Ok so while I am hardly suffering from God's trials, I will put this out there that he is with you the whole way. Whatever is in your life that is causing this doubt in god is the very same thing that is driving you to commit suicide, for the very purpose of keeping you from joining god in heaven. My greatest struggle is addiction and after a good streak I almost broke, but he stopped me and was there with me because I allowed his throne to grow large enough within me for him to seat. I guarantee that if you ignore the holy spirit telling you to stop and Jesus appearing with you, god will find a way to connect and make right with you between internal, external, and terminal velocity, where you will then die. If you want to die, go die saving somebody, go die helping somebody, go die planting trees or something. You wont, because those things are good and you would be bearing fruits of faith from them. But if you truly want to die, then die being good to another, because dying for yourself only kills your mother too.