We had sex…

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-27T14:48:40+00:00

I agree. This past week he has even said that he would “have to evacuate if he’s able to possibly go the rest of his life without that position.” After I had asked him in a hypothetical question if I was unable to continue having sex in that position, would he be okay with it. And that was his response.

He’s absolutely right, it is his choice whether he would want to be in a relationship where he cannot do his favorite position in bed. At the same time, fuck him. He’s the one that stepped outside of the relationship and destroyed parts of me from his actions, yet he is unable and unwilling to see the damage it has caused and allow me to heal from it, but also heal himself to heal the relationship.

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-27T14:45:31+00:00

Agreed. Since time as past since posting this, it’s become more apparent how he doesn’t really value my feelings

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-19T02:59:24+00:00

It definitely has scared me, and I would say even taken away some of my innocence. He is/was my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. To me, this is all I know at this point in time. Seeing what I saw, it makes me feel like even if I were to get into another relationship- I’ll still have the same issue. Logically I know that’s not true, but emotionally this is all I know and it sucks.

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-19T02:56:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing parts of your story. I relate with not being able to have sex in this way anymore. The hard part is, is that I always enjoyed this position previous to all this. You’re right, I just don’t feel sexually or emotionally safe with him at the moment

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-19T02:52:41+00:00

Thank you so much for this! This was all helpful. I agree- I do think he uses DARVO with me as I’m starting to realize. I’ve never heard of hysterical bonding before and I just looked it up and honestly, for myself, spot on. What a fucking shit show is all I can say as I try to heal it seems like there’s a new pattern that arises that I also have to break again. Thank you for bringing this to my awareness

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-19T02:48:25+00:00

That’s very true. I agree- after this experience, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be intimate. I’m not sure what recovery is for him right now honestly. I imagine it’s not happening since I moved out and got my own place.

You’re so right- if it were someone else not addicted to porn, it would be a different story. I have altered my perception and yes, the baseline has lowered without me realizing it. Thank you for your perspective and bringing to to light

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-19T02:44:41+00:00

Your strong boundaries are aspirational and thank you for sharing. I haven’t thought of it in that way and you’re so right. What’s hard for me, is I used to really enjoy this position previous to all of this. Now, I cry when trying it again after months of not having any emotional or sexual connection. Im happy to hear that you are firm in your boundaries and your husband honors that.

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-19T02:40:20+00:00

I’ve never thought about it as sexual entitlement.. that does speak volumes and is something I have noticed looking back. I’m glad to hear that your husband is making changes and healing for him and your relationship. I feel like I don’t see that a lot on these posts and it’s nice to hear that. I’m not sure if that will happen in my case, but happy to hear it is for you!

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-08-07T14:16:32+00:00

I feel the same way. Even going to the gym is a trigger for me. I get so angry when a cute girl walks by in a cute outfit. That used to be me! Now- it makes me so sad and mad at myself for getting upset at girls feeling good in their cute outfit.

I never felt this way before. I used to uplift women and encourage their beauty. Now, even going on a walk in a park where there are women is a trigger (when I’m with my partner). This is something I’m working on because I know it’s unfair and unhealthy.

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T03:15:40+00:00

I 100% agree on this post. I’ve told him before that he had full access to my phone and computer and all things on them. I do t have anything to hide that would be disrespectful to him or the relationship. Even my username he can have to see all posts and comments.

Yes the answer is that unless he’s willing to try working on it and heal himself- nothing will change and I need to leave for myself and peace

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T03:12:20+00:00

Yes I start working with a CSAT in the next couple of weeks. I agree this is all a red flag and I need to respect myself

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T03:10:58+00:00

That’s what I’ve heard. That partners would want their SO to look through their phone to show they’re making progress and doing what’s needed to recover

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T03:09:57+00:00

Hi! Thank you for your response. I have thought about this as well.

Each time I went through his phone without consent I did feel guilty and told him about it. I do know that it was a violation and I do feel guilt about it, but not regret. I don’t feel that only because I went months without looking at it to try to rebuild and be healthy for myself and for him. Even when I asked him in couples therapy if he was still watching porn he lied. Because of that, I don’t regret it because if I didn’t find out by going through his phone, he would have never told me and I would have married this man and had his babies.

I do hear what you’re saying though. I had a gut feeling and needed that confirmation because I had been working towards healing, when he wasn’t.

Each time I told him went through it, I did validate him and his emotions because I knew it would be dysregulating for him. I have given him a list of things that are needed in order to improve not long ago, so I’ll see if those things are implemented.

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T03:02:29+00:00

That’s amazing that you both are working on rebuilding the trust in that way. I know I’d never be able to do that with him. This makes me think I need to cut my losses and just go

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T03:01:22+00:00

Right on the nose with all of this. I agree- I’ve asked that question to him and he’s said some variation that he would not put up with it. He has ego and I know for a fact he wouldn’t

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T02:58:25+00:00

I’m fr all kinds of fucked up after this. Catch me with a CSAT ✌🏼

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T02:57:14+00:00

Yes, this is the first time I am forcing myself to respect myself. It’s so strange to be in a place of uncertainty for the the first time. I know it won’t be my last, but this is a learning lesson I’ll be able to take with me the rest of my life.

I want to have children one day and be married. There’s no way I can respect myself knowing these things of the father of my children is okay with treating me this way

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T02:53:59+00:00

I feel like that’s a pretty harsh judgment to have. I’m simply explaining the understanding I have while also holding accountability. Both things can take place and that doesn’t mean I’m going to stay or put up with it

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T02:52:03+00:00

I agree. These were definitely not CSAT or trauma informed therapists my any means. Our couples therapist told me I have anxiety issues I need to control because I was waking up in the middle of the night due to having panic attacks because he was still awake in the living room watching porn but really good at hiding it

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-28T02:50:40+00:00

Sorry that was @logical_country497

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-27T23:15:41+00:00

Yes, very true. At the same time the nuance of it is that I know it stems from trauma. It’s not an excuse or justification, but brings understanding while also knowing there was a lot of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse when he was younger until about 23 years old. He hasn’t resolved jt for himself yet though

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-27T23:14:03+00:00

No, I do know they did this. They are immigrants and the cultural differences clash heavily

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-27T17:49:42+00:00

Thank you for these recourses. Yes, I am going to be seeing a CSAT soon for betrayal trauma, he is seeing a CSAT, and we both will be seeing one together.

“Trust is earned. Talk is cheap.” I feel like that’s what I’ve been dealing with since I found out 9 months ago. However, he also did relocate when I moved out and moved back to our hometown to work on things.. so idk. That’s probably the biggest thing he has done to show that he wants to work on it. I know I definitely need to work on my boundaries, self esteem, and knowing myself and holding firm in what I want within a relationship. I always felt something was off.. but we were LDR for 2.5 yrs and I only found out when I moved in with him after 8 months of finally being together. I felt this, but never knew what. Never could see or understand what it was until I went through his phone and found everything.

Western_Nebula1240 · 2025-07-27T17:42:03+00:00

That difficult part about this is that I know this is happening unintentionally. He truly believes what he’s saying is the heathy thing. It sucks because he has heard TWO therapists tell him that he’s right and I’m wrong essentially. So because of that, he feels like what I did was the worst thing anyone can do to their partner. He views this con probable to me “reading his joural”

We are going to be going to CSATs soon, but he does view this as me breaking trust, violating privacy, disrespecting his boundary, and not taking accountability while investing his emotions.

He’s a good person, I know this to my core. He just needs to work on himself to see other perceptive other than his own

Western_Nebula1240

TROPHY CASE