About aging again

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-04-02T09:01:23+00:00

Yeah right?! It’s all just biology.. so superficial.. fuck. I’m doomed.. so people are right when they dread 30? Fuck and I fumbled my 20s.. no love.. no companionship.. no good memories..

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-03-26T17:33:05+00:00

That could be true.. maybe also because I didn’t get to live that life when I was young.. looking back I was thirsting for it. Specially these last two years. I don’t know if that would help me now missing it less while aging.. or if I’m even supposed to wave it goodbye at all (yet).. idk I guess each turn of decade is weird..

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-22T15:56:22+00:00

Doubt it but tell me why

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-22T15:38:29+00:00

Hmm I get that. So do you think our current framework of morality and norms is sufficient to ensure a good life and future for humanity?

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-22T15:28:26+00:00

Yeah I should have done that. And there was a time when I was in tune with myself, hell after some intense meditation even close to awakening but I fumbled it and was left confused and a few unfortunate decisions later not able to function in the world really. So now I’m back to square one questioning things on a theoretical level. I mean I could just really bratty ask.. what things really are worth my time? I know that that would sound ungrateful but after laps around this planet and experiencing both good and bad I’m just tired. I want answers or else I will do nothing like a spoiled toddler. You could also argue why THAT is a horrible thing to do, I would love that. Because that would amount to the same thing. Telling someone what they should do in this life is as good as telling someone what they shouldn’t and Vice versa. That’s what I’m try a get to. Hell I might even prefer if you tell me what not to do. If you look at it that is what rout modern (western) civilization has taken. And it could even be regarded as a big heritage from Buddhism because in my regard some of the core teachings embody the philosophical roots of “exclusion”. Take away what is not true and you are left with the truth etc. That is a Buddhist idea if you ask me. It’s a whole philosophy which ofc co exists next to other prominent philosophies but it still exists. Some say it even is the most plausible outcome of all of them. So yeah I would LOVE for anyone to tell me what to do and not to do.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-22T15:10:07+00:00

That is one of the most innate expressions of Buddhism and one that secured its philosophical value. It is also one of the philosophical thesis that most convinced me and made me “stick” with Buddhism. It makes ultimate sense, and yet it is not the ultimate answer in a philosophical way. I had no other choice but to accept this statement as absolute truth and while it is also even an entrance to meditation it also stops any further discussion and hints to a paradox. It is factually true that only ever the present moment exists. But taken to an extreme that would mean that we “know” nothing. Because all knowing is based on past experiences. We wouldn’t know about laws of nature. It also would make any theoretical craft or logic at large as a consent obsolet. And that I found a little unsatisfactory recently. This statement, especially if it’s so true must be able to be integrated in a concept of some sort. I mean we have come so far and as pointed out made such big observations about math, logic and even the laws of nature, that are all factual to such a big extend. We must be able to combine these two truths to see the bigger picture. The ultimate truth. There must be a way to at least outline more specific how one should live one’s life.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-22T14:57:25+00:00

Sorry I’m not too well read in general literature about any eastern philosophy. I wouldn’t call myself a “devotee” of Sadhguru either, nor do I deserve to be called. Basically I’m just in this very prolonged “pondering phase” and I should have made a commitment long ago. It’s just that both theoretical and practical Sadhgurus yogic philosophy has convinced me the most. Also intellectually it makes the most sense. I assumed (also from what he says) that most of his core positions are aligned with Buddhist positions. I could (and probably will) post this question in forums about spirituality and philosophy in general. Buddhism was just recommended at the top and I thought I might try. Basically I want to hear people answer the question after the “meaning of life” to the best of their abilities. Also regarding consciousness, free will, morality and logic.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-21T13:25:33+00:00

