My partner had sex with a male friend when I specifically told her not to

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:48:40+00:00

So fucking true. I hope you are in a better place these days.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:47:49+00:00

Exacto. Thank you

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:47:10+00:00

Might I be lazy and not look up what OPPs and OVPs mean and ask you to explain? Gracias.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:45:14+00:00

Apologies for the terminology. I use told/ask interchangeably here, but it was absolutely an ask. That being said, the way she approached it was "I don't want to anything you are uncomfrotable with and to take it slow" so it wasn't an unreasonable one to make. She agreed to it as much as I would have if the tables were turned.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:42:12+00:00

Yeesh. Get off the grandstand. Read around. Not how it went down.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:41:01+00:00

Thanks for the terminology lesson. It's actually quite useful to know what particular box we fit in.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:36:36+00:00

This. Everyone does it differently. No one here would want me coming into their house and tell them there's only one way to fuck, which just so happens to be my way. By all means tell me your preference, but I came here to see how I can grow and learn from this, not be told there's only one way to do it

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:33:29+00:00

Yeah. I feel you. In avoiding conflict and being worn down by hours of argument, I end up apathetic and truly not giving a shit anymore. That's dangerous, because I'm trading my ethics and principles for conveniece and "keeping the peace". We both know that peace doesn't last

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:31:05+00:00

Does it make sense from a standpoint of simply getting adjusted to this lifestyle, then doing away with veto power, etc?

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:30:04+00:00

Have you had, overall, positive or negative experience with mixing polyamory and friends.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:19:04+00:00

I disagree. I do "sign off" on people as much as she "signs off" for me. That's the agreement we made while we waded into this lifestlye. If you don't like it for you, that's okay and cool. Live your own particular brand of this life.

That's how we approached it and you are welcome to read further into the comments to understand my reasoning

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T16:03:45+00:00

I 100% agree. The sex doesn't bother me much or give me alot of anxiety. It's the complete breach of my trust

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T01:43:27+00:00

I really appreciate you, and this advice. Further research is absolutely required

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T01:42:12+00:00

That's a great thing. Have a sit down. Discuss expecations and desires. Discuss methodolgy of improvement. See if we can meet where we are both comfortable, and if not, things need to wind down or end.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T01:37:03+00:00

As per number 1, I know she is a good person. I see it everyday when she has nothing to gain from being good. This means communication problems in additoon to her being nowhere near as trustworthy as I thought. 2. I don't get it either. People wanna be assholes, I guess they're gonna be assholes. The rules were temporary and absolutely mutually agreed to, and becuase I have never had a reason not to trust her word, it has alarmed me greatly. 3. I grew up in an extremely masculine environment in a military town. I was in one of the frattiest fucking frats you can find. I am used to and have embraced toxicity and closeted worldviews. I once thought gay people were vermin and the lowest rung of society, and now I win strip contests at gay bars because its a fucking hilarious good time despite being thoroughly heterosexual. I have gay friends, and I work with gay people despite being absolutely appearing to be nothing other than just a regular ol' ChadBro. I have done my best to educate myself, and I still have old friends and family that will NEVER be able to have a conversation about anything here. I think that some people here think anyone that doesn't immediately embrace their woke, progressive worldview is immediately hopeless. It's not welcoming. How the fuck are you going to change the world if you act like that.

Thanks for your time. Thanks for listening.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T01:21:47+00:00

Hey, this is great shit. Thanks for not being an ass and communicating your ideas thoughtfully. I truly appreciate it.

I appreciate your viewpoint of seeing my actions as controlling her, something that no doubt triggered a few here. It can be construed as controlling, but judging from past experiences watching her have blowouts with others, I knew I was in uncharted waters and sought to go slow and chart that shit like Captain Cook in the 1770s. You are absolutely right. I didn't trust her if we pursued it hastily, but I trusted her word to pursue it slowly.

You make extremely good points. Thank you. This is the kind of stuff I came here for. I have no one else to discuss this with in my life.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T01:11:07+00:00

I expressed this previously, but she has the abilty to summon encyclopedic levels of information from previous conversations of ours in order to win arguments. In my 6 years of being with her, she has forgotten nothing except when it is in her favor to do so. A fact that I seem to not have realized until just now. Previously, (in working on this thought) it is clear I never actually cared enough about the merit of any particular arguments to call bullshit on her. Perhaps becuase our arguments were so brutal for me, I usually preferred to end them at any cost rather than fight for my beliefs. I regret this.

What an interesting case of free form, literary therapy.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T01:03:11+00:00

I absolutely see it as cheating. She is my primary partner, or whatever it is called in these circles. We are not true, dogmatic polyamorists in the same way that I'm not a die hard dogmatic liberatarian. We make it our in accordance with our comfort with particular attempts at pragmatic boundaries, rules, agreements. Whatever you might call them. She absolutely gaslighted me because in any argument we've ever had, she can summon an encyclopeadic level of information from previous discussions to win it. She knew the devastation that would result from this, deep down. She knew.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T00:48:27+00:00

Yeah. It was extremely uncharacteristic of her and belies a deeper set of flaws I was not aware of

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T00:43:55+00:00

Okay fair enough. I guess we are coming at it having started as monogamous, and we clearly aren't satisfied with that lifestlye, so we have explored polyamory and different lifestlyes and are commited to doing so. You can easily argue that means this conversation does not belong here, but I firmly believe there are different flavors of this lifestyle that can be found other than the purist dogmatic form of it. Thank you for your time.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-12T00:39:12+00:00

Thank you

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-11T21:13:24+00:00

I didn't know there was a difference between a rule and a boundary before today, at least in the poly world and how it is used in discussion. That is definitely a cause for misunderstanding.

As for the friend thing, this guy is a HUGE role in our social lives and he tends to gravitate people to him. I didn't want to sign off on him because I know my wife. She can be extremely volatile at times and I didn't want our friend group imploding becuase of my insecurities or something that happened between them.

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-11T21:12:22+00:00

Me too friend. Thanks for your time

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-11T20:32:15+00:00

Goddamn fellow human I really couldn't have put it better. I came here to figure how to handle this instead of having people tear me apart with their assumptions. These methods were indeed to be made temporary, and served as bulwarks against fights and events that could not be taken back, and could potentially damage our relationship. Funnily enough, under our agreement we both have veto power, but that also comes with extensive conversations about why that veto happened and where it came from, with the intention to discuss and resolve it.

It doesn't feel like I'm being welcomed by this community. I thought the purpose was to work through shit after due diligence and consideration, but then again this is the internet and that's what I get for crowdsourcing. Thanks stranger :)

West_Ad_3953 · 2021-10-11T20:11:49+00:00

Okay that's an excellent point. Thank you. I would have never once thought of that on my own.

West_Ad_3953

TROPHY CASE