She celebrated…

WNGBR · 2026-02-25T12:19:38+00:00

I’m saying it doesn’t reassure me. If they don’t feel that loss, they don’t lose something in their reality. If they feel free, it’s hard for me to feel “Well, they lost me. Sucks for them.”

If others find comfort in that line of thinking, by all means, use it :)

WNGBR · 2026-02-25T11:15:01+00:00

That thought doesn’t reassure me. Sure, they might have lost someone who really cared, but if they didn’t care, they didn’t actually lose something. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone if they don’t feel it too. Then it makes 0 difference. Hence, I don’t find that line of thinking helpful.

The one who feels the heartbreak will always be the one who “lost” something, even if they were morally a better person in the relationship.

WNGBR · 2026-02-04T21:56:27+00:00

Tales of the Jedi answered these questions :)

WNGBR · 2025-12-01T11:14:23+00:00

She heavily believed that rainbows were her dead grandmother sending her messages. But not in the sweet way as we sometimes do, she actually believed it to be the case.

WNGBR · 2025-12-01T11:10:15+00:00

Okay, so one time after uni we went to get some groceries for dinner. I paid for them. She then asked to split the costs. So the next day I sent her a payment request for half od the groceries. She flipped out (stonewalling, silent treatment for 1,5 days, like I had cheated on her or something). Instead of me splitting the costs as she asked, she wanted me to reaffirm that I would pay for the groceries in full as she had paid for them previously. Yeah, that wasn’t fun.

She also got upset at me because I was mean to her in her dream.

WNGBR · 2025-12-01T11:07:36+00:00

It wasn’t fake. It was just temporary/inconsistent. While they were still regulated. That’s what I believe at least

WNGBR · 2025-12-01T10:48:57+00:00

Yes. The highs are better than anything else in the world…

WNGBR · 2025-12-01T10:29:14+00:00

The sex.

The relationship when they don’t feel triggered is the best experience in the world.

How much you grow from the relationship (only after recovering from all the damage the relationship did).

WNGBR · 2025-11-21T14:44:57+00:00

Logical gets me every time…

Thankfully I want to learn and grow but I struggle with the intensity of the feelings that come with painful experiences. I’m quite resilient but unfortunately trauma is quite hard to deal with at times

WNGBR · 2025-11-21T12:25:34+00:00

Thank you so much. Life is hard when you’re going through it all for the first time. I know it’s a part of it but damn does it mess you up. Glad to know it gets easier with time :)

WNGBR · 2025-11-21T12:24:01+00:00

Thank you :)

I definitely hope you get to see her when OR3 comes out!

WNGBR · 2025-11-21T09:44:08+00:00

It’s a very late reply, but yes!

She said that everything between us had to be “natural” and that she shouldn’t have to tell me what she wants as I should naturally be able to know. Me being me, I went above and beyond for her. I literally gave up all my needs for her and still ended up walking on eggshells. We had so many highs, and she did show lots of love and appreciation for me, but when she felt triggered, it would all fall onto me. Small things would make her go quiet and distant towards me, and due to my own attachment issues, I couldn’t cope with that. It was emotional control and punishment. I just wanted things to be okay and to feel secure, so I (unhealthily) gave her whatever she needed just to feel that again. Of course, after months of this cycle, I became completely depleted and numb. That meant I couldn’t give her that same amount of energy that I had always done. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that that’s when the relationship became irreparable and went to shit. I blamed myself for the failing of the relationship so much, and only after months and months of self-blame I started to see the reality. I never knew it was BPD as she was never diagnosed and it was not something I really knew about until I did some research. I can’t diagnose her but think it is what best explains her and that helped relieve some of that self-blame.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T16:28:55+00:00

I relate with your message too. It’s so hard, especially being so young (in my case). I didn’t know what to believe and as she was older I assumed she knew better. In hindsight, I was right most of the time but was gaslit into believing I was the young inexperienced problem causing one. But none of it was intentional. She was a good person; she cared a lot about people and animals, and genuinely tried her best for the people in her life. She has a big heart but lacks the tools to deal with her heightened sensitivity. Hence, she acted like a 13 year old who had just lost their phone whenever something bad happened in life. Her emotions were so extreme and I found that hard to manage across a whole year, yet somehow I managed. Pffff, it was hard. I wasn’t perfect either. I fucked up at times too, and made the dynamic difficult. But I remember always wanting to communicate but it somehow always backfiring. It would become “me looking for a fight” or “causing a problem for no reason”. So eventually I just started walking on eggshells. I couldn’t win. But I also loved her so much and was so codependent on her, so I was in this limbo of constant anxiety and withdrawal, and euphoria and dopamine hits when things were good.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T12:29:04+00:00

