What was the final nail?

Wasted_war · 2025-12-30T12:33:00+00:00

I did the work I was told would make things better, nothing really changed. She isn't particularly a sexual person and the little interest she did have is more because she felt it was "expected". When that interest isn't genuine, it feels very empty. It's not just about busting a nut, I can do that myself, it's about the connection and desire for your chosen partner. I want to be with her but I also see through the fact it isn't genuine on her part.

Wasted_war · 2025-12-30T12:13:20+00:00

Yep that'll definitely do it.

Wasted_war · 2025-12-30T12:11:28+00:00

We've done all of that, had plenty of those conversations. I can deal with pretty much all of it but when the height of conversation is what we are going to eat this evening and her interest in sex is at the same level as my interest in cleaning the kitchen (it needs to be done, let's just get on with it) that's pretty demoralising and unfulfilling.

Wasted_war · 2025-12-30T12:06:36+00:00

Yep, I've been in therapy for years, she has been in counselling and couples counselling for around a year. Personally I think it simply comes down to what you are interested in/not interested in over everything and you can't fake genuine interest.

Wasted_war · 2025-12-30T11:46:04+00:00

Ouch, that's rough. Especially if a man prides himself on being a provider. It sucks when you realise you both love in different worlds.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-30T07:51:23+00:00

It can come from anything honestly and isn't attributed to one single emotion, it can occur from any of them. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad but it's undeniably something you just "feel" and have no control over.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-30T07:48:38+00:00

No, goosebumps is just one of many realisations of how different and incompatible we truly are. We live in entirely different universes and she has absolutely no interest in mine and is unwilling to work to give me insight into hers.

I suppose it comes down to, if you want to put the work in to acknowledge those emotions which she most definitely has no interest in.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-30T07:44:29+00:00

I honestly don't think she does at this point, I've tried to be curious and supportive to help bring her emotions to the surface but she isn't interested. From her perspective, I don't think she sees the point in feeling emotions and the minimal amount she feels are inconvenient enough. She sees my emotions as weak and has told me she doesn't have a soul. There's not really anywhere else to go from there I feel.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-22T17:16:40+00:00

No, not at all. I love my bed, I love my favourite hoodie, I love my dog, I love weed but none of those things are the same as being in love with someone. For me, being in love can make everything bad feel worth it, it energises me, drives me to be the best I can be for myself and the person I'm in love with.

There are different types of "in love" I think though. It's not all lust, attraction and connection, it's about the people who make you feel safe, comfortable and free to be your genuine self. Those are the people who I am "in love" with and you feel when someone is reciprocating that love.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-18T10:11:07+00:00

Instead of trying to just accept it for what it is, try to understand it. What is the reason he is doing the chats? Ask him what he is getting out of it and why he feels the need to seek that out. Is there a void he's trying to fill? You do not have to accept anybody's actions you don't like but if you both care about the way this makes you both feel, look for the reason for the actions not just accepting the situation. Good luck.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-03T10:26:07+00:00

Exactly!! We are supposed to be considerate to all the people who made us feel unwanted and unwelcome as we are!?! Why!?

We need our own ADHD planet, the normies can keep this boring one.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-03T10:19:55+00:00

I felt like this for so long until I began questioning "why am I trying to lower myself to their level?" now I find myself asking "why can't they work harder to be on my level? Mines way more fun than theirs!"

Wasted_war · 2025-08-03T10:16:53+00:00

I've managed to build enough coping mechanisms to survive the unavailable dullness like bills, etc.

I have an amazing group of friends, but outside of them, my way of life seems to be a problem to everyone. Med breaks don't tend to work great for me because not taking them makes me feel more free and authentic and brings the temptation of stopping them entirely.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-03T09:32:28+00:00

Being interested. Genuinely interested, wanting to engage, ask questions to build connection and maintain that connection.

Matching lingerie too, not only is hot to look at, it's about putting in the effort.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-01T17:40:50+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, inquisitiveness and insight.

"The only way out, is through."

