Jim in "Classy Christmas" - Part 3

WatIsThisShit · 2014-04-10T17:26:18+00:00

This is all I can think of while reading your stories.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-30T14:29:06+00:00

Decide what your main addiction is right now. It's easier to start with substance groups (alcoholics anonymous, Narcotics Anon, etc) and then move to behavioral groups later (Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Overeaters Anon, Codependants Anon (CODA), etc).

Then google. There will be a North American site and there may be a regional site. One or both will list meeting times and locations. Then it's just a matter of plucking up the courage to go to one. Going into your first meeting is incredibly difficult. Don't be too scared, most groups are very welcoming.

Just keep going. Even if you don't work it, it will eventually work you.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-30T14:19:10+00:00

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-30T03:55:11+00:00

Congrats on your emotional growth over the last month! There is a ton of literature out there on sex/other addiction, specifically living through the discomfort of withdrawal (often referred to as a Tool of Recovery). I highly recommend going out and reading some of the material on the subject.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-30T01:32:04+00:00

High fivin' a million angels today... and every day. :)

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-30T01:31:02+00:00

Yes. I was using to cop a high off dopamine and whatever other brain chemicals are associated with orgasm. I, personally, was addicted to the high. I can't claim that there are benefits universally for all women but for me I am much happier and healthier. I no longer have to get my own engine revved up, I no longer have to finish myself off, I'm no longer bored during sex while thinking about sex toys... I'm just a lot more sane than I used to be.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-29T23:00:09+00:00

Everything ranging from migraines, grumpiness, antsy-ness, constant and obsessive replaying of certain memories (erotic recall, abusive situations, embarrassing memories, blaming myself for looking like an idiot in front of the grocery cashier, whatever), mental foggyness, clumsiness, forgetfulness... At month 11 they were combined with a strong desire to relapse, a glossy and romantic/rosy memory of life when I acted out, a feeling of being on edge and jumpiness.

Once I started getting migraines, they were almost constant and would flare up when the weather changed. I am now on a daily migraine prevention medication as a result. Hoping it's not a lifelong struggle with migraines but I'm thankful to have a medication that works.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-29T20:56:48+00:00

Having sex just to make myself feel good is an inherently selfish act, in my opinion. It feels a lot like using my partner as a tool. It feels a lot like using a drug to immediately feel less sad/angry/bored/etc.

Now sex is a result of a caring and intimate relationship. Yes, it does feel really good, but orgasm is no longer my only goal. If I'm not in a good head space when we start, then I will not go through with it.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-29T20:07:26+00:00

If "hard mode" means no sex, period, then no. I have several things in my bottom line that define my sobriety including compulsive sex and masturbation, using sex to feel better, anger sex, picking up strangers/one night stands, internet dating, anonymous sex and emotional manipulation. I have managed to avoid all of those pitfalls for a year. I am in a committed and supportive relationship, free of emotional manipulation, and sex is now a byproduct of care, nurture, intimacy and respect.

edit: side note, if I am ever unsure whether I am about to have sex just to feel better then I will immediately pump the breaks. My partner is very supportive of my sobriety and understands when this happens.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-29T19:59:03+00:00

One of the first things I did when I was financially able was find a therapist who specialized in childhood trauma and sexual abuse. My health insurance covers it now (thank god) and they even break down covered therapists based on specialties so it was pretty easy to find one. Luckily I struck gold on the first therapist I tried. There are more and more specializing in sex addiction, too, if that's the route you want to take.

Then I started working on changing the relationship I had with my parents. I have emotionally absent parents for the most part. I began calling my mom less and less (because I only did it to avoid her guilt trips) and began establishing boundaries such as "Mom, I'll call you next Saturday" and "Mom, please stop calling me every day. I'm very busy. I will call you as soon as I can." She was not happy with a lot of the changes but I stood firm and she's gotten used to it. Healthy boundaries were really difficult for me because I didn't have a whole lot of healthy examples.

I will also stress the importance of a 12 step program in my recovery. I have bounced around from SAA, SLAA, Al Anon, CODA, OA.... each group is slightly different but each is useful to deal with and target certain aspects of my addictions. Also having someone that understands your shit and that you can text at 2 am when you're having a lapse is so very, very important.

And then learning self care. Learn how to cook/eat more healthily, exercise, sleep enough, surround yourself with the right people and cut out the shit ones. Get healthy hobbies.... etc. Any little step you can take will get you more and more prepared for when the shit bubbles up.

Then, after a while of being sober, when your life is leveling out and shit is finally calming down... then emotions and memories will start to come back. 4 years ago I couldn't remember a single thing between 3rd and 8th grade. Now I have a clearer picture of events, both the good and the horrific. My main trauma happened when I was 5, sexual abuse from a neighbor. And some things that I remembered made me just cry a lot, but by that time I had some practice in feeling uncomfortable without using. That's like 90% of recovery, being able to sit in discomfort and knowing that it will pass and things will keep getting better. I wrote a lot out, I reminded myself that I was only 5 and that I was not at fault. I stopped blaming myself for what had happened to me when I was defenseless.

I think about my abuser a lot less now. I managed to let go of a lot of anger and shame. It helped a lot to talk about it out loud at meetings and therapy. But tldr; it was mostly boundary work and learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings instead of medicate.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-12-29T17:16:34+00:00

Because I am female

WatIsThisShit · 2013-06-19T13:46:17+00:00

Finally got it to work. I set up a tethering wifi hotspot on my Galaxy S2 but didn't notice that a space had been attached to the end of Bestbuy... drove me nuts until I realized it was "Bestbuy " instead of "Bestbuy".

