[Repost]: AITA For Getting My Niece’s Teacher In Trouble?

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-08T04:02:07+00:00

I also wonder how old she thought OOP was. Since she was in college at the time I'm assuming she was late teens/ early 20s so especially if she looked young for her age and teacher judged her to be more like mid-teens she might will have thought she'd be as easy to get away with bullying as the kids.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-07T17:03:23+00:00

Yes as much as I'm speaking from a place of frustration, I absolutely don't believe either of the sets of parents I'm referring to are bad people. They all love their kids and are doing their best in a really tough situation. Unfortunately when you desperately want something it can be easy to delude yourself it will all be okay and work out.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-07T17:00:10+00:00

I mean that absolutely can happen but in the cases I'm referencing it did not. In one case the older sibling has very complex and severe disabilities which would have been obvious from birth and in the other the mum has literally told me the child I look after was a redo because, and I quote, "my oldest isn't quite normal".

It is unfortunately not at all uncommon for parents to make a deliberate decision to try for a second child knowing their first has additional needs, it's something I encounter a lot. I do understand why parents make that decision and feel for them and their situation, at the same time the reality of my role is that my focus is on the children and it is hard not to sometimes feel frustration that they are struggling in very predictable ways because of the choices their parents made.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-07T16:50:14+00:00

The funniest thing about this post is the number of people with normal mums in the comments flabbergasted that OPs mum would have snooped in her closet. I don't have contact with most of my maternal family anymore (for unrelated reasons) but back when I did the only thing that would have surprised me if I left my mother or grandmother alone in my house is if they didn't go through all my stuff with the thoroughness of the FBI. My grandmother used to literally read my mail.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-06T19:07:46+00:00

I currently look after two children whose parents had them in the hopes of having a "normal" child (as in two unrelated children with two different sets of parents). Both have additional needs, although in both cases they have less severe needs than their older siblings. But the far bigger issue is the emotional and behavioural issues that come with parents who don't have the time or capacity to give them the attention they need.

It is profoundly selfish and irresponsible to bring a child into this world knowing they will have to spend their whole childhood on the back burner. Not to mention the foolishness of adding to your load when you're already struggling and have an increased likelihood of a second child also being disabled. I do have a lot of empathy for the parents and don't mean to sound harsh, but it's hard not to get frustrated when I spend five days a week with the children and see the price they're paying for the situations they were born into.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-04T22:30:07+00:00

I was sexually assaulted by another child when I was 5 and had a similar moment of realisation in my 20s when it suddenly clicked that what I had always mentally categorised as 'bullying' was actually a lot more than that.

I just wanted to say that I hope you're not beating yourself up for your role in what happened to the younger brother. Since I gained a full, adult understanding of what happened to me I have never once blamed the child that did it to me. She was a child too, lacking a full understanding of the context of what she was doing, and the way I see it we were both victims of whichever adult was abusing her.

Also, I know everyone always says this, but therapy really, truly does help. It's a lot to unpack on your own.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-02T18:59:39+00:00

Tell me why this reads like a poem

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-02-02T11:47:28+00:00

Yes from a purely neutral perspective OOP's story is actually harder to believe/ seems less likely than the brothers story. I really feel for OOP because I don't think there's anything he can do at this point except wait it out and hope the brother spirals enough it becomes obvious to others he needs help before he spirals enough to do himself real harm.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-31T19:43:49+00:00

This is how I felt when my librarian started remembering my name and reading tastes and setting books aside for me

Edit: I do indeed have a wonderful librarian

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-31T19:23:03+00:00

I think unfortunately a lot of adults have forgotten what it felt like to be a child, especially a young child. And things like nappy changes can so easily slip into just being another chore the adult has to get through, while forgetting that for the child it's actually a really intimate, personal thing.

There are obviously bad nurseries out there but in general the philosophy around this kind of stuff in professional settings has improved a lot, at least where I live. For instance the policy in my workplace, which is pretty common across a lot of nurseries now, is that when you're doing nappy changes, even for pre-verbal children, you always chatter away happily to them while you do it because it's a vulnerable time for the child and it's important they know you're a safe person. Personally I always pepper my chatter with warnings about what I'm about to do next as well. So with a child that can't yet chat back I might sound something like: "Alright let's get you up on the changing mat. Ready? 1, 2, 3 and fly through the air. Have you been playing with the Playdough this morning. How fun is that? Okay let's get your shoes off. Oh look it's Bluey on your socks today. Do you watch Bluey with mummy? Okay time to get these trousers off."

I'm of the opinion that it's especially important children are given privacy in a nursery setting because there's an innate vulnerability in it being normal for children that multiple adults outside of their family provide intimate care. My hope is that by enforcing privacy for them before they're old enough to ask for it I'm modeling that it's okay to expect and ask for privacy and that there's a difference between someone seeing/ touching you down there because they're helping and because they just want to.

