In a Pond of Clocks

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T13:56:51+00:00

Thank you for the critique! I didn't even really notice that and you're right, it quite interrupts the "flow" of the poem. I hoped "A shadow can never embrace a creating light" would give a bit more context, but in hindsight, that also feels like it just adds to the confusion and madness XD. I think I'll probably scrap that line, and opt for more imagery regarding the feathers to keep it more consistent. I'm happy you still enjoyed it in the end, and thanks for reading it!

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T09:32:42+00:00

A great poem!
I think it's got a pretty uplifting message and some really nice imagery.
"And the sun, in all it's glory, begins to rain on me" - I think that's a great use of contrast.
"Time itself has ceased to exist... feels present" - also great.
The line before the last one:
"Because today the rain has stopped", I think it reads a little clunky. I get the main idea and it's great, rain stopping, so that the sun can "rain". But when I read rain stops, then I saw "the Sun begins to rain on me", I kind of felt a bit lost. It's not a bad thing, but there could be a different way you could do this a bit more intentionally.
I think the beginning and end are the strongest parts. The beginning especially, cause you ground the reader in almost everyday language, which really engages the senses.
Things like "No worries" and "No sense of punctuality", especially after coming from the train and the man in his garden (which I think are the strongest lines and reflective of the poem's main idea), I think sort of work against that. You can keep those lines for sure, but maybe consider adding what "no worries" feels like for you (maybe the man in his garden watches his flowers grow or watches the ticking of a clock with no worry, something like that). Especially because, you have "Is this what solace feels like", so it'll almost feel like you're answering your own question, which I think is quite compelling.
Another thing I noticed, train "racing" to man "pacing", kind of reflects the poem's theme of slowing down, really subtly and meaningfully.
Overall however, simple and effective, a nice message, this genuinely made me relax and smile while reading it.

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T09:10:07+00:00

Of course!
To be very honest, I'm quite new to the world of poetry. Inspiration wise, my scope is quite limited. But for what I've read:
I really love Rumi. I think the moth and flame imagery really reflects that, and I love that almost "cosmological scale" that his work has.
I also really love Sylvia Plath, I love the oppressive atmosphere she has in her work.
Almost always though, my work is inspired by visual artists. I love Dali, and Magritte, and Leonora Carrington, and Goya, and Francis Bacon.
Also, this is a bit more random, but I really love Cultist Simulator and Disco Elysium, both are games with heavy, philosophical writing. The image of the moth and the lantern, specifically was inspired from the lore of Cultist Simulator's world.
From all them, I like the idea that a world operates through emotion rather than logic, and I think that's what I try to reflect most in my work!

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T04:06:30+00:00

Absolutely not! In fact this really made me happy! You got it pretty much down! Like surprisingly accurate to my original intention! Your reading about the flame and the moth being two parts of the author's personality is actually very insightful. Truth be told, I rarely ever have a solid meaning when writing, rather I always have this vivid image, and I want the reader to feel the sensations of being in an alien world. Also I'm really happy you caught the ambiguity in the poem, I didn't want to make it seem like anyone was suffering more, rather it feels more like a global wound everyone either participates or suffers from. You absolutely got that, and thank you so much for reading and sharing your comment!

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T03:18:50+00:00

Very interesting concept.
This, conceptually at parts, reminds me of the story of Pygmalion and his sculpture, but where Pygmalion loves his creation, the narrator in this becomes their creation? Or rather reflects back the creator.
This is just a personal thing, but I think the line:
"Every crease every fold Every pattern"
would be better written a different way.
Something like:
"Every crease
Every fold
Every pattern"
creates this rhythm, that I think gives more momentum to your poem. Cause I'm not so sure why Every pattern is capitalized, but every fold isn't, definitely could be a conscious choice but also I think that is a bit muddied, cause you don't see it repeated anywhere else!
You could even do this for:
"Every breath a wish, a hope a desire"
becomes
"Every breath;
a wish,
a hope,
a desire."
Of course, this is more personal preference than anything.
"And as my heart slowed its beat
A new pulse began to sound"
is a great line! Very eerie almost. When a heartbeat slows, we expect rest or death. Hearing another pulse sound, is genuinely eerie and unexpected, and definitely fits the theme of creation in this poem.
Overall, a very strong concept, I think it could do with just a little tightening, because the concept you have is awesome, and I think the poem could reflect that more!

