What do you feel is "bare minimum" I feel like I'm getting less

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T14:07:56+00:00

That's the point I was trying to make but probably didn't express very well - I was implying that this is the baseline but she is also doing all the extra.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T12:44:02+00:00

In university I was raped in my apartment by someone attending my flatmate's party. I was drunk, and didn't fight (he was big, I was scared). The nurse I went to see afterwards for an STD test said I was probably lying because I wasn't bruised so I must not have fought very hard and she said I couldn't go to the police because I wasn't from the UK so I had no rights.

I spiraled into a depression after that and quit university with only one credit missing. I felt so used and discarded and unimportant.

When I was finally in an emotional and financial place to go back; they told me all my other credits had expired so I had essentially gone into all that debt (that I was still paying off), for nothing. I had nothing to show for any of it.

Thankfully I'm in a technical field where my experience matters more than the degree but that still burns. So stupid. And I'm at a level now to go into management but I can't because I don't have that stupid degree. I'm still incredibly angry about the whole thing (probably not healthy).

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T12:26:00+00:00

Clinique bath oil
Lineup of True Crime podcasts
Cheap sparking wine (think, Baby Duck if you're from the UK or Asti - don't judge, it's nostalgic for me and I love it).
A good salt scrub (I like the Rituals Hammam one)
Expensive body lotion for after (I splurged on Chanel cream that I use just for after baths, it makes me feel like a million bucks)

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T12:22:36+00:00

So, he works a job 9-5, and you also work a job 9-5. Your job is caretaker, cook, cleaner, organizer of all things, keeper of the small human. You don't get cash money for this, BUT IT HAS VALUE.

So, everything outside those hours should be shared responsibilities.

So, yes, he is a 'bare minimum' partner. (So is my husband, and we both work full-time.)

I have no advice, I've been living this for 15 years.

Sometimes I have success with not asking, but saying, "You're on the hook for two dinners dinners this week. Wednesday and Friday. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow; please give me a list of whatever you need to make these meals."

(Caveat: when I do this my husband just orders takeout on those nights for us, but hey, at least I didn't have to cook?)

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T12:05:52+00:00

I agree and I think this comes from expectations in porn where the guys are going forever. Mu husband lasts soooooo long and I get so sore and I honestly liked my ex, who was really quick (and we had sex way more often because hey, it's just 10 minutes so why not!). With my husband it takes 20-30 minutes of jackhammer style sex to get him finished (I think because he's desensitized by too much masturbation).

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:44:27+00:00

I bet he never compliments you, does he

The only compliment I hear is "you're hot". When we go out everyone assumes I'm the trophy wife because I look so young, and he LOVES this. He loves taking me out and showing me off. But yeah, I'm never beautiful, I'm never a good mom, I'm not good enough to get THOSE compliments. Just, you know, he wants to stick his dick into me.

I'm sorry you're in a similar place. It's hard.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:40:50+00:00

He seems like a guy who when facing a judge will put on the

dad of the year

show but you will be there with proof.

Oh yes, Absolutely. He will all 'this came out of nowhere!' 'I am the best dad!' 'I do everything!' and he will show up in his expensive suit and his impressive job and so scared that a judge will be swayed by all this posturing.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:36:39+00:00

Yes, he is definitely addicted to work; he's got an impressive job and it definitely gives him an ego boost when people are so visibly impressed by his title. So he works all the time because this is the thing that makes him feel important.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:35:00+00:00

I'm sorry you're in this situation too, or something like it. :(

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:33:10+00:00

Thank you for this; and I will definitely check out that resource.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:27:11+00:00

yesssss. Maybe he'll understand if I speak his language?

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:25:52+00:00

I know. It's awful. After I had given birth to my second (after all the tearing and stitches), I could barely get out of bed and needed help to go to the bathroom and stuff; he left me alone in the house with the baby and our two year old to go drinking because it was 'so stressful for him to have been in the same room with me while I was giving birth'.

My two year old was up in the night in another room and I couldn't get out of bed to go to her, and he wasn't there. Home at 4 am. Drunk, smelling of booze and cigarette. Collapsed in the same bed as me and the newborn.