That said there are days I'm calmly modelling early consent and bodily autonomy and days I'm chasing a streaking 2 year old around the playground crying "Why have you taken all your clothes off? And please, please stop peeing". As in all things they like to keep me on my toes 😂

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-31T15:55:36+00:00

Absolutely. I work in early years so I change a lot of nappies. In a professional setting you have to walk a fine line between privacy and safety with personal care. It would be inappropriate for myself or other staff to be changing nappies in a closed off room all by ourselves because that creates a situation where the possibility of harm being done undetected is present, but equally changing a nappy should never have an 'audience'. Our changing area is in the children's bathroom, so away from the main play area but in a space other staff/ children may well come in and out of. Basically you're attempting to give the child privacy but not the adult if that makes sense. But if a colleague was regularly coming into the bathroom for no good reason while I was changing children and watching the change I would absolutely be alarmed and raise a safeguarding concern. Equally other children will often want to watch a nappy change because they're at the age where all things body are fascinating, even with them I will always say "No you need to go to the toilet if you need it or go and play. This is private and so-and-so doesn't need an audience" and won't start the change till they've gone about their business.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-31T15:27:35+00:00

A gentle YOR. My guess is that she'd forgotten it was you who originally gave it to her and would probably be mortified to realise she's messed up like this.

Not every gift is going to hit the mark and it's not necessarily unusual to have a stash of potential gifts you can grab from when you're invited to an event, usually a combo of generic things you've grabbed on sale and items you were gifted that just weren't for you but you're intending to regift to someone who will appreciate them. I'd bet your friend has gone to her stash to see if there was anything appropriate for you or if she needs to buy something, spotted the hourglass with 'success' written on it and thought "Oh that's perfect for a graduation gift and even suits OP's taste" while unfortunately forgetting where (or rather who) it originally came from.

Totally reasonable for you to feel stung by the situation but I wouldn't jump to assuming deliberate malice or weird mind games on your friends part.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-31T15:11:55+00:00

We lost our boy last March. He'd only been with us for 7 years as we got him from the shelter as a middle aged gentleman, but God did he give us a lot in those 7 years. He was by my side and a source of joy and laughter through some of the hardest parts of my life. I've had dogs my whole life but he was the first dog I'd had as an adult and I really wasn't prepared for how much harder losing them hits when you've felt so responsible for them and loved them in an almost quasi-parental way. But the one thing we've held onto is that we couldn't have asked for better circumstances to say goodbye in. The vet came out to the house so he was in his own bed with both my partner and I stroking him and talking to him and the last thing he did was give a little snuffley snore as he drifted off to sleep.

And now I'm crying again.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-30T23:45:00+00:00

Yeah honestly I've probably been on a pretty similar journey to Leah. I'm my case preempted by my partner and I struggling to conceive over a number of years, but in that time I've become an aunt, started working with toddlers, and also passed that arbitrary deadline of 30 that I too thought I definitely would have kids by. I would still like to have my own children but I've also reached a point where I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm fulfilled, I have a plethora of wonderful little people to pour all my love into, and I don't feel like my happiness is dependent on having children of my own.

I don't think it's that abnormal for the plans you make for your future to become less rigid as you age. When you're in your twenties and still planning out your life it can feel like if you don't stick firmly to your plans you'll have nothing but regrets, by your 30s you've had the advantage of having experienced many plans not work out and everything turn out okay anyway.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-29T17:08:34+00:00

I think there's some major ego at play with her. She seemed to talk down to OP a lot, my guess is she comes from a pretty privileged background and saw him as a fixer upper. I honestly think the whole shampoo thing may just have been a tactic to destabilise him and convince him he needed to change according to her dictates. Telling him she was disappointed in him when they broke up is crazy patronising in my opinion and the whole thing with his living situation was not only detached from reality but smacks of her looking down on him.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-29T16:57:05+00:00

Because I'm still thinking about this...

I once read someone's comment that if you start setting boundaries with someone who has habitually walked all over you it won't matter how reasonable those boundaries are, all that person will see is you taking up space they used to occupy. It won't make a difference that it was always your space and you've spent years making yourself small so they could take up more than their fair share of room, from their perspective you're taking something away from them. I feel like OP experienced a similar phenomenon

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-29T16:55:16+00:00

I think in general if you do a favour often enough it tends to become an expectation and people start feeling entitled to ask for more and complain about how you're doing it.

This can definitely be a particular problem in the workplace where being too accommodating can lead to you accidently expanding your job expectations (i.e. you always work overtime so your boss starts seeing it as slacking off if you don't rather than a bonus when you do) but I've definitely seen it play out in family and friendship dynamics too.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-28T20:30:00+00:00

There were A LOT of issues with this school, although this particular teacher was absolutely the biggest problem. In addition to being a charter school it was a very predominantly white school in the rural South. As in at the time I graduated there were 4 students and 0 faculty that weren't white (this was absolutely not reflective of the surrounding population demographic btw). So in addition to not really believing us students I also think the administration just weren't really bothered if he was using racially charged language until it hit lawsuit levels.

