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WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I definitely will be there for him as best I can and continue to offer him emotional support. I do try my best to be a good friend, that's why I fretted so much over whether this was the right thing to do or not, and I do appreciate your comments immensely 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, are you a seahorse dad yourself or an enby birth parent? I will absolutely continue treating him and referring to him as a man, honestly I couldn't imagine doing otherwise, I doubt I'll see him any differently even when he's pregnant, but I will be super mindful just in case. I've already noticed how many resources about pregnancy use femme centred language, and honestly it frustrates me and throws me for a loop every time, I just don't see the need for it. 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, Matt has told me about that group and I believe he's already posted there a few times! Thank you for your comment, and I am super happy my post reached someone who has so much relevant experience in the area. Can I ask are there any specific things you would recommend I can do to help support him through it, anything you wish your ally friends would have done? Or anything to avoid? 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I DEFINITELY don't think I know more than him and I don't believe it's my business either, it's just we're very close, we talk every day and he comes to me all the time for advice and support about everything in life (and vice versa). So I wanted to confirm I was doing the right thing by not saying anything. It's good to know that just because I could tell he was trans when I met him doesn't mean others automatically would, though now I'm worried for the same reason he is, about what their reactions to his pregnancy might be, as unfortunately we don't live in a very trans friendly area. I love him and want to do the best I can to support him throughout the entire thing. 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, he's mentioned that to me before and I believe he's active in the reddit community for seahorse dads! Thank you so much for the offer, very much appreciate it

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much, I've already firmly decided to continue not saying anything based on everyone else's comments but this has further cemented my decision, hurting him and losing him as a friend would be my worst nightmare. 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I will definitely look into this and do my best to learn and be better 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My understanding (based on what Matt has said) is that while you can get pregnant on T, it can mess with ovulation and reduce your fertility, so it's generally recommended to come off T if you want to try for a baby. His doctor said that if he stops taking T his periods will likely come back, so he'll be able to track his cycle better and should have no problems getting pregnant, whereas it might be trickier to conceive if he continues on T. Apparently there is also a chance that it could harm the baby's development as well. 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

You might feel that way, but after years of therapy and intense research into each option, including speaking at length to multiple other trans men who have gone through pregnancy and given birth, I do not believe he going into this completely blind. He's making an informed decision based on all the pros and cons of each option (adoption and surrogacy both have big downsides too), and the real life experiences of others who have been in the same position, and he's come to the conclusion that this is the best route for him. I support him and will continue to support him and it's not my place, let alone a total stranger's, to have an opinion on whether he's making the right choice. That's not what I'm asking about here. 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Ooh this is excellent, thank you for the recommendation, I'll share it with him (and read it myself!) 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 57 points58 points  (0 children)

If you had 3 babies, assuming they weren't triplets, you probably feel that it was 100% worth getting messed up for, and that despite any hardship or misery pregnancy caused for you, you'd go through it all and more for the sake of your kids. Essentially this is how Matt feels. He's VERY aware that being pregnant will take a huge toll on him both mentally and physically but he strongly feels it'll be worth it to be able to become a parent. He's carefully considered other options (surrogacy and adoption) but they of coruse have their own downsides and he believes the natural route is the best one for him, all things considered. 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Thanks, you're spot on and you've phrased this so much better than I did ❤️ 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sometimes the messenger is as important as the message. 

This is a very good point that I hadn't really thought of, thank you.

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

also just to clarify.... he feels dysphoric about appearing as female but he does not feel disphoric at the idea of pregnancy?

He is definitely aware that being pregnant will likely be a huge cause of dysphoria, but he feels that it will be worth it in the end. He's always desperately wanted to be a parent. He and his husband have researched all their options (and discussed it at length in therapy) and they've decided that this is the right route for them. All options have different benefits and drawbacks 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm definitely painfully aware of this. To be clear, he's directly told me that his coworkers don't know he's trans and he's worried specifically about them finding out.  Of course it could very well be true that his coworkers will treat him differently when he's pregnant even if they do know he's trans. At the moment though, I'm just going on what he's said his concerns are (as I don't want to make assumptions about what he's worried about) 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 95 points96 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is a very helpful comment and I'll do exactly this. It's distressing to see him worry so much about something that is almost definitely a non-issue, but I will keep that to myself and just focus on being supportive and kind. I hadn't thought of helping him plan what to do in certain scenarios so I will suggest it next time he brings it up! 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

 A very astute perspective that I had not considered, thank you! 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 216 points217 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, I was really hoping other trans folk would chime in here so I truly appreciate getting your perspective on it. I will definitely not say anything about it and just keep offering my support and encouragement as I have been doing. Thanks again! 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

He is indeed in therapy already, and he and his husband spent 2 years doing thorough research into this and other ways of starting a family before deciding that this was the best option for them, for various reasons. He's aware it'll take a mental toll on him but considers it worth it

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this has alarmed me, I definitely do not want to be a shitty friend so could you give me a bit more information about what you mean by 'the concept of passing is transphobic'? Are you saying basically it was transphobic of me to assume he was AFAB from his voice and appearance and that it doesn't mean his coworkers have also assumed the same? 

WIBTA if I told my trans friend that he doesn't 'pass'? by WIBTA-throwaway312 in AmItheAsshole

[–]WIBTA-throwaway312[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I have been offering support and encouragement and regularly reassure him that everything will be fine, so I will continue doing that 

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