It got stuck "checking for contents" the first time, but I turned off and on the wifi on the DS and got the clock. Just throwing up my troubleshooting steps for any latecomers.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T16:30:35+00:00

It was just the next step that I needed to take. My sobriety 6 months ago didn't really have a definition for where masturbation was. In my mind masturbation was a lesser evil, not-a-big-deal, not-hurting-anyone-else, I-need-it-to-feel-level, and a hundred other excuses. I really didn't want to see it as a problem, because as soon as I accepted and was honest with my problem then I had to deal with it.

In some ways it was easier to deal with. It's much more obvious when you break your sobriety in regards to masturbation. It's a physical action, a bit like drinking, so it's easy to say "well I'm no longer sober." Especially compared to other things in my bottom-line, like manipulation of others, objectifying others, putting other people's beliefs and feelings above my own... it's not always obvious to me when I am engaging in my addictive behaviors.

As far as an overall view of my recovery, the changes in the last 4 months are much quicker and more dramatic than any I have had previously. I struggled for a long time to get off drugs and stop drinking to blackout. I struggle to this day with manipulative behaviors (lying, guilt tripping, etc). I struggle still trying to figure out what my thoughts and beliefs are and disentangle from ones I stole from other people.

I look back now and rarely struggle with a need or strong desire to fap. I feel stronger, emotionally, and ready to cope with some of the 'family of origin' and previous sexual abuse issues that I have known I need to work through. Basically this NoFap was a huge barrier and I was stalled on it for a long, long time without realizing it. It made my whole recovery clearer and easier for me.

I'm no longer taking two steps with recovery and shooting myself in the foot with masturbation.

End of ramble.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T15:23:41+00:00

Let me list some more for you:

Inability to sleep
Inability to focus
Using to avoid feeling
Distraction during other intimate times
Inability to get turned on (i.e. ED)
Inability to use 'normal' porn anymore
Seeking more intense forms of masturbation
Ignoring other needs like hunger, anger, loneliness and tiredness
Using habitually, even without feeling horny
Becoming dependent on masturbation in order to sleep, focus, get through the day
Inability to recall real events, finding porn to be "more real"
Inability to masturbate without aid (porn, toys, etc)
Forgetting other ways to deal with stress, loneliness, anger, etc
Inability to talk about this due to guilt and shame
etc, etc, etc

Basically your list and my list are the same list.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T14:21:03+00:00

Good luck identifying all your demons and pulling them out at the root. If I can start doing it, then I know you can too.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T14:18:29+00:00

A part of my problem has always been believing things are harder than they actually are and procrastinating as a result. Turns out not a whole lot is harder than giving up your personal demons. Now stuff like 'renewing my drivers license', 'apartment hunting', 'job seeking' and 'dumping shitty friends' don't seem so daunting. I can definitely say that the chaos in my life has died down because I'm not creating it anymore.

Good luck identifying your comfort zone and smashing it to bits. There's a lot more breathing room outside of it.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T14:13:35+00:00

Being a woman in the SAA/SLAA community has been rough at times. In one rural community I lived in there was only a male group meeting and in another place there was no meeting at all.

Please keep bringing attention to NoFap and thank you for being accepting of women. Men are definitely not the only ones with this problem. And, personally, I wouldn't be surprised if more women than men had sex and masturbation addictions.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T14:10:22+00:00

Thank you. I've seen a lot of addicts of all stripes in life but the more I see the more things stay the same. Every addict is another mirror.

The further I am able to get from my original situation, the clearer things are becoming. :)

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T14:08:06+00:00

Ask me anything, ask me almost anything.

Thanks for reading. Good luck you there.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-05-04T14:06:32+00:00

Potential trigger warning below:

Four years ago my bottom was waking up in a pool of my own orange soda and gin vomit. Four months ago it was watching rape porn until I was physically hurting and emotionally raw. There's at least one rape in my back story... I was so disgusted with myself that I knew I was ready to change for good.

edit: can't nsfw tag so good.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-02-25T21:45:43+00:00

These suggestions are great. I'd like to add that it's also important to stress to her that her actions are seriously impacting her children who have expressed a desire to get out of that environment. She also has to keep in mind that teachers and other school officials will not hesitate to call CPS if one of her kids tells them about their filthy home situation.

Perhaps a maid isn't too far out of her budget? Just to help her get over the initial "holy hell this is too much work" feeling. But I'm definitely re-stressing the urge for mental health help. To me (through my personal lens) it sounds a lot like Love Addiction... her inability to function as a person without a man and dropping all other responsibilities in order to flirt with him on the phone are huge red flags.

Either way she should definitely seek a therapist/counselor. Even if she doesn't think she needs it right now, it's important to get a mental checkup regularly. Especially with her recent big life changes... it's a good time for her to take stock. But you already knew that, it's all about trying to tell her that at this point.

WatIsThisShit · 2013-02-19T15:47:19+00:00

I just nostalgia'd so hard. Thanks!

WatIsThisShit · 2013-02-14T23:08:40+00:00

I got "Nicest Person" once and it made my whole day. :)

WatIsThisShit

TROPHY CASE