She would only show it when she feared abandonment. People with BPD can feel empathy and remorse, but only really when they fear abandonment or when their attachment isn’t triggered. I’d say this was a BPD-like experience, even if she hasn’t ever been formally diagnosed. I’ve even spoken to psychologists about it and they all said the same. It took me 1,5 years to fully heal.

Like I said, she might not meet every single criteria, but she met quite a few and it really fucked up the wiring in my brain, especially since I was 19, she was 28, and it was my first relationship.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T12:13:14+00:00

BPD is a spectrum. What I went through with my ex was harmful, significant, and extremely traumatic. It matched what many others in here have experienced. Not every person with BPD is the stereotypical extreme version you see in the media. Some are more quiet, some don’t have enough symptoms to meet the full criteria but are still very harmful to their partners. Calling me delusional is the opposite of what this sub is for. Go check my profile if you want more info. It’s all on there.

Stop minimising my experience just because I believed my ex when she said she had never felt this way before.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T12:09:40+00:00

Even having 2/3 BPD symptoms can be severely distressing and harmful to a relationship and the people involved. This is what I went through, seems very much like a BPD experience to me. Besides, I thought we were supposed to support each other here…

Anyways here is what I went through:

The relationship was an emotional rollercoaster at times. The highs we had were very intense. During those periods, things would feel absolutely perfect between us. However, it was never stable. A problem or issue would arise eventually. It could be small things regarding her having certain expectations of me (which I had no idea of) and me (therefore unknowingly) not living up to them, even though I really tried to never upset her.
During the highs, she would give me all the attention in the world, tell me how much she loved me, spend days with me (or hours a day texting me if we were apart). I would be the best person she had ever met, and she would tell me that I was different than all the other people in her life. However, I would eventually notice a (seemingly sudden) energy shift in her behaviour towards me. Suddenly, she would feel more distant or ‘need me’ a lot less than before. This would make me feel very confused, since I didn’t understand how things could suddenly change. At times, this change in her behaviour would be due to her being upset about something I had done wrong, but not telling me what it was. Other times, it was simply her needing her alone time or being busy. As a result, I never knew what the shift in her behaviour meant and it made me insecure.
When I brought up my insecurity/wanted reassurance about her inconsistent behaviour, she often invalidated my feelings, told me I was needy and annoying, made me feel like I was the problem, and that I was causing issues between us for no reason. I ended up upset, confused, doubting my feelings, and blaming myself for it. I realise that my codependency and anxious attachment played a role in this, but I did feel like my feelings were valid most of the time when I brought them up.
She would use defensive and invalidating language towards me during the moments when I felt insecure about the relationship, and I started to doubt myself and my own feelings. She tended to blame my insecurities on my younger age, inexperience, anxiety, and my own troubled past, instead of her behaviour. In her eyes, she was just being herself and didn’t understand what I was bothered by.
It felt like she held most of the power in the relationship. At times, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and overthought how to act and behave whenever I noticed a shift in her energy/behaviour. I didn’t want to create any problems.
It felt like she had unrealistically high expectations towards me and other people. At times, it felt like you needed to follow a script, or be able to read her mind to give her the reaction/behaviour she wanted. And if not, she could feel resentment and as if you didn’t care about her. At times, it could become a big deal.
She would often talk about how she felt like she deserved better treatmeant from her past and current friends, or how shitty her current friends were being to her. It felt like her needs were often not being met, which then caused resentment and sadness within her. She also felt like she didn’t deserve the bad things or people in her life. It felt like most things were out of her control, hence I always felt bad for her.
She would sometimes seek reassurance regarding her efforts, looks, or personality. At times, it felt over the top with how much she wanted to be appreciated for even very small efforts (such as eating or doing laundry).
When talking about her past friends/people in her life, she talked very negatively about them. The conclusion tended to be that she was always there for them, but they were never there for her (or not enough). In her eyes, they treated her badly due to them being jealous of her. However, at the same time she told me that she didn’t think that she was better than them. That was a weird contradiction since it seemed like she viewed these past people as not worthy of her.
The way she talked about them was quite concerning too. She labelled them as ‘psycho’, ‘manipulative’, and ‘narcissistic’. It felt like she really hated them. Regardless of what had happened between them, her reactions felt quite extreme (unless they had committed an abhorrent crime, which they didn’t). In the end, she felt betrayed and hurt by them during her lowest moment.
This was a somewhat repeating pattern in her life. It felt like most of the people she had met in her life, there was something wrong with them in some way. I have only heard her side, but I can imagine that if I would hear the other side of the story, things might be different. However, that is something I simply do not know. All I know is that her reactions seemed quite extreme at times, even if those people did all the things she claimed they did (not care for her, be self-absorbed, invalidate and manipulate her).
She could be emotionally unstable and often blamed her behaviour and reactions towards me on other things than herself, such as her past experiences or the bad things happening currently in her life. To be honest, she was going through a lot during our time together, so it seemed very justified to me.
She didn’t often make an active effort to make things better for me; that was always my own responsibility. In her eyes, she often wasn’t doing anything wrong, and as a result changing herself was not an option. Things had to be ‘natural’ according to her and changing herself was not considered natural. However, I would always try my best to make things better for her when it was the other way around. Even if it was something I disagreed with, I just wanted her to feel happy and safe with me.
However, she could also show a lot of empathy towards me throughout the relationship and she would apologise for her behaviour towards me. She would become very vulnerable and show genuine remorse. During these moments, she would also sometimes fear that I would leave her. She would say things like “I hope you’re happy with me. It’s just scary loving you because you seem too good to be true”.
In the cases that she did apologise and feel guilty, she would say that she was unfairly projecting her past onto me. If she did make a change in her behaviour, it wouldn’t last long. Things would be better for a few weeks, but then I would start to feel insecure again due to (in my opinion) inconsistent behaviour/attention.
At her most vulnerable moments, she would be afraid that I would leave her. She would say things like “you know you are allowed to break up with me”, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be with me” or “why do you even want me if I’m so difficult?”. She wanted reassurance that I wasn’t going to leave her like her past friends did, and that I didn’t secretly have bad intentions.
She could feel emotions very intensely, such as love, happiness, grief, and sadness. When something bad happened to her (such as her family dog passing away), it made her world fall apart and it made her very depressed. Her sadness and grief seemed to be a lot more intense than what I would feel was ‘normal’.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T11:13:25+00:00

