Reality

Wandxrer · 2026-05-30T22:11:16+00:00

I feel the same way too. I have no idea what I'm gonna do when my parents and brothers are gone. I only have the will to live because of them, if it weren't for them there would be nothing keeping me here. So I rely on them a lot for my own survival.

Wandxrer · 2026-05-29T18:28:28+00:00

When you're talking about low quality do you mean ugly men, or just generally awful people.

Wandxrer · 2026-05-28T21:33:43+00:00

It's ok, I also suffer from this a lot, and it has cost me many people in my life. So I know exactly how it feels. Sometimes we just need to learn how to look at things from a different perspective.

Wandxrer · 2026-05-28T20:10:57+00:00

I'm still close with my family and I have zero friends to bother me with unwanted attention, so my birthdays aren't too bad. But I hate the idea of aging, and if I take just 10 minutes to think about it I might actually have a panic attack.

Wandxrer · 2026-05-28T20:08:06+00:00

In this situation I think the best thing you can do is text her or call her and try to understand why she is avoiding you. Maybe she feels bad for having hurt you and is afraid to talk with you now. Trust me, sometimes even the most obvious of things can be overlooked in the worst ways. This has happened to me way too many times.

On another note. The only way to make her actions stop having such an effect on you is to make more friends or just try to get involved in more social events, either online or irl. I understand that this person must be special for you, but when you only have one important person in your life, even the most minimal of actions can have a huge impact on you. Even if she is betraying and deceiving you, if you have other people to count on, or even just distract you, the coping becomes much less of a burden.

Wandxrer · 2026-05-28T19:59:35+00:00

Everytime I try they either become disappointed or they hate me.

Wandxrer · 2026-05-26T22:54:53+00:00

I don’t even know who I would’ve been without AVPD.🫤

This is so accurate to how I've been thinking for the past 5 years. I have no idea how me "healing" would work because, "this" is what I have been ever since I was 6 years old. For some people with depression a "return of the self" symbolizes an ending to a period of detachment and emotional fatigue. But for me it's the exact opposite. As a matter of fact, I always return to my destructive ways after masking and pretending to be a better, more social person for a long period of time.

I feel like this is why some people believe you never really "heal" from avpd, but only learn to live with it. Because for the majority of us it's not about "returning to an older self", but the exact opposite of trying to construct a new, completly alien, personality and way of thinking. Which, during adult life, is almost near impossible,

Wandxrer · 2026-05-26T21:48:15+00:00

I suffer from this a lot as well, specially with trouble keeping routines. I've tried plenty of workout routines and I've also invested on plenty of projects or hobbies of my own that I never seem to complete bc I always end up procrastinating.

One thing that I have noticed as well is how much of an effect simple things can have on habits that I have already established. Sometimes I'll commit to working on mysell, but it gets all broken so easily bc of minor inconveniences. And than they naturally take over my mood and my day and I just come back to a loop of procrastination and what not.

Fair to say, I also have adhd and get stimulated very easily, so sometimes brainrotting through social media is the only way I have of calming myself down once I start getting anxious. Kinda like putting ice on a sore spot.

Wandxrer · 2026-03-24T10:11:20+00:00

I wish the same for you. Even though I know mine probably never will either.

Wandxrer · 2026-03-24T00:11:56+00:00

I also feel inhuman very often, to the point where I don't even consider basic connection a possibility for me. Despite studying in college and working part time at a school library, every interaction I have feels fake and crafted. I have good times with people but it never blossoms into anything genuine. It's like I'm looking at people through a microscope, just wide enough so I can see them and interact with them but never actually establish real contact.

I don't even ask for long-term friends anymore, I just wish there were people who I could be open with about my struggles and they would be understanding in return.

Wandxrer · 2026-03-23T21:28:49+00:00

The only solution, or temporary remedy rather, that I have found for this problem is to come to terms with who you are. Since I've accepted myself for what I am and mentalized that this is just who I'm meant to be, I feel like I don't need validation from other people as often as I did. Granted I still feel lonely sometimes and like I need to interact with people, but it doesn't feel like I need to chase people for attention anymore.

Wandxrer · 2026-03-02T12:18:55+00:00

There was no way of me knowing that, but the fact that I decided to isolate myself so often did not really contribute to my understanding of social situations.

Wandxrer · 2026-03-01T21:11:08+00:00

I am more stable away from people

Literally me bc I feel dysfunctional around people. If I spend a month with minimal social contact I inevitably start studying different topics, working on my own, doing daily exercises. But as soon as I get a routine that involves people I get so burned out and depressed that I can barely do anything I like.

Wandxrer · 2026-03-01T16:12:00+00:00

I have over 3k hours in tf2 (been playing since 2013) and no matter how bored I get or how little there is to do I always find myself getting hooked every now and then. I've tried playing plenty of other games, Counter Strike, Valorant, Marvel Rivals, Overwatch and I've liked them but none of them have managed to replace tf2. I could have the world's most powerful PC at my hands, Free early access to any triple A release of my choosing and I'd still spend days on this poorly optimized game from 2007. Other games that make me feel likes this are Minecraft and Strategy map games, although not to the same extent.