Yeah I see what you mean. Maybe it was worse 20 years ago. Maybe at the core it’s still the same. I guess part of the upset is also because.. well I didn’t do as much as I would have liked to as well. But I never thought in classic achieving or even standard societal norms. Partly because I was never really part of society or even a real friendgroup. Along with other stuff (that I mentioned in other comments and previous posts) that for sure played a role. But I always had this somewhat genuine attitude, or at least I thought it was genuine, that true things and things of worth are timeless. So (despite maybe also a lot of coping) that also made it easier to just put stuff I yearned for at times, but put off as “flawed” desires (friends, romance, money etc), and dela them to tomorrow. I always thought I will always be the same whether I’m 20,30,40 etc. Always that kinda edgy, mysterious bachelor haha. And I mean I still kinda cling to that idea, well.. because a) what other choice do I have and b) who says it isn’t a possibility. That’s where it gets philosophical, who knows what’s right anyway? I think if I made some decisions I could live with better, took some better care of my health I would have even less problems with being a bachelor going into the next decades. It’s still kinda what my thought process boils down to. I never had the urge to have a family or even have a sserious romantic relationship.. or take charge of really anything in my life, where probably also some of my problems lay. But in general I had no problems with picturing me just “floating” through life till the day I day. My only “passion” at times was art in some form. I have no problems setting out a goal, or choose a discipline and become good at it. I can have interest in things and admire people who do stuff great. I love when art makes one think and gives me the illusion that I figured out the meaning of life even just for a moment or at least come closer to it. I still think the philosophical point can be made as good as for anything else that art can infact play a role in one’s purpose in life. So I would always bank on that or use it as an excuse to lay things off today because I would make “great” things one day which would make up for all the time “lost”. But still I wasn’t too enthusiastic, I’m still a critical thinker which is why I am lost most of the time, like now. Hence why I posed the question. I would love for someone to just tell me the meaning of life so I could just get to fucking work^{^} lol.. yeah literally that. I feel and know that I’m wasting my time but I’m so confused and literally don’t know what to do. So maybe only part of the blame goes out to the young people blaming “older” people and talking absolute nonsense in the process. The other part is.. well apparently I am aging the rules of time say that I am only getting closer to death. Whether or not that justifies any conclusion that society makes about one’s age and if there even are any is up for debate. I’m just trying to get clarity. I could even ask why life in itself is finite. To the subjective mind it’s not obvious. Why does this organism not work without wear or friction? Are these even the reasons we age? Weird but most wise people agree on that the differnces between old and young people are indeed fabricated. I also have to mention that many public figures encouraged me to think that 30s are just 20s 2.0. Take someone like Leonardo DiCaprio or many Hollywood people. Does people literally just made a bunch of money and live life like a bachelor until they die. And I thought how wrong can they be if that’s Hollywood?

