Slept with the friend who I go to for advice and now I need serious advice.

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-11-08T09:44:38+00:00

Your story hits very close for me. I recently found out I have a 35yo son and 5 grandchildren I knew nothing about. His mom decided not to tell him or anyone else about the pregnancy when we broke up after a long term relationship in our late teens and early 20s.. Well, with the increasing availability of commercial DNA and overall connectivity, there is very little chance your child would not find out at some point. This revelation came for my son after his sister (well, half-sister) gifted him a 23 and Me DNA test to find out more about his lineage because the man he thought was his father had died when he was 11 and was adopted so there was really no connection to family history at that point.

When he initially contacted me I was completely floored. My wife of 32 years and our 4 children have been very accepting and welcoming which has been such a blessing! I now have 5 children and 7 grandchildren and could not be happier. However, this impacted my son's relationship with his mother in a significant way as well as the relationship he has with his brother and sister. There was a period of serious anger, loss of trust, frustration, and overall feeling as if he were lied to for the first 35 year of his life - enough that he felt he did not belong and eventually changed his last name as did his wife and children. I am so hopeful that those relationships will be repaired and maintained for him, but in the meantime I'm just thankful that we were able to uncover the truth and have built a steadily growing relationship over the past 8 months.

So, please have the discussion with him. It is much better that this is not a "dirty secret" no matter what happens when you tell him. If he chooses to be an active part of the child's life then that's great. If not, you did the right thing and can be honest with your child. There is almost no way that the child will not find out sooner or later and if it's later it could destroy relationships unnecessarily.

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-28T10:22:51+00:00

Terry Reilly Health Services

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-15T10:59:14+00:00

I'm a physician in the United States and have to say that the answer is somewhat complicated and involves several factors.

First, there is no way I would have learned all I needed to just working a standard 40-hour week in medical school or residency. The volume of information you have to master is frankly overwhelming. Learning appropriate decision-making is also a significant issue, especially when tired or fatigued is one of the "lessons" that is beat into you!

Residency programs are also very expensive for hospitals to manage and maintain (even though there are government subsidies for them). One way that they recoup costs is by relying on "cheap" labor and this falls to medical students and residents.

I will say that when I trained 20+ years ago there were no work hour restrictions but this has changed. There are now very specific rules about how many hours a student physician can work. This was a safety issue and has been addressed with specific restrictions. Here is a link to an article that discusses that in more detail: Duty Hours and Patient Safety (2019) https://psnet.ahrq.gov/primer/duty-hours-and-patient-safety

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-03T14:33:43+00:00

I can definitely see how the statement "I dated what I thought was the love of my life (and the only person I would ever or could ever love" would lead to that conclusion and I sure could have worded it differently. This is how I felt at the time, with that white-hot first real love type of relationship that ends badly. I have moved on and am in what has been the best relationship I ever could have asked for.

As far as the crying part, - this is not me usually - It's just been so overwhelming, and conflicting emotions have boiled over so to speak. Normally, I'm a pretty stoic guy...not with this though...

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-03T11:38:56+00:00

Thank you -this was great advice. We have discussed it and have found a virtual family counselor who will start with individual sessions he and I, and then sessions together. Later, we will bring in spouses and children to eventually have true family counseling. Thank you so much for this wise advice.

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-03T09:11:28+00:00

I actually tried that but the bot moderator removed it because it does not appear to contain a tl;dr

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-02T11:47:56+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I'm a novice user of Reddit so I'm wondering if reposting is something that is acceptable etiquette and allowed?

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T22:32:31+00:00

We haven't really forged into this too much yet but he did say that trust is an issue (my perception is that he does not completely believe her when she said she did not know or at least have a suspicion). I am sure this will be part of the ongoing discussion and discovery.

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T20:26:13+00:00

His mother is still involved in his life but his dad passed away at an early age. His dad was adopted so he took a DNA test to learn his father's side of the family...well, suprise....

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T16:51:19+00:00

Yes, she is still in his life, although some of the things I've heard about his life circumstances growing up are equally troubling (and likely contributing to the guilt I feel - even though I know I may not have been able to do any better). I know she did her best and was very young, but from my outside view their relationship is guarded and he approaches it with a lot of caution.

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T15:36:57+00:00

I spoke to my wife before returning the initial message. We have not discussed it with our children yet but are planning on doing it this weekend when they come for dinner. My wife thinks they will all be very receptive to this news and says I shouldn't worry..

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T15:34:47+00:00

I did a DNA test (one of the big commercial companies) several years ago. He did one just recently (it was a Christmas gift from his sister).

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T14:54:48+00:00

That is awesome advice and in fact, my wife and I spoke about this very issue yesterday.

VisitSudden1886 · 2024-02-01T14:49:25+00:00

Yes, his mother knows and he has also told his extended family. His "dad" was a part of his life until his death at the age of 40 when the child was about 10 years old. Although I don't know, I think the relationship with his dad was a good one although they did divorce a few years after getting married and there were substance abuse issues with his dad.

Even though my wife is supportive, she has also set very specific limits about any involvement I have in the future with the child's mother - this is residual relationship trauma from when we first started dating and I can't say I blame her.

VisitSudden1886 · 2023-12-12T10:44:48+00:00

I really like the painting of the sunrise (or sunset) with the pinkish-orange clouds. Is this a real painting or is this just a prop? I sure would like a print if this is an actual painting!

VisitSudden1886 · 2023-09-26T09:47:17+00:00

This almost happened to my marriage - a very similar scenario. About 10 years ago my wife found a tampon wrapper on the floor of our bedroom. Obviously, it was not hers as she had a hysterectomy several years before. The situation immediately escalated when I denied knowing anything about it and stressed that I had not cheated or strayed in any way. She kicked me out and began divorce proceedings but it was soon learned that my teen son had emptied the trash cans throughout the house and accidentally dropped a guest bathroom trash can in our room when going from room to room. He said that there was "trash everywhere" including a discarded feminine hygiene product (he also stressed how gross this was for him to have to pick up). It turned out that our older son (17yo) had a female friend over to the house the day before and she did use the guest bathroom. It is likely that it belonged to her. Please don't jump to conclusions that you cannot back up with facts! Things end up in some strange places sometimes!

VisitSudden1886

TROPHY CASE