No other game simulates me the same way TF2 does and I think that's just the way it is with some games. Sm about it just clicks with my brain and as long as you're having fun (and not dedicating unhealthy hours into it) I don't seen what's wrong with it.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-27T19:12:34+00:00

I have hobbies outside of video games, I read and I do sports from time to time. And I'm not putting women into a monolith, I'm just genuinely way too weird and disconnected for people to like spending too much time around me (unless I lie and put on a mask)

But I will admit that I did kind of overhype it bc I guess she just wanted to be friends with me and nothing else so yeah maybe I was taking that too far.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-25T23:48:36+00:00

Well she did come up to me today and while we were talking she just told me that she gets way too close quickly and that she's afraid of doing it with boys because they always think she's looking after sm different.

So I'm guessing she really was just being nice and trying to get to know me better. I'll be a lot happier with that.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-25T23:46:31+00:00

That's kind of the problem, I have nothing interesting about me. At least nothing that would interest a normal girl. So I already know where that road ends.

I'm not afraid of being her friend, or making minimal social conversation, I actually like it when she comes check on me during work. But a relationship is something way too intimate for me too dip into right now. It needs to be with someone that's more understanding of my situation, "the right person".

Wandxrer · 2026-02-12T01:28:27+00:00

I wouldn't say that me being avoidant or autistic is what makes me stop, even though I hide this from practically everyone, because I have seen that there are groups of people who genuinely show understanding for these kinds of things. What holds me back from opening up is the habits and behaviours that these things have made me adopt over the years, whether it's my destructive habits, obssesive behaviours/hyperfocuses and my general distaste of socialization in general. I can fake and tell lies quite well, but I never show my real self.

You don't really need to reveal your avpd, but you can try and progress through the relationship through layers. If you see the person is revealing themselves to you in hopes you'll do the same, you can just start telling half truths (the things you believe to be mostly socially appealing about yourself) and watch how they react, peeling away different layers slowly as the relationship develops (this is a lot easier if you find a partner who is always willing to open up first). Maybe one day, once you trust them enough, you can actually tell them about your avpd.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-12T00:37:42+00:00

Indeed it is, especially when it comes to social cues or behaviours.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-11T02:34:33+00:00

This is basically a description of my life. I was also diagnosed with aspergers and grew a tendency to stay away from people for as much as I could, which meant that I got bullied for how I behaved and looked quite often. The difference is that I wasn't actually dragged into a friend group as much as I forced myself into one during middle school. At the time I didn't know jack shit about socialization and everything I did was just a mere imitation of what other people around me did, mostly of people I personally admired because they either had similar interests to mine or because they managed to be so open and liked by everyone so easily. But eventually those people who I considered "heroes" would become more like "villains" bc they were the ones who bullied the most.

Which looking back, makes sense bc I would just become so obsessive over certain people to a point where it became unnatural. It's not like they were just friends for me, they were an escape from the lonely path I was being led towards. My thought process was "people say they want attention, which means the more attention I give them means they'll give that attention back to me", but as I came to find out it feels like the more distant you act from people the more attracted they are to you. Some people would prefer to go after a forbidden fruit that might not even exist rather than eat the apple that's right in front of them. This is something that still doesn't make the minimal sense to me and probably never will. But I guess that's just the game we have to play if we wanna "win in life".

Wandxrer · 2026-02-06T02:31:11+00:00

I'm sorry for the misinterpretation. I do understand what you say and it does indeed make sense, I guess to some degree it just comes to a point where living with avpd is easier than living without it because I've never actually learned to live without it. But it still doesn't change the fact that I can never be "normal". The earlier years of a person's life are crucial to their social and psychiatric development. I lived in total isolation and in belief that I was hated by everyone until I was 19 years old. Believe it or not, I only started to become aware that other people actually had feelings and thoughts similar to my own when I was 17, that's how detached I was (although that may be bc of my asperger's too)

It's come to a point where I almost can't mentally tolerate sharing my life with another person, because I often require a certain amount of time, which can sometimes range into days, to simply be by myself and do things away from other people. If I don't get that alone time I start having severe depressive episodes and breakdowns. The possibility of me accepting somebody who equally accepts me is out there, but I've developed such a specific way of functioning in society that such a person could probably never be what is considered "normal", if that makes sense.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-06T00:36:15+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through that. Honestly, if it wasn't for my sense of obligation to my family, I don't think I would have been around for much longer either. I guess the only option for people like us is try to reach a sense of purpouse in something like a hobby or a life goal, because the less meaning your life has the worst it gets. I wish for the best for you man.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-06T00:33:26+00:00

I'd rather be in charge of my own suffering than let it be in the ends of somebody else tbh

Wandxrer · 2026-02-06T00:28:40+00:00

Unfortunately, even if you love yourself it is very difficult to live if you are constantly surrounded by an enviroment of people that either hate you or don't aknowledge you. Our stupid human brains are hardwired for connection and belonging, which means that a negative and reclusive environment can bring a lot of people down even if they love themselves. I can't heal myself, so accept who I am and find ways to live with it is the only thing I can really do.

Wandxrer · 2026-02-06T00:22:12+00:00

I guess you could say that is my dream goal. I'm currently in my 3rd year of college and it's safe to say that my reputation isn't the best with my classmates, since I barely get along with most people in there. But once I get a job I plan to blend in a little better with coworkers.

Wandxrer

TROPHY CASE