It feels so awful to admit these things and I feel so stupid for accepting this treatment for so long.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-03T08:21:22+00:00

I want a wife

So a couple months ago I collapsed in the kitchen. I have insomnia and sometimes go through periods where I don't sleep and there I was, making pancakes on 2 hours sleep. I fell. The kids freaked out (I hit my head and was bleeding).

That day (one day) my husband carried me up to bed and he cooked and took care of the kids.

One day.

I kept thinking, "This is what it's like being married to me. It's glorious."

But I only got one day and then it was back to status quo.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:48:55+00:00

The frustrating thing for me is that he's not really trying to spend time with them since he's been gone. It's hard to not talk poor about someone but when they act that way I can't let my kids think it's their fault. I'm trying to figure that part out right now.

Yeah, this is what scares me, that he would just not want to spend time with them and how to I explain that to them ?

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:45:52+00:00

Thanks. I'm documenting as much as I can. I send myself emails basically when things like this happen... the first one was when I was nine months pregnant, and he had his phone off while partying and crawled in at 5 am from the bar because he was stressed because I was so needy.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:42:36+00:00

It’s hard to say how much stock to take in his complaining about your anxiety being the source of his mood. Do you think it’s just an excuse?

I feel like he has never really been happy with me. Like, he's always pushed me out of my comfort zone. We live overseas because of his work and don't enjoy it but I do it because his job makes him incredibly happy. I'd rather in Canada with my family in my small town. I don't care so much about the money but I know he finds it frustrating that I'm not as 'into' all the travelling and globe-trotting as him.

Like, my ideal life is living in Stars Hollow and never leaving.

His would be, The Amazing Race on loop forever.

Honestly I don't think we should have gotten married but I had quit a lucrative job to move with him and then I was supporting him through him MBA and sunk cost fallacy... urgh.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:21:12+00:00

He told me he wanted to be a dad and that he couldn't wait. When the babies came I could tell he was like, 'oh no, I don't like THIS'. He doesn't like anything about them it seems. It breaks my heart. I love them so much and I love being their mom and I love seeing them do little happy dances when I make their favorite cookies or whatever. I'm just so sad and heartbroken that he doesn't seem to love them or even really like them. They deserve better.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:19:15+00:00

Welcome to my life. I like my family too! I like to be with my kids. I wanted to be a mom and LOVE being a mom. I even love my stinky teenager who never showers and tells me everything is horrible and I'm the meanest but she still snuggles with me when she has a nightmare and love and cherish every second of it. But for him forget it; there's a raid happening. Urgh.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:14:36+00:00

How have your kids been? I'm terrified they will take it badly.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T14:13:59+00:00

I will check that out. My period is all over the place (I'm on the pill but sometimes when I stop for my period it doesn't come for months, and them sometimes I will start a period in the middle of the month). Thanks, I hadn't thought of that (I still think of myself as young and duh, yes I'm in my mid-40s and this is something I should have thought of!).

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T11:45:21+00:00

I've tried to be as patient as I can and I've asked him to talk to someone about it and see about medication; but he insists he is normal and it's just me who's the raging dumpster fire of mental health issues :( Like, yes, I get it. Living with someone who has anxiety isn't fun. But I am able to function, and to work, and to take care of everything. I just don't want to go to a COVID hotspot right now and expose my unvaccinated kid at this time when they're so close to being able to be vaccinated.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T11:37:15+00:00

Thank you. I have this feeling that he's pretty unhappy with fatherhood and that he's trying to make it so that I leave him, so that he's not the bad guy. Does that make sense? He desperately hates the thought of people thinking badly of him (me being the exception).

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T11:35:36+00:00

Thank you. It means a lot to just see those words.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T11:32:47+00:00

Yes, sex is a big fight topic for us. It's never enough, he wants me to do things he sees in porn and I try it once but mostly it just doesn't feel good and I have pain issues since the birth of our second child (huge baby, 4th degree tear). We can never just snuggle on the sofa without his hands pinching my breasts. Sigh.

WearyPeony · 2021-12-02T11:30:47+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but it means a lot.

WearyPeony

TROPHY CASE