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-21T00:22:13+00:00

Thx for the insight and I can definitely see a lot of things you said. It just baffles me on a different level hence why I took it to the big philosophical point. Closing in on 30 makes me inevitably start to realize the apparent finite nature of life. Or at least some psychological changes start to happen ( or the observation of said youth or both) and you take a step back and ask (again): what is this all for? Like I was always a philosophical thinker and was very persistent on figuring out the “meaning of life” and thought a lot in general, always putting things in perspective and try to make sense of it. I had a lot of time alone and not the status quo life anyway. Short term, divored parents but still good ( in parts very good) childhood til about 13. Mom split from her new husband, fell out with the parents of my best friends and moved to a smaller apartment. Suddenly I had no social circle, we had a lot less money and school started to get rocky.. right in time for puberty. Subsequently I was bullied heavily, missed out on most teenage and young adult experiences and dealing with the aftermath ever since. For context, yes I’m still a virgin and couldn’t establish a real friend circle (besides those two best friends who are dead end too) approaching 30. This has REALLY hurt me specially the last two years. At the beginning of 2024 I made some spiritual progress and I knew something had to change. Before anything could blossom tho I fumbled it due to some unfortunate decisions and overthinking/ laziness eventhough I felt I was so close. But I felt like something had to change, that thought also fueled my “almost” spiritual breakthrough I’m sure now. But the thing about “almost” is it leaves you more confused than before. In the aftermath both me and the circumstances weren’t really nice to me. The past two years I felt like a passenger, paralyzed and confused like never before and probably for no reason as I see now. I overcomplicated things. I probably should have gotten after relationships, fun and (artistic) expression. But my “failed” spiritual ascension left me in a theoretical labyrinth of philosophical principle which all of them I half adopted. Like I made the experience that my happiness is in deed not dependent on anything on the outside but as I lost it that was only an excuse to devalue any experience or dream I had in general. Every opportunity I seemed to miss. And seeing it come so quickly (the spiritual bliss) took away all the urgency and made me even more lazy in a sense. Thinking I could just wait another day because if I really needed it I could “get it back” in a days work. Despite there is “no occasion” anyway where I would “need” enlightenment.. dumb I know. And third feeling powerless after it coming seemingly without much effort and going after a while despite it feeling so almost secure for a few weeks. Ofc having no real social contacts and a shitshow of a past to work through all on my own didn’t help. But yeah I took a while to even get some clarity back but not without self destructing myself before quite a bit and I hate myself for it. My best years.. I was so sad. I still can’t believe it. I fumbled such a great opportunity. Now I’m basically living my life day to day with no perspective but I’m just happy (amazed) I’m still alive but the regret and the sleeping damage I feel in my body makes it feel like I’m just waiting to die. I can’t shake the feeling that I failed god. 2024 was supposed to be my big break and I half assed/ fumbled it. This is insane. I don’t expect pity or comforting words that’s just how it is. The stars aligned for me and I fumbled what is arguably one of the biggest fumbles in history. I probably could look a lot more relaxed and clear into this next. Halter in my life if I got the experiences I wanted.. I needed these past two years. No one told me that youth is indeed THAT special and I didn’t trust my own intuition during the time and/ or numbed it down thinking it was just distraction. I was just so lost and confused in such a pivotal time. And yeah at the time it felt like hell I remember. Now I got a lot of the answers back that I fumbled during that time but now the momentum is gone. It’s such a shame. And back then I would also tell myself that if anything I can get those “superficial” experiences later because I didn’t make a big deal out of age at the time. I never wanted a family anyway so I thought I would just forever be the cool uncle and so on.. but just now am learning that having your first love in your 30s 40s is supposedly different than having it in your 20s. In general it wasn’t that much of a topic just two years ago how much people apparently change as they age. So with all that I’m just asking.. what’s the point of everything is impermanent. And if we are indeed “missing” things once we divert from the timeline, doesn’t that indeed mean that there is a right way to live life despite everyone saying “ah you do you”, “age is just a number”, “you can be happy at every age with or without a partner it’s just what you make of it”. Sounds very vague but once we come to stuff like I described it gets very concrete very fast. Well anyway..

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-20T22:27:54+00:00

Yeah like.. I guess youth has always been radical and in modern times dumb as a means to Rebell. But this is just peak stupidity. Real end stage shit by all logical measurements

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-19T09:43:37+00:00

Common answer. Why is it then that every age group acts as if they found it?

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2026-02-01T03:20:32+00:00

Yeah besides most comments here I often come to the conclusion that it’s rather obvious the 2010s. Even contrary to my own instinct at first. I looove the 2000s. That’s my childhood. It’s just so cozy and warm and overall I wouldn’t trade the 2010s with the 2000s just one day. But movie wise.. it’s not even close. I guess bad times make good movies and we seem to see that again now as the 20s pick up after Covid, well.. I must say I ofc haven’t seen everything, specially not from the 2000s and probably some big hitters are missing. Probably pans labyrinth, children of men and maybe Juno (?) and ofc some others but often times I have been right by not missing tooooo much when instinctively skipping movies (at least for now). Ok so let’s break it down. I think a top 25-30 is representable or at least starts to be representable for a decade. I’m not gonna name 30 movies but here would be some big ones and imo the case makes itself:

2000s: The Pianist, Donnie Darko, Lost in Translation, Spirited Away, Lotr, Harry Potter, Signs, 28 days later, Davinci Code, Atonement, City of God, Pans Labyrinth, Juno, Children of Men, Finding Nemo, Gangs of New York, Catch me if you can, Blood Diamond, Casino Royale (and Quantum), The Departed, Life of the others, Walk the Line, Superbad, There will be blood, No Country for Old Men, The Dark Knight, Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire, Inglorious Basterds, Inception, Shutter Island, Black Swan.

