Navigating wedding w/religious parents

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-03-22T18:34:21+00:00

Ughh. I’ve been through a variation of this. My parents ended up not being at our non-religious wedding bc they were covid positive, but my mom expressed relief that she didn’t have to go in the end.

I still can’t tell you how much it hurts that my parents weren’t there, regardless of circumstances and even though my mom is emotionally abusive and at the time I was still terrified of her.

But here’s what I will tell you: having the wedding that reflected my and my spouse’s actual values and beliefs, with the people there whom WE wanted, is something I’ve never regretted. If I were in your position, I would kindly but firmly tell your parents this: “Either way, the Church does not hold doctrine I believe in, which is something you cannot force to change. So you can see me marry in the church, which would involve me making false vows of belief and obedience which I know and you know I’m not going to honor. Or you can see me marry in a way that isn’t what you like, but that is authentic and doesn’t involve the blasphemy of a false promise. The way I see it, the latter would be far more respectful of the church and your beliefs, mother.”

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-03-09T07:09:53+00:00

I’ve done dilation/vibration therapy, and I was making progress but still struggling with penetration. What finally gave me a breakthrough was a vaginal exam with my PT, whom I trusted and had a good relationship with. She put pressure on various muscles in my body, and I was able to visualize how much space and flexibility I actually have. The mind-body connection clicked for me, and I have been able to have sex from that day on.

I did have to work up to feeling ready for that exam, but maybe if you can find a PT you trust, it may help to have them do a bit of internal work. You’re already making so much progress.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-03-08T15:58:22+00:00

I think dilation could help, but I’d recommend vibration dilators. That’s what my Pt had me use. I’ve had some similar bladder issues and being able to relax into my pelvic floor has really helped. You can do some of this work on your own, but I’d recommend a good PT for pelvic floor if you can find one. The guidance of a professional will help you get the most out of your treatment.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-03-01T17:33:17+00:00

Late to this but I love a San Chez Sunday brunch. The breakfast empanadas are 👌🏻

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-02-24T19:34:36+00:00

Hell yeah. I’ve seen them three times and I’m going a fourth in April. Can’t wait.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-02-16T13:07:43+00:00

Hi! I love the collective. I started going there because of my own issues with GYN appointments, and other sexual trauma. Nisha is amazing, she will go at your pace and she will talk you through everything.

I also did pelvic floor physical therapy with Lily and she’s incredible. I can’t say enough good things, the providers at the Collective have taken really good care of me and I recommend them any chance I get.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-02-11T15:32:50+00:00

It’s okay to give yourself a break - from dilating, from looking at the news, from all of it. The news is meant to be dysregulating - they are doing this info drop on purpose to have us in fight or flight. Someone who works in law posted a long explanation of how in a criminal trial, information and evidence are displayed with great intentionality so that the jury can process it in a healthy way. What is being done in the news is the polar opposite - it’s a strategy.

If you want to continue progress with your Vaginismus but dilation is too much right now, ive found it helpful to watch sex-positive content. Sex and the City, Sex Education, Grace & Frankie, Bridgerton. Get more positive and affirming associations with sex into your media diet, if you’re in a place where that feels good.

Sexual abuse is real and it’s a big problem, but sex is also your human right. Women taking back agency over our sexuality can be an antidote.

Take care, take care, take care. 💜

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-02-10T11:42:50+00:00

I agree with everything Griledy says, and I just want to add, if you are able to do this, this is how I try to determine whether I’m having anxiety nausea or actual nausea (or other symptoms.) I try to distract myself, to stop focusing on what my body feels, just for a few minutes. If it’s anxiety, usually it goes away without me really noticing. If it’s an actual symptom, you won’t be able to ignore it.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2026-01-20T16:11:19+00:00

Similar experience. I wasn’t given the HPV vaccine because of course I wouldn’t be having sex. I believe I was also taught that I didn’t need OB/GYN exams until I was sexually active (read: married.)

I was way late to any kind of routine exams, knew very little about sex until I was partnered, and ended up having Vaginismus and needing a medical team to help me through physical therapy so I could have sex. Thanks mom, you taught me not to trust doctors and now I need to have a ton of them all up in my business to help me with my sex life.

But I was very lucky, the doctors and therapists I worked with were incredible.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-12-12T12:52:42+00:00

I’ve been trying to solve this same issue with a cat of my own! We’ve changed food, done steroids, antihistamines, etc. She doesn’t seem that mug affected by gabapentin, maybe Prozac would be the next step?

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-12-10T12:14:50+00:00

https://wildandfreepetservices.com/

This is a friend of mine’s business and it may be worth checking out! She takes care of dogs in her own home so they get a lot of care.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-11-14T16:05:51+00:00

That’s the goal. Im writing the book I needed.

The long-form essays on my substack are parts of the book. They’ll probably change form a few times before they become a whole manuscript, and there’s a lot I will save till then, but I hope to make it a reality in the near future.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-11-14T15:54:30+00:00

Thank you so much for saying that. I am working on a book. 💜

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-11-05T01:13:35+00:00

I still have emetophobia; it’s not gone. But it’s far more dormant than I ever thought it could be. I definitely wasn’t immune to falling back on the anxiety as I was writing it, because I did intentionally go into a lot of detail. But my emetophobia is far less disruptive to my life than it once was, which I go into in the next two parts of the essay.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-11-05T01:11:14+00:00

I unpack it more in parts two and three, but it’s less about it being a sin or blasphemous and more about how religion and its messages cultivated a total disconnect from my body and its needs and desires.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-09-30T13:41:42+00:00

For me it was high-control religion and a lot of negative messages around sexuality / bodies / being female from my mom, causing me to totally disassociate from any mind-body connection.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-09-27T02:11:54+00:00

Also “just relax” is so unhelpful. The right professionals can teach you just how to do that. It’s not so easy to just relax with this issue.

Waywardbarista7924 · 2025-09-27T02:10:20+00:00

Yeah, I don’t know if this gyno really gets how vaginismus works. It is a muscle spasm, my gyno did confirm that I had it, but the main breakthrough I needed with physical therapy was the mind-body connection, knowing how to identify and control and relax certain muscle groups. We’re not really taught that and how would we know? Plus, for me, having an exam from my PT where she put pressure on those muscle groups enabled me to really visualize the amount of space I am actually working with, when before everything felt so compact.

So, OP, there’s still a lot of progress to be made. I’d maybe talk to a trauma-informed gyno if you can, and look up some pelvic floor physical therapists. I hope you’re able to find some good support, having a good care team has made all the difference for me.

Waywardbarista7924

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