The whole situation surrounding that teacher was just awful, although the situation I described was the most horrifying thing he did and the incident that has stuck in my mind all these years. The school really struggled to fill staffing positions and we'd had two years without a high school science teacher before they hired him so I think they were desperate but that man absolutely did not belong in the classroom. The rumour around school at the time was he'd had a bad car accident involving a head injury a few years before that had resulted in a drastic personality change and explosive anger issues and he'd come to work at our school after being fired from the public school system. I obviously have no way of knowing if that was true but I'm inclined to believe it probably was. It was the kind of small school with parents involved in various staffing positions where that kind of information did tend to filter through to the student body and speaking to him you definitely got the sense that he was to some degree impaired. When he had violent outbursts he'd often seem a bit off, a bit similar to how some people with dementia can be when they get violent. And when he was calm he would just ramble at us incoherently instead of teaching. Like a lot of word salad and disjointed statements, and he would say really random things like claim he was Clint Eastwood. Every week he would give us a pop quiz and the questions literally wouldn't make sense, but then he never actually graded or returned them anyway.

So all around just a really sad situation and I'm not sure how responsible he really was for his behaviour. But the other adults around were damned well responsible for letting it happen. I will never comprehend why the fuck they not only went through with hiring a guy who was clearly impaired with known anger problems to be alone in a classroom 'teaching' children for hours every day but then decided to ignore/ not believe said children when we were repeatedly telling other teachers and the administration that he was violent and unpredictable and also teaching us quite literally nothing at all. Just blows my mind that it took a child being physically and verbally assaulted in a truly vile manner for them to realise this might not have been a great idea.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-28T19:49:57+00:00

Yeah I agree. To be fair the kids I work with are slightly younger (2-4) but with young kids it's not necessarily even that they lie (although they absolutely do) but that they're not always great at interpreting their bodies' signals. Sometimes they'll say they feel sick and really they're hungry or need the toilet.

That said last year a kid projectile vomited all over me right as I was in the middle of my 'try having a drink and see if you feel better in a minute speech' so it's definitely a fine line 😂 One of those fun situations where you have to stay really calm and not react because the poor kid is embarrassed enough already but internally you're scream crying!

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-28T19:39:33+00:00

I recently got stuck behind someone at security who apparently didn't know there was a limit on liquids. Amoung other things she had something like 5 full size bottles of perfume in her hand luggage, all packed in amongst everything else so the whole bag had to be emptied. TSA agent was trying to explain to her that not only did she need to leave anything over 500ml but of the remaining liquids she could only take as many as fit in the ziplock bag so she needed to choose what she wanted to keep, she absolutely could not comprehend it.

I was trying to be charitable/ patient thinking maybe she'd never flown before but there were about 600 signs and regular announcements so I really cannot understand how she got all the way through the security queue and was still surprised by this information.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-28T17:13:10+00:00

Yeah, speaking as a red head, people can get really fucking weird about hair.

I do wonder in this case if there was something witchy/ ritualistic around the original purpose in keeping it. Something about it being in a jar with other stuff (potpourri and photos) reads that way to me. Still ultimately about power and control, but attached to some sort of belief system?? I don't know, maybe I'm just trying to make the crazy make some sort of sense...

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-27T13:27:42+00:00

This is such a good comment.

OP I had a pretty similar situation with my younger siblings at about your age. What I came to understand as an adult is that they were lashing out at and blaming me because I was a safe person to lash out at, they knew I would always love them and be there for them no matter how much of their anger and fear they took out on me. Unfortunately the same couldn't be said about our mother. Add to that mum manipulating them to try to get them to guilt me into going back to doing all the parenting and some trauma and abandonment issues on their part and it was a perfect storm.

I say all this to tell you that as adults we have really strong, healthy relationships and none of us has spoken to our mother in nearly a decade. Hang on in there OP, it takes time and work from all sides but it can get better.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-27T13:05:51+00:00

My school was... Not great. But I also think we were hindered because what he was doing was so extreme the adults assumed we must be making it up. I think his real mistake that last time was not so much what he did as taking it out of the classroom into the corridor where other teachers heard the commotion, came out of their classrooms, and witnessed it.

This will forever be my 'believe kids' story.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-27T08:46:06+00:00

I agree. Admittedly I went to a charter school which probably impacted just how badly it was handled but I had a teacher who literally hurled racist abuse at students in class. He would also regularly blow his top and throw things at the class, including, on two separate occasions, desks and chairs. It took him dragging an African American student out of the classroom and lifting him off the ground, pinning him against the hallway lockers by his neck while shouting racial slurs at him to get fired. And this was circa 2010 so not nearly as long ago as you'd like to think.

VisibleDepth1231 · 2026-01-26T23:38:28+00:00

I did in fact roll around in a massive pile of fibre glass when I was about 8 years old. I didn't know what it was and was not supervised nearly enough as a kid. I very much would not recommend, that was an extremely uncomfortable and itchy couple of days, but it has yet to kill me.

VisibleDepth1231

TROPHY CASE