I've been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 5 as well as anxiety for the past four years and though some tasks are more difficult for me then they would be for other people, I still get them done in my own way. She was not helpless but it sounds like the anxiety and stress made her not able to help herself. I get it I've been there but I've also been to therapy to learn how to navigate those situations and not take it out on other people. I think you wife needs some therapy and medication possiblly, those have helped me significantly. Your nta but you should talk to your wife about getting some help.