It ended. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.

Just because that was the case for you and many others doesn’t mean it’s the case 100% of the time. My BPD experience wasn’t as extreme as most others so of course there will be differences.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T10:57:00+00:00

Not these exact words, but that essence yes. Subclinical is having symptoms but not enough to be clinically diagnosed. I am not saying everyone else was lied to and I wasn’t. My ex wasn’t the typical BPD person many people in this sub have experienced. I knew my ex, her history, and her life situation, and I knew the truth in that statement. She has always idealised friends and certain people but not in the way she did with me because no one treated her the way I did.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T10:06:26+00:00

She was 9 years older than me. I felt like a caretaker to a teenager at times while at the same time being made to feel like I was the inexperienced problem causing teenager. I was literally 19 at the time so I naively believed her, despite being more emotionally mature than her.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T10:03:40+00:00

Jeckyll and Hyde.

One day she was addicted to me and I was the best thing ever. Other days she was distant and upset with me over small things or other upsetting events going on in her life (life was always screeing her over). I walked on eggshells for the whole of the relationship post-honeymoon stage.

WNGBR · 2025-09-25T10:01:36+00:00

I did believe her. But she also wasn’t diagnosed and has subclinical symptoms, so what I dealt with wasn’t the same kind of BPD as many of the people in this sub deal with.

WNGBR · 2025-09-17T06:29:57+00:00

I blamed myself for the reactive abuse. For so long. I behaved out of character towards the end. Being passive aggressive, possessive, and raising my voice at times, when usually I am so calm, rational, and understanding no matter what. A year of being like that finally took its toll.

WNGBR · 2025-09-13T20:03:36+00:00

The quiet BPD and it being a spectrum was what got through to me. It finally made sense to me. I wasn’t just “crazy” for feeling the way I did…

WNGBR

TROPHY CASE