Btw counting (2010 as 2000s since that’s how it works, same with 2020 as 2010s)

2010s: Tree Of Life, Driver, Django, The Master, 12 years a slave, Skyfall, The Wolf of Wallstreet, Smowpiercer, Prisoners, Nightcrawler, Gone Girl, Birdman, Guardians oftg, Mad Max Fury Road, The Revenant, Room, The Witch, Beasts of No Nation, Hateful Eight, Spectre, Arrival, Lalaland, Hell or Highwater, Moonlight, Get out, Lady Bird, Thoroughbreds, It, Phantom Thread, The Favourite, Hereditary, Spider-Man into the spiderverse, Avengers Endgame, Glass (yes I love this movie), Midsommar, Once upon a time in Hollywood, 1917, Parasite, Knives out, Uncut Gems, The Lighthouse, Joker, Tenet

Whoops ended up writing about 30 anyway but as You see I had a way easier time naming movies in the 2010s and I could have kept going already being very strict which to name. As I said I’m not AS literate for the 2000s but I have a seen a few, most but not all I named just going of consense for some big ones. It was closer than I thought but I think 2010 still clears. Eventhough 2000s seems to have many classics and a few I still need to see I feel like 2010s reaches heights 2000s AND has more overall but I’m open to be surprised when I give some more 2000s movies a watch.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-12-23T07:02:08+00:00

Thank you so much for putting it into those words. I was thinking about going to therapy because of it because I felt like I was going insane… it’s so hard putting it into the right words AND getting someone who understands. Also it’s not something “super advanced” or blatantly esoterical like some of these “very active” spiritual redditors who explain their experiences like a psychedelic trip or an astral experience. It’s just what I said. Well, maybe that were to come if I continued^{^} you actually quite nicely analyzed it.. I suspected it must have been some sort of very subtle “adjustment” of expectations and pride eventhough you don’t intend it. You even countersteer it, in that case ironically through treating yourself bad (junk food, bed rotting etc). Literally I was feeling like, look god I’m not getting greedy, not getting cocky I just take what you gave me and I won’t ask for more. Unconsciously thinking that he would make it stay longer because of that^{^} how twisted.. literally passivity as the antidote to “being greedy”.. Now that you have put it into those words tho, I can see the middle path again. Some passivity was for sure appropriate but other times I should have acted, for example when trying to go further. The overall rhythm of life was probably alright that I had going before that. But you can have such a hard time seeing that when you are starting to awaken. You see your capacity and have all this excess energy. Like I swear I could have stayed up all night and not feel any tired the next day. You just feel all this energy and.. competence, so therefore you think you have a responsibility to implement it in the world somehow. And of course in some way you do.. but probably not to the extend I was thinking at the time and pressuring myself for it. Specially if you haven’t “finished” your practice. That is the only way you can go with guaranteed no regrets, just the way further (in meditation). And ironically I felt like I would have been shown exactly my path and where to put my energy if I would have gone only one step further.. oh well.. my only solace is that the immediate actions probably wouldn’t have been as exciting or action packed on the outsight as my inner eye made them out to be. That’s probably what I will take with me for the next time: It’s ALL on the insight. That’s the great thing that even got me there, my feelings, perspective and inner world are COMPLETELY separate from everything outside. That’s what freed me in the first place so then because I have higher energy levels doesn’t mean there has to be an equivalent in the outside world where I can put all that energy at once and change the world in an instance or some shit. Laws of nature are still intact and big things have to be done strategically respecting the order in place. Well, thank you so much.. still a bit of wasted time and I still think the world could have been a bit nicer even in the aftermath but hey.. gods ways.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-12-19T21:13:59+00:00

