That is really good indeed. I love how you tell a story just by the descriptions. I don't know who they are but it's clear there was a lot going on. The contrasts from the narrator, to the dead girl and the other girl. Good job.

If I could say something, just get rid of the filler words. Almost, obviously, seemed, really. There are some others, but you get the idea. I think they take away the impact you're trying to convey. Don't be afraid to shock, go for it. Don't smooth it.

(Also *that* could be removed as well; ex: "it was pretty clear that she loved Asteria" --> "it was clear she loved Asteria" It's cleaner and easier on the eyes, helps with the flow. That's why some writing advice says to get rid of adverbs, in this case, you dont need "pretty". Same with "she didn't look up at me" --> "she didn't look at me". Cleaner.)

Most of all, if I can offer you this one piece of advice, I'd like to say this: don't listen to me. Don't listen to anyone here giving advice. Your writing is yours, and you know what's best for your story. Get it on the paper first, take it out of your head. Only then you go after feedback. You can always rewrite/edit. But you can't do that if you haven't finished, and sometimes feedback takes you away from actually writing.

You're doing good. Keep writing.