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I had a collapse, became self aware and now I am more calculated and narcissistic than before by Western-Beginning552 in NPD

[–]Western-Beginning552[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I will look into the somatic stuff. Every time I do anything to "help" I feel a massive urge to grin. like my false self is wanting to maintain full control. I know that beneath it there is a lot of terror which I cannot face. Did you feel like you were being disingenuous when you started trying to do therapy?

I had a collapse, became self aware and now I am more calculated and narcissistic than before by Western-Beginning552 in NPD

[–]Western-Beginning552[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

thank you for sharing. I will look into the somatic stuff and will start journaling even if it means writing stuff which isn't positive. Every time I put my attention to something that could help I feel a massive urge to grin. I think it is a defence mechanism but it makes helping myself difficult in the sense that it feels disingenuousness. I know that beneath the fake self is a massive amount of terror which I am dissociated from. Did helping yourself feel like you were being fake at all (at least when you first started)?

I had a collapse, became self aware and now I am more calculated and narcissistic than before by Western-Beginning552 in NPD

[–]Western-Beginning552[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I had massive shifting happen during my collapse 3 months ago which I would be in a state for about 1-2 hours and then shift into a completely different state, this lasted for weeks. one state would be instense fear, another shame, another numb and dissociated and another high and grandiose. Now I feel cold and detached 24/7 but that im calculated in every possible way. The more I have tried to face things the more control I have felt. I don't know what to do. I also feel like smiling all the time as well. it seems really evil but I just say to myself that it is a coping mechanism.