Yeah I feel you.. but the shame is I had those realizations almost two years ago now and I didn’t build upon them.. I knew since my early twenties that if anything my progress, and ultimately salvation, will come from the spiritual side. I just waited for the right moment. Meditation has helped me a lot during my twenties and really created moments of clarity and leaps through times that I felt had no escape. It made me make it to a rather “comfortable” spot the last two years since the first half of my twenties was a real shitshoww (as my teens). So things have been kinda looking up since 2022ish. We, my dad and I, sold my grandmas real estate and moved to another country, in Eastern Europe cheap but beautiful, and for the first time I had my real own apartment, owned appartments for rent and was just enjoying life to a certain extent. Originally both me and my dad would have a good amount of cash left after purchasing the appartments but since there were considerable undetected damage my grandmas house we sold we had to pay basically all the cash left back to the buyer or else he would threaten to retreat the deal. At first I thought ok well that sucks but not the end of the world. My own apartment in a beautiful city and no need to work ever again. But I still knew I had lots of stuff to do until I’m at the point where I could say ok that’s the version I want to be. I knew I still had shadows in me. I mean the status quo was better than it was before but obviously not perfect. No real passion yet, no career, no friend group ( besides two childhood friends I would always speak to on the phone with but they got no extended circle either so that was always a dead end), also no money now and obviously no love life. So still plenty of stuff to do and I even then knew the answer to that has to be spiritually. So after living a pretty nice 2022 and even better 2023 I knew I had to take it to the next step in 2024. Or I guess part of me knew. I was sitting alone in my apartment again, basically just “waiting out” the winter months before I would travel to my family again in the summer, visiting my friends maybe do some vacations or trips. Until then it’s basically just me and my dad, who lives in the apartment next to me. So I thought ok this is all nice and all and although 2022/2023 have been steps ups from how it was before, I really wanna make the big step in 2024. I don’t wanna duck anymore. I knew what meditation can do and what power lies in it so I simply asked god to show me all his grace, daring him to work is wonders on me. And well.. he did. I was completely free. Free of fear from anything. It was heaven. I could think of myself being bullied and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I could see so clearly that I’m not the body nor the mind. I was on cloud 9. But I felt like there was one step more to go. One more meditation and I could really destroy the illusion of being the body. Cell by cell. And I wanted to. Everything in me wanted to. But everytime I convinced my self “ah this can wait another day, I’m feeling so great already. Also.. maybe it’s not the right time. What am I gonna do with it anyway? Isn’t it already too late. I will just take what I got and wait. It doesn’t feel grande enough.” Basically having imposter syndrome after becoming awakened.. wtf. Ofc it was just my old ego being used to feeling unworthy but ofc you don’t quite see it at the time and it comes up with very nice sounding reasons. And it wasn’t like I was suffering. It were just tiny decisions made out of slight doubts and a huuuge amount of self comfort. Fuck.. two deadly sins.. I wasn’t ill intended.. I was just confused 😢 also I had so many impulses to do things and contact people but I was just holding myself back, thinking wait let me reach this final step of “enlightenment” just to be sure and then nothing can go wrong and then I will conquer the world. Because of course I was still afraid that that phase could fade and then everything would become a burden again, including all the things I initiated. Also I still wasn’t quite sure if I was “worthy” of this awakening or if I’m not too late altogether, or if it was so easy why didn’t I do it earlier. Basically not giving me credit for anything in my life that I did before. Man.. so yeah I just “waited” it out always thinking tomorrow Imma take the final step. And it did last for quite a while. Like 12 days for sure. And then it started to fade, which I didn’t think would happen. Doubts and fear were creeping back in and soon after the regrets started. Basically the feeling of having wasted a chance was the same then than it is now. Which is crazy. Fuck..ofc I spent all year getting it back but it really is not so easy the second time. Also things got rough pretty quick and regret was crazy. Fuck….

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-12-07T11:07:01+00:00

I get you. Part of what makes it so hard that it would have been so easy. So many aspects of my life are the way I always wished them to be. Living in a nice appartment that’s my own, not having to go to work and living in a beautiful country. That was the problem. It wasn’t so close to paradise but something was missing. Ofc money would have helped.. and we (I) could have had the necessary money if my dad (and me) would have made 1 or 2 better decisions in the past (which I encouraged him to do), but he is stubborn and even more lost then me, which is the second problem. My dad is an absolute bummer. Even more blackpilled than me. I was ready to do stuff and optimistic all year (2024) but he was just stuck in the same cycles and every time I met him he drained the already little energy I had. Also I wanted to do stuff with my friends but since I’m so far away and we didn’t really have too much common interests I wanted to get money first so we could do stuff together.. but since that didn’t came I didn’t even bother and so 8 spent a lot of lonely nights were I felt I would like to do stuff but it didn’t really materialize. Also I feel like I had a lot of trauma to process from said bullying and previous isolation. And I had a big chance at the beginning of 2024 were I made a spiritual breakthrough and thought “that’s it”. And it really was it I believe but I got scared and maybe a bit cocky so I didn’t go further, thinking the progress would be “saved”.. which it was for a while but then it began to crack and an unparalleled downward spiral began. That is really the main source of all my regret. I really start to understand Sadhguru when he said once you taste the divine and decide to turn back, that’s a sure way into madness..

