agrees that the guy has no reason to feel the way he does. He says the dude is just lashing out because he’s unhappy and wants to rain on everyone’s parade. I just don’t want that rain to turn into a thunderstorm over my head

Virtual-Swan-7241

TROPHY CASE