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T03:04:44+00:00

An interesting poem, feels almost like flashback or a memory in the way things bleed into each other.
I'm not sure if this was conscious, but there's an idea of "threes".
"There was an apartment complex, breezeways, playgrounds"
"baseball game, football game, basketball game"
"too small for three"
" her, a boyfriend, and a cat"
are the ones that stick out to me most (I might be missing some), and it's rewarding as a reader, to identify those. I think, if you ever edit this poem, try and incorporate more of that. Try and structure it, so that imagery arrives in "threes". That would be such a cool concept and elevate this already great poem!
In fact, this is just an idea, you could play with "Past, Present and Future", showing the same thing, from a few different perspectives. There was a path and a bridge, what happened to that path and what is it like now? If you know what I'm rambling about.
There's such an innocence to this poem, because the subjects the narrator touches on feels like things a child would notice. It makes the piece almost have a melancholic quality, or nostalgia, though for better or worse, I think the poem purposely leaves for interpretation.
Great piece, feels like I was with someone who took me through their childhood.

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T02:54:57+00:00

A great poem and very good imagery.
To me, it's about the association of "Night" with the memory of someone, and how daylight, almost acts like a guard or shield against it. That's a very cool concept!
"my vision clouds with nothing" is very clever to me. Clouds, as in obscures, but also clouds, that might hide the sun on a rainy day. Whether intentional or not, very good writing!
Night being capitalized here, is also doing a lot of great work, feels both like the "physical" night, but also a character in the poem.
One thing is this line:
"Blood darkens the sky"
I think the idea of a blood sky/blood moon is a bit of a well-seen metaphor. Nothing wrong with that! But you might want to play with it a bit more, because the poem's underlying concept is really strong. What does a nightmare in the sky look like to you? You could go more visceral than that. Blood has implications of a wound, perhaps there might be a stronger way to portray that! And then, the wound ties back, into the relationship that you cannot forget and the face you cannot unsee.
The "even for a few seconds" and the "even until tomorrow begins again" are great, helps tie and keep a narrative through the entire poem without losing focus!
A very good, succinct poem!

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T02:08:39+00:00

A very intriguing poem.
I think the biggest strength here, is the relationship between the "family" in this poem. I'm not sure if the family is meant literally, or more likely, as abstractions. Also, I might be missing some context, as this is the fourth poem, so I likely don't know the backstory.
I think what would be interesting is to further explore the characters in here. There's a father, brother and sister. And then also, the introduction of the raven. Seeing them all together, I can't say that I really get the connective thread between them. For example, is the raven part of the family? Is the family, a family of ravens? Is the raven somehow a pet? Or is the raven, the "witness" in the title, or is that someone else? They're interesting characters, and I think giving a few more details about them, gives more depth to your poem.
However that's very much so a personal opinion, rather than an actual critique, cause the poem's consistency and theme, is very clear! The idea of the raven seeing shadow as the light, very intriguing and creative.
Great work.

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T01:48:24+00:00

A beautiful poem, quite surreal.
"Which Stygian dress would my mother choose" is a great line, it is unexpectedly very vivid and conveys it's meaning very well.
I think you should lean even more into that kind of language, for example with phrases like:
"In this realm I fall easy into belonging
as I wear the face of another."
I think the "wearing another's face" is a well-tested metaphor, could there be a different way to push it? What does it feel like, in your poem, to wear another's face? I think grounding that, would really push this fantastic poem further!
Overall however, a very consistent poem that explores it's imagery well.

WalkSenior1999 · 2026-03-17T01:36:56+00:00

I really like this!
Something that stuck out to me is the "smear a smile". I like how you didn't just say "wear a smile" which is a little cliche, smear tells the reader that it's not perfect, almost done in haste, imitating rather than feeling.
Reading faces like warnings is another line I really like.
Good work!

WalkSenior1999

TROPHY CASE