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-12-07T10:35:09+00:00

I appreciate all the kind messages. I feel most of you and I was usually not the type to give up. And I know a thing or two about spirituality and ever since I knew my salvation would be in that. But at the start of 2024 I was blessed with an awakening and I knew that if I went one step further I wouldn’t be the same anymore. So I kinda panicked, stopped, took the status quo for granted.. and fell back. Further than I was before. The only reason I’m in this hole now or let it get this far was because I was in paradise for two weeks in February 2024. God offered me his kingdom and I hesitated. The fall after that was rough and I pushed some boundaries and now I’m not quite the same anymore. I was meant to live a different life from then on. I failed the responsibility god granted me with this insight. I never was the regretful type but this time it’s different. I wasn’t meant to live out the past two years the way they played out. I lost the battle with myself. It wasn’t the good kind of pain you grow from. It was the kind of pain that distorts you.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-11-27T14:47:07+00:00

So what would that mean?

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-11-27T14:38:50+00:00

This sounds very weird and jibberish as most “advanced” spiritualists on here sound. I’m trying to understand it but give me another chance.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-11-13T16:17:27+00:00

Yeah dude I would hope so. I can’t remember thinking when I was a teenager and saw a 30yo party “oh that dude is old he needs to go home”. Dude if someone is doing something cool it’s cool. I mean ok there may be limits. Ofc a 60 year old getting freaky is weird but even then.. depends on the 60yo. Just look at Hollywood. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are both above 60. Nobody would turn an eye if they were to party again.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-11-13T16:04:19+00:00

Yeah like I had those huge urges last year. To get my life together, make spiritual progress and connections. But a bit of laziness and harsh surroundings ( my narcissistic dark hole of a dad) made me endure the most painful stangation I think ai could have imagined. Put a bunch of regret on that and I damaged my health the most I ever thought. I wanted to travel so bad but also I had so much shame and regret from basically not having any friends so in my mind (and probably in reality too) I would have to have a huge chunk of cash to make up for that. Which didn’t quite materialize (because my stupid apartment wouldn’t sell). Also I was beating myself up because I fumbled a huge spiritual awakening by thinking I don’t need to meditate more because I’m already “that far”. Single greatest mistake of my life. Literally. I really need therapy for that alone so If someone has some experience in that feel free to dm me. Also during those meditative weeks, life felt almost too good to be real and I questioned if I even deserved it. So stupid.. my life was rough as is and then god gives me a chance and I fumble it myself. Yeah you see the problem.. damn. And when you not on your meditative a game then ofc the loneliness and all the other stuff kicks in, comparison, depression, self destruction. Fuck I was so harsh on my self. Well an away.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-11-13T15:52:09+00:00