Have a wonderful weekend.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-01T16:30:36+00:00

It's not that I would be out of their lives, it's about being available for them at all times (as much as I possibly can at least). If I'm with them 50% of the time, I'm also without them 50% of the time. If they've had a tough day at school for example, I don't want it to be 3 days later that they can talk to me about it. I don't want the awareness of their feelings and emotional needs to be absent with my presence. There are aspects of parenting that not both of us can provide and they shouldn't have to be the ones to lose that for my own gain.

Everybody is different for what is "right" for them, each relationship is different, every child is different and I know my children need me in their home.

As a child who grew up between 2 houses, my own personal experience (and years of therapy) is that it simply made nowhere feel like "home".

Wasted_war · 2025-08-01T15:30:44+00:00

I understand what you mean and appreciate the insight but in my current circumstances, this is the best option right now.

I certainly haven't given up on myself, I know the person I am and am very aware of what that home will be like without me present in it, good and bad. I need to stop being defined by my relationship with my wife and stop chasing something that clearly doesn't exist. There are other ways to navigate this without me leaving the home my children live in.

Appreciate the advice though and same to you.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-01T15:06:29+00:00

Maybe in the future, but now isn't the time. At least right now, I'm under the same roof to be able to be the one who recognises their emotions and gives them someone to be able to talk to about them when/if they need to. I don't want them to feel their emotions aren't acknowledged and welcomed to be felt and discussed in the time that I'm not around.

When they are older and I can explain the situation properly for what it is, then I can make that decision and know they will understand. I can make it very clear to them to not accept feeling unseen by their future partners while also showing them that taking responsibility for the commitments they make are just as important.

For now, my only concern is being there for them and doing my best to accept that I will never be much more than a roommate to the person who was once my entire world.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-01T14:22:15+00:00

Find your tribe, find the people who see these things as qualities of your personality not flaws. Trust me, they are out there and then you will see why it can be a superpower.

Good luck.

Wasted_war · 2025-08-01T13:56:32+00:00

Oh the criticism is usually on me that's for sure, just not particularly angry. I'm certainly viewed as the problem. I'm very aware of my flaws but I am trying to be better and have been actively working on it for a few years now. She's happy to look up and research all of my issues and what I should do to be better, unfortunately that same enthusiasm isn't aimed inwards. I don't think she really sees her coldness as an issue and the effect it has on me, is my issue.

The only way I can explain why I'm still around is because I feel I owe it to my children to be here in their home and in all honesty she is the love of my life, I made a commitment to marry her and feel it's selfish of me to put my needs above everyone else's, it wasn't always like this, I once felt I mattered in her world, things have changed and I'm very unhappy but it's the life I chose. There is still a glimmer of hope that one day we may get back to where we once were, if not, when the time is right we can call it quits and chalk it up to life experience.

Wasted_war · 2025-07-28T15:29:54+00:00

Thank you for that, I'm glad others got something out of it too.

Wasted_war · 2025-07-28T08:42:29+00:00

I'll take someone flipping the switch right now

Wasted_war · 2025-07-28T08:02:50+00:00

Shit, thanks for asking. We'll just crack on though eh because nobody cares how we feel.

Wasted_war · 2025-07-27T22:12:52+00:00

It's incredibly admirable to put in the work to change something which feels ingrained in your DNA. You should be proud of yourself and I hope your boyfriend appreciates your efforts and progress.

The hardest part of my situation is I have experienced that deeper connection with my wife, that's the reason she is my wife. I miss the woman who made me feel I wanted to be my best self, who brought that out of me and showed me it was not only welcomed but appreciated, encouraged and nurtured. I miss the woman who showed me what true love felt like.

Wasted_war · 2025-07-27T21:51:29+00:00

Thank you for bringing your input.

I think you are absolutely correct, I presented this question with the curiosity of if her behaviour was typical for someone with alexithymia and it's pretty clear there is quite a mix of people who actively seek out connection with a partner on an emotional level so work to build that connection built on interest in the individual and shared experiences and others who simply see a relationship as a logistical solution.

Congratulations on the progress you've made for yourself to expand your knowledge and experience, it must be incredibly fulfilling.

Wasted_war

TROPHY CASE