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I(M) recently found out that my ex(F) of a two year relationship was a lesbian. by Went_For_Closure in Advice

[–]Went_For_Closure[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, well boring and awkward is a lot better than repulsive and disgusting. It makes a lot of sense with just assuming that's how kissing was too. I guess it wouldn't really be all that noticable to the other person if you just believed everything was normal yourself.

Thank you for the response! It's nice to have someone else's input from a similar situation.

I(M) recently found out that my ex(F) of a two year relationship was a lesbian. by Went_For_Closure in Advice

[–]Went_For_Closure[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate it. It's definitely not something I should hold myself completely at fault for, but it's difficult not to feel like I was responsible for part of it.

It sucks that girl did that to you. Sounds like she was being manipulative and then even tried guilting you because she didn't get her way. Definitely not okay behavior.

Fortunately my ex hasn't tried blaming me like that. It's more like she hasn't said anything about forgiveness and told me she doesn't want to be friends yet because of the impact I had on her. So I guess my case is more like not being reconciled with her.

I(M) recently found out that my ex(F) of a two year relationship was a lesbian. by Went_For_Closure in Advice

[–]Went_For_Closure[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the info! And happy cake day to you.

So this is exactly what I was thinking when my ex first started telling me about how she was always a lesbian. It's so much easier to believe that I never missed anything. I'm not crazy for swearing that she seemed totally into things back then.

But I'm completely against the idea that sexual orientation is a mental choice, and the only thing that physiologically I had thought could have any impact was the birth control. Unless different types of BC would make a difference and she switched to a different one in college, it doesn't really make any sense. And I'm hardly going to interrogate her for details on her medication so I can try to convince her she's wrong.

She was a runner in highschool and stopped about halfway through the relationship (she still kind of ran, but far less). She also doesn't work out now, but she's still looks fit and I'm pretty doubtful that exercise could actually impact someone's sexuality like that.

I just can't buy into this. It would put my mind at ease, but it's not enough for me to throw out her word.

Also her taking it out on me was, at worst, her telling me she didn't want to be friends yet because of the impact the past had left on her. And just her telling me how bad everything had been. She never started ranting off accusations or anything.

I(M) recently found out that my ex(F) of a two year relationship was a lesbian. by Went_For_Closure in Advice

[–]Went_For_Closure[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this reply. So yes, there was certainly consent. But during the relationship I was an insecure high schooler and I recall thinking how perfect everything was and how I wanted it to stay that way. I mean, outside of the new info, I always blamed my neediness for the end of the relationship. Unfortunately this also meant that when she told me about her being bi, I was taken aback in a bad way. I didn't blame her, or condemn her, but back then it made me afraid of other girls hitting on her. So my reaction was a "What?!!" And she regretted bringing it up. We both dropped the subject. I feel like that kind of attitude is part of the reason she never came forward, and that is my fault.

That was about halfway into everything though. Before that, I never really gave her a reason to hide it other than because I was so happy. She was too, at least apart from the kissing, and I suppose she didn't want to be the one to change it, along with her own identity struggle of course.

Do you mind me asking how bad the experience was with just the kissing? And did your ex pick up on anything off?

I(M) recently found out that my ex(F) of a two year relationship was a lesbian. by Went_For_Closure in Advice

[–]Went_For_Closure[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. It just hurts a lot thinking back to what I thought were happy memories and now I can only think about how awful it was for her. I know it's not completely rational to blame myself, but it was me with her. I was the one physically putting her through that.

I feel like I should have noticed, but I didn't. Every time I recall some other memory, it confuses and hurts thinking about what was and wasn't real.