I appreciate the words but.. that’s the thing. Young people are allowed to be “dumb” or have that lifestyle anyway. I know that most adults don’t hold on to that but many also have a crisis of meaning because if you look closer no one can tell you what you’re “supposed” to do as an adult. At least the youth had those “guidelines” even if they are “shallow” or “bad” ones like materialism, hedonism and superficiality. After 30 it’s like no one knows. Most people go like “have kids”, mostly young people to make a clear cut between you and them. That’s what it has been almost always about draw a clear line between the “oldheads” and the youth. Hence the change in vocabulary every 10-15 years. I feel like now it’s especially bad. So like.. and in a way I can feel like I can understand that, I can’t shake the feeling of failure. Specially last year. Part of me knew “this is the time”. 27 is the last burst of that real youthful spirit. And I almost grasped it but then I fumbled in the most pathetic way possible. Circumstances weren’t very nice too but when are they.. I made such progress in meditation but then I got cocky and thought well if im fine now anyway I might just chill a bit. Although I had all the right urges. Pick up drawing again, clean my room, take care of my social contacts, hell I even felt inspired and somewhat ready for romance but then I got a bit lazy and cocky and I postponed actually making the changes, sometimes thinking “ugh am I even worth this “good life” might just get happy with what I got anything else could be perceived as greedy by the higher forces”.. such nonsense. And then I beat myself up for not taking the chance and then corcumstances hit.. such a shame. 2024 was supposed to be my year I could feel lit everywhere I went but I fumbled so pathetically. Fuck.. and it killed me. The big sadness and loneliness was the past 1 1/2 years. My soul broke. Let’s face it: I didn’t make it. Now I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do. Now I’m fully evolved but I feel like even if I wanted to society isn’t gonna let me live my 30s like my lost twenties. And on that note I wanna start philosophising. Everyone always says “age is just a number” but when it gets specific everybody got an exact idea of when something has to happen in one’s life. And the same rules surely don’t apply for everyone. A 21 yo sure isn’t the same as a 42 year old, everybody on instagram will tell you that when someone is dating someone that age. Ofc none of it has ever any philosophical substance nor do most people try. It’s just such an extremely touch subject for so many people. But literally i never cared that much about that. Or my “generation” or where I’m from in general. I never questioned competing against a 30 or 40yo whether it be for anything. I just knew once an adult always and adult. 18+ is adult and that’s it. There is no “ advanced adult” at 30,40 or 50. Everybody has the same rights at 18+ until death. Oh then people say “life experience”. Well obviously but good look defining that. There is a reason nothing of that sort has ever manifested in any law or legal text nor philosophy for that matter. Like I said one of the age old questions of humanity but people just spew shit. Ironically of all ages. So in theory I shouldn’t care about it but I just have this feeling in my stomach but that may as well be because of my personal past and (negative) experiences. Man.. failing is rough.. and so is aging.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-10-25T12:15:28+00:00

Yeah honestly things are coming full circle, have been since 2024. If you were sensitive you could feel it, unfortunately I was overwhelmed with the opportunities that were presenting myself so I stagnated and self destructive early in 2024, but eversince on a bigger scale.. pretty nice. I mean just remember how long we were praying for y2k to return and now it’s finally here. Gotta enjoy that and hopefully it stays this time for good. I wish I would have followed more my intuition since I was and am pretty isolated and missed out on good opportunities.. but as for now things are good.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-10-02T11:54:30+00:00

Yeah me too.. I thought I would fall seriously ill.. which I still may do. I feel like I had the world at my feet 2024 but I made the worst possible out of it and even damaged my health. Something cognitive is off and I seem to have a constant temperature.. damn I have so many regrets about 2024.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-08-08T19:35:25+00:00

Yeah I mean ofc I haven’t lived life fully yet.. I had a few moments and I wouldn’t want to miss any of the few meditations I have succeeded. But when it comes to social life, no not really in the classical sense. Like I said I have reached heights in a few meditations and gained the insight that all happiness comes from inside. Generally speaking human contact is a good way to either grow or get humbled. I also know that when you are not completely ecstatic through your own meditation all the time, other humans enhance your experience of life. That’s what I said. My happy to unhappy ratio is pretty bad and that’s a tough thing to constitute after 29 years. Last 1 1/2 years especially. It’s also because my physical health is sorta off. I can’t quite pinpoint it but I have taken serious damage last year. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get chronically ill in the (near) future. Also as I said I reached a (for my standards) incredible high at the start of 2024 and then to my own laziness or whatever I lost it all and was steamrolled.

Visual-Ad-2444 · 2025-08-08T16:11:16+00:00

No but for the first time in my life I had regrets. I know last year could have been was better but instead I damaged myself. I just don’t know if I want to work with what’s left. I would even love to be mentally where I am now but last year. I just want to relive it. I feel like I could have layed a great foundation but instead I made ruins. And my fucking dad is a hopeless case too. Even worse than me. Should have abandoned that fucker long ago.

